Today's Earth date: June 23, 1992

The shadow was a sea slime jellyfish. Picture those little monsters you see washed up on Myrtle Beach and size one up to the Goodyear blimp.

It did poison and acid damage, and it broke into smaller jellyfish the way slimes split when you cut them. For how massive it was, I thought the ship was done for, but Horcus has been grinding hard. He flew up into the air and sniped it with lightning spells. The ship got hit a few times, and you can see where from all the acid it left behind, but Horcus made it trivial.

If he wasn't here… Damn. It sucks how much we need him. He knows he can do whatever he wants and that we have to go with it.

-The Journal of Laszlo the Paladin

Before the party returned to the surface with Wayne's Rise ability, using Periscope to scout each floor for potential danger or anything that might have changed because of the Debug Cube, the party paused to rest and review their unlocks.

From Ultima VI, Fergus learned:

The Way of the Mage – Seeing what cannot be seen, hearing what no man hears, communing with beings not present…What ancient spirit possesses the mage that his mind constantly dwells on things not perceived by the common man?

And Hector:

The Way of the Fighter – The fighter typically possesses great strength and endurance, complements to his natural instincts and boundless courage.

Strangely, Armond and Margo both unlocked the Way of the Bard, but their descriptions were different. Armond's read:

The Way of the Bard – Often an accomplished archer, the bard is also acquainted with the ways of magic, making him a most versatile gladiator on the field of battle.

And Margo's read:

The Way of the Bard – Though not as physically imposing as the fighter, the bard is usually more dextrous and agile, being both quick of mind and of foot.

"Hey Wayne…" Hector began.

"I saw what you all got. I have no idea what those unlocks do. I have the Way of the Avatar and haven't figured it out either."

"That's frustrating," Fergus said. "Did you get anything good?"

Wayne chuckled. He started by reading his new Secret of Monkey Island unlock:

A Red Herring – Distracting but of no real purpose to anyone.

It appeared in his list of unlocked abilities but nowhere else in his system, including passive and one-time bonus unlocks. It existed as a description only, which seemed appropriate for the game it came from.

Fergus thought that was hilarious.

The unlock from Splatterhouse was equally as confusing but for different reasons:

Terror Mask – In Dr. West's writings–it is said to have ancient spiritual powers. As his only hope, Rick must depend on his mask to give him the strength and courage to find Jennifer! Now Rick's fight has begun! Inserting the TurboChip Game Card 1 Remove the TurboChip game card from its plastic case. 2 Hold the TurboChip game card with the title side up and gently slide it into

And then the description ended with several glitch artifacts.

Terror Mask appeared under Wayne's list of one-time unlocks, but he saw no difference in his stats, nor did he find changes to any of his other abilities.

"Wow," Fergus said. "Two anticlimaxes in a row? I'm sorry. That's awful."

"Three. Remember Argument Wars from the last level? Maybe the new games will be better, but I'm not interested in going unconscious at the bottom of a dungeon; I know that for sure. Going with straightforward games this time around. Nothing weird."

Wayne circled Worlds of Ultima - The Savage Empire. His system didn't freeze up, so that much was good news. The spell he unlocked, however, made him wish he had a controller to smash off the ground:

"Wild Basin Expedition" Shirt – "The Avatar™ went to The Savage Empire™ and all he brought back was this T-shirt!"

Before Wayne rendered judgment, he decided to test the spell. He warned the party and stepped away so they weren't in range of a potential attack.

"Wild Basin Expedition" Shirt.

A menu appeared in Wayne's vision. He could scroll through shirt sizes, ranging from XS to XXL. He picked Large.

A t-shirt with the yellow-brown coloring of old paper appeared in front of Wayne and dropped on the dungeon floor. The front featured a logo for the Wild Basin Expedition, which was a triceratops surrounded by text. The back of the shirt had a large t-rex chewing through something with the words I CONQUERED THE SAVAGE EMPIRE above it.

And that was it. He cast the spell again and was greeted with the same size selection menu. He dismissed it.

"How'd it go?" Fergus asked when Wayne returned.

Wayne tossed him the shirt.

Fergus held it up and inspected both sides. "I'm afraid this isn't my size." When Wayne didn't laugh, Fergus sighed. "I'm sorry for the continued disappointment, my friend."

"There's still hope." Wayne held up the gifted page he received from the Mayor of Maliit during their dinner. The side he showed Fergus was for the game Akuji the Heartless.

"Of all the games to pick, why that one?"

