Brave Wolf signed, "I will become one with you."
Tuya pressed her mind against Wolf's consciousness. Within, she could sense their excitement even if the thoughts they had were still locked away. She read the eagerness in his sweet eyes, in that soft smile. With a deep breath, she snapped off her link with Batu and sent her consciousness toward Wolf's.
They welcomed her with an open mind. No hesitation. No delay. No chance of Gurg noticing. She hoped.
Within, Tuya found a place more beautiful than the Great Atmana Forest. Like beams of light breaking into a dark cave, their thoughts shined a light in Tuya's darkness. Images of Tuya flying on Batu over the rainforest with a smile on her face as the wind blew her hair wildly. Dreams of Howler leaping through the trees above Brave, chasing game as a team, licking each other's faces and laughing after their triumphant hunt. Memories of seeing Tuya for the first time: a perfect beauty that brought starlight into their world; a resourceful, competent, kind, but suffering, person worth taking an arrow for.
To make pain smaller, Tuya thought, remembering all these years later what she had felt on a rainy day.
Unlike so many others, even Yaha, Wolf harbored no plans of exploitation. Tuya's powers were lovely, but they weren't the reason she was loved. Yes, Wolf wanted her help to bring home Loving Wolf, but that wasn't the condition upon which Tuya was cared for. Indeed, Wolf thought her beautiful, but it was the way she kept moving through her pain and protecting herself that made her the most beautiful thing they'd ever known. Beyond that, she felt Brave's concern for her. This Atmana born far from the Celegan Hollows—although not as far as Tuya would prefer—empathized with her. Brave wanted to ease the suffering behind her starry eyes, and see her smile shine where frowns oft reigned. All they wanted was for Tuya to not be alone.
Brave's love broke Tuya's heart. Because no matter how much she wanted to return it, she could not.
What are you afraid of? Brave projected.
Gurgaldai. She projected an image of the man that stalked her nightmares. A giant larger than any other built of muscle as trees were composed of wood. A man with a face chiseled as if by the Divine of Beauty and Ice who was worshipped in the frozen lands of the dragons. A man whose beautiful eyes reminded her of the brightest light in the night sky, shining above them as a crescent on this wonderful eve. This terror would never stop hunting her and Gurg would kill everything in his path. Especially if Tuya cared for them. To be with her was to court Zamael's scythe.
She tried to project this understanding to Wolf. It was not Brave that was unlovable, but she that should not love. Memories of Darrakh's death flashed in her mind, but she diverted the flow of her consciousness back to fears of Brave dying on the end of her weapon with blue eyes and a smile.
I will face your fear, Brave projected. I love you, even if it is not safe.
How can you love me when you know so little of me and where I come from? I have done horrible things to be here. A beautiful woman dead inside of a hollow, the bloody log in Tuya's hands. Even now, all these years later, Tuya cried for the red swirlythorn that had been trampled because Tuya had loved her most.
Brave absorbed these memories, bewildered by the vicious things she had done. Tuya braced for the rejection, the repulsion. Losing Wolf's approval would hurt, like little girls being scared of her when all she wanted was to make pain smaller. But this was better. She wouldn't someday have to watch them die.
They took her hands, holding them like they were as precious as flowers. Wolf nuzzled Tuya with their forehead. Again, they licked at her tears. I will not run away while you fight this monster.
You don't know what you're saying. Tuya hesitated, the thoughts on the edge of her consciousness, held back from Wolf by the thinnest of veils. She didn't want to share them, but she needed to make sure they understood. In her mind, she killed Darrakh again. Blood on the spear. Blue eyes fading to silver. Silver eyes blinking out like a star never shining again.
You don't need to face this monster alone, Wolf projected, steadfast against her attempts to drive them away. All these things you see that make you not love yourself, make me care about you more.
Tuya shook her head. You only believe that because you haven't been hurt.
Brave Wolf mirrored her, shaking that beautiful head. They shared their memory of taking the arrow. Brave was proud of what they'd done, bearing no regrets for the pain they took in Tuya's place. Loving Wolf taught me what it means to love. It means being the one who braves danger for those you care about.