"On Earth, voodoo is a sort of magic. There are people who practice it for real, but the fictional spins on it tend to be pretty fantastical. There's a chance I get something radically different from the rest of my spells and abilities."

"You mentioned you had not heard of this game, correct?" Fergus asked.

"Correct."

"You are my only reference point, but you seem well-versed in Earth video games. If you haven't heard of it, doesn't that likely make it a bad game?"

"And thus more likely to have garbage unlocks?"

"Precisely."

Wayne thought. "Your point is fair. There's a chance it's a hidden gem I somehow missed during my childhood, though. For all we know, it could be amazing."

"Your other options for games sounded more appealing."

"Noted. I'm still going to do this one, though."

Fergus chuckled and went back to his wine.

Wayne circled Akuji the Heartless. His world again froze.

Loading…

Demo Files Detected.

Run Demo Protocol. [Failed]

Demo Protocol Not Found.

…

Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

Demo (noun) Defined. An example of a product that is not yet ready to be sold.

…

Demo (noun) Defined. A recording intended to show off a song or a performer to a record producer.

…

Demo (verb) Defined. To use something in order to test its quality or value.

Generate Demo Protocol.

Demo Protocol Added to Function Library.

Diagnostic Scan.

Installation Success Confirmed.

Reboot Recommended.

Rebooting…

When Wayne opened his eyes and could move again, he noticed that the others behaved normally. "Did no one else feel that?"

"That was me," Hector said. "I really needed to fart."

"No, the system message."

The Zeroes looked between one another and shook their heads. They hadn't noticed anything unusual.

"Is it like with the Digmaster ability or more like Roman Debate?" Fergus asked.

"The former, thankfully. I didn't get stuck in a system loop this time."

Wayne opened his system menu and frowned. The graphic artifacts were noticeably worse. Most of the main text was still legible, fortunately, but seeing that particular problem advance twisted Wayne's stomach. If the glitches got bad enough, could he lose system access forever? Now that he had it, the idea of it going away one day, making him ordinary Wayne again, terrified him.

Akuji the Heartless appeared on his list of unlocked games, but a new section had been added. It read:

Demos

Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver

Tomb Raider III: Adventures of Lara Croft

Whether or not it was Tomb Raider III, Wayne couldn't recall exactly, but he remembered playing a Tomb Raider demo for hours and hours because his parents would never let him buy it. The game had too much violence, and the big-boobed heroine on the cover didn't help either. When he found it on a demo disc bundled with one of his gaming magazines, it was a small treasure.

Later in life, Wayne learned that the original Lara Croft model had only 230 polygons, while the PlayStation 3 installments had over 30,000. Goddamn, did those 230 polygons put in an insane amount of work, though. Compared to modern graphics, Tomb Raider was laughably bad, but for the time, it was the Holy Grail for sexually inexperienced boys everywhere.

Demo discs. What an era that was.

Wait. Demo discs. It wasn't terribly unusual for a full game to include a demo for others. Perhaps Akuji had two demos bundled with it?

Wayne would never be able to confirm that theory, but it sounded nice. He clicked into Legacy of Kain and choked on his own spit.

He had three new unlocks:

Sneaking - By sneaking, Raziel can grope his way over precarious terrain and creep up on enemies. Raziel will not fall off ledges or platforms while sneaking.

Lightly Snacking on Humans - Raziel can "embrace" non-combative humans and drain their souls without the need for combat. He can also "sip" at a human's soul, leaving some of it to recover.

Eldritch Energy Power-Ups - These powerful sources of magical energy can be found on both the Material and Spectral Planes. This is the energy that allows Raziel to cast spells.

Why was the word "grope" coming up so often in his life all of a sudden? He would really like for that to stop.

At any rate, Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver was another game Wayne wasn't allowed to play, so all of his knowledge from the game came from what he saw at a friend's house. The plot was fuzzy, but he recalled the main character being some kind of undead or spirit being who had to fight his way across a dark, gothic world. That was all he remembered, and even that was questionable.

Drinking a non-combatant's soul? He couldn't imagine ever doing that to someone. Whatever it did, it couldn't be good for the victim.

Wayne clicked Tomb Raider III next, finding four new abilities with no descriptions:

London Catsuit

Nevada Camouflage

South Pacific

Nude Skin

The Lara Croft nude skin was, perhaps, the pinnacle of schoolyard gaming legends. Some believed it didn't exist. Others insisted it existed but it had been cut from the final release, and many believed it existed in the game and could be accessed with a very precise glitch.

Wayne selected it immediately, with no hesitation or forethought whatsoever.

A message flashed across his HUD:

[File Not Found]

"Son of a bitch," Wayne blurted.

"You okay over there?" Margo asked.

"Yeah. Yes. Sorry. I'm fine."

Still a bit perturbed, he clicked on London Cat Suit to see what it did.

Hector whistled in the same instant that Wayne suddenly felt constricted, sweaty, and powerfully sexy. When he looked down at himself, he saw that he now wore a skin-tight leather suit.

"Always admired your boldness," Hector said, raising a glass to their party leader.

South Pacific.

That replaced the London Catsuit with a sports bra and a pair of green shorts so tiny and so tight that Fergus covered his eyes and recoiled, cursing repeatedly about Wayne needing to keep everything packed in his shorts, not left to run amok.

Wayne dismissed South Pacific and laughed to himself. He had fallen for the legend of the Lara Croft nude skin when he was a preteen boy. Now, in his second life, it trolled him yet again.

Lost in his own revelry, he nearly forgot to see what Akuji the Heartless gave him:

Soul Seeker - Unleash a tortured soul that hounds enemies to their death unless detonated by collision with objects.

Well, that sounded lovely. Another summon wasn't exactly exciting, but a new summon was always useful. The more allies he had on the battlefield, the better. Even if all they did was draw attention away from the Zeroes, they were worth it. Every time.

"Shall we head back?" Wayne asked.

Activating the Debug Cube hadn't added a new point of interest to his map. That concerned Wayne somewhat, but he also recognized he didn't know anything about how the system defined and decided to display points of interest. Some games hid them until they were discovered. Others revealed them all from the start. And both approaches typically withheld quest-specific points of interest until the player reached the right part of the story.

He believed his party would find the Desert Temple with or without that assist, but they had also skipped the majority of the story. If there was a big clue or a reveal for the Desert Temple's location in one of the other riddle locations, they definitely missed it completely.

Wayne stopped worrying when they appeared on the desert surface.

The sun had only just begun to rise. In the distance, a pillar of green light came down from the sky. Judging the distance for something like that wasn't easy, but Wayne did a few estimates with his HUD maps.

Those freaking dwarves, he thought.

He believed the light pointed to the Desert Temple, and his rough guess suggested that it was in the center of the desert, an ultra-cliche location for a secret dungeon. The exact middle? Really? They didn't need to bother with the riddles at all. They could have just started digging.

"How is everyone feeling?" Wayne asked. "We can go back the way we came, rest, and then head back out, or we can check out that light on our way home. Up to you guys."

"I'm fine continuing," Margo said. The others agreed with Margo.

"Sounds good. We're heading deeper into dorc territory by doing this, so keep comms discipline and stay alert. Let's get groping." Wayne coughed. "I mean, let's get going."

"Of course you did," Fergus joked.

Watching the sun rise over the Bata Desert was surprisingly beautiful. Wayne had seen colorful sunsets, but he had never seen the landscape beneath the sunset reflect all of the same colors and tones. When the colors were at their most vivid, Wayne felt like he was riding through a watercolor painting. That romantic feeling stopped as soon as he looked down at the dozens of hands pulling the Groper forward, but it was nice while it lasted.

About an hour after sunrise, a red dot appeared on Wayne's HUD. Before Wayne could alert the party, several more appeared. They were ahead and to either side, closing fast.

A warhorn blared, and the slobbery shouts of orcs in the distance grew louder.

"Ambush formation, everyone," Armond said.

"Wait!" Wayne added. "We have to at least try diplomacy. If Maliit can make a treaty, so can we."

No one argued, but Wayne saw Armond shift uncomfortably in his Groper seat. The cleric didn't like giving the enemy time to solidify their positions.

When the orcs came into view, Wayne reconsidered his plan. Not because they looked more deadly than he anticipated, but because they were dressed like no other orcs he had ever seen, in this world or any other.

The bulk of the orcs carried spears and oval-shaped wooden shields. They wore bright robes with dark, detailed trim wrapping the collars and hems. Most of the robes were a golden yellow, but there were a few blues and reds among them. The few orcs not dressed that way wore cloth caps with scarves wrapped around their necks. For clothing, they wore fine checkered fabrics and tall boots made from small strips of leather.

"Did I miss someone telling us how the dorcs dressed?" Wayne asked.

"If you did, so did I, and we know that's not possible," Fergus answered.

One of the orcs wearing a cloth cap stepped forward. "Give stuff. You live."

While the orc waited for the Zeroes to reply, Wayne noticed the orc's left arm flicker and flash, cycling through pixelated colors. There was no doubting it. That dorc had glitch sickness.

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