An image of a man formed in the link. Long dark hair, red-faced like Tsonggo, lean and tall. They looked so much like Brave Wolf. Or at least Brave remembered them or wanted to remember them looking alike.
Wolf took her hands. Let me show you.
Flashes of Brave's past rushed through her as they gathered the strands of a memory. A little boy howled at the moon beside a great red wolf. The child ran on all fours, racing through a forest less dense than this region of Great Atmana. A pack of gray wolves met them in the dark with yellow eyes. The boy was afraid, then remembered the one beside them—the one that made them brave. He ruffed at the pack, daring them to reject them again as blue moonlight broke through the canopy.
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The pack howled at the moon. It was perhaps the sweetest sound in Sky's life before he met Howler and heard their voice. Starlight breaking through, rain relenting, Sky howled at their namesake. Then, for the first time, they changed. The sensation didn't hurt as they'd feared. It tingled like when a girl unlike any other and exactly like every other felt the call of the wild. Hands became paw. Skin became black fur. Nose snout. At long last, Sky had become a wolf.
"I love you, Wolf," Loving signed, shifting into their human form before reverting right back to the big red wolf.
For the first time, Sky had a real name. One they had earned rather than been given. But it had taken seasons of practice. It had been so hard, but Loving had helped them the whole time. Defending Sky from wolf packs that wanted to reject them, teaching how to be a wolf in soul and not just in deed, licking up tears when Sky wanted to give up.
Now, it was Loving that had tears streaming from their proud brown eyes. Eyes Tuya knew and adored.
Her own life echoed in her mind. A dark cave with a dark woman who helped her become who she was even though she'd struggled so much to change. She didn't even bother trying to hide the kinship she felt with Wolf.
Brave Sky Wolf? she projected, wiping the salt off their cheeks as they remembered what must've have been one of their most precious moments. Like a girl becoming a spear.
Brave nodded, taking in her memories of Yaha. You understand why I won't give up on them?
It was Tuya's turn to nod. "I do," she said and projected, squeezing Brave Sky Wolf's hands. "Yaha gave her life so that I might have mine. If there was a chance she survived, I would be there." Tuya smiled. "Keep giving me memories of Loving Wolf. It will help me find them."
Tuya swam in a river of memories, using her wilding sense to learn every contour of Loving Wolf's consciousness. The not-man had Dancing's big smile and Brave's sweet eyes. Even Running was different in this river. Not grouchy as Tuya had known them. They ran through the trees, wrestling Loving, then licking faces until something outside of them made them stop. Usually Dancing's mocking noises. But even then, Loving would get in a few more licks before ruffing at Dancing.
Brave remembered with the stains of sorrow on their soul. I miss them so much.
Tuya closed her arms around Brave Sky Wolf's back, pulling them in tight. She knew the bittersweet taste of memory. One could get lost in happy times, and then lose themselves in sorrow. This next part was going to be hard. But sometimes you had to make pain larger before you could make it smaller. Avoiding the hurt now so often turned a deep cut into a gaping hole that never closed. She infused her touch with Mother Celegana's essence, giving what strength she could. Flashes of Zaya being dragged in the rain, of Sarnai's battered skull, of a woman falling through the sky, reminded her just how hard it could be.
"I know it hurts. I," she hesitated, "I need to see their closest past." I need to see the moment you lost them.
Tuya felt her familiar foe—guilt—stabbing at her mind as Brave tensed. The image started to form without his willing it. Big, pale faces that blurred like snow. Shouting. Shiny, sharp not-sticks—swords. A red monster standing on two massive legs. So much blood. Screams. Fear. The running.
I wasn't brave, Wolf projected. When Loving needed us, I ran. Like a coward.
Tuya massaged Wolf's back. She nuzzled their neck, knowing all too well their pain. A not-boy unlike any other and exactly like every other. They wouldn't forget this and they wouldn't forgive no matter how many times Tuya might tell them they had done their best. Instead of reassuring, instead of trying to justify Wolf's running, Tuya held them. She sat in their pain with them, not trying to get rid of it. Merely being with it.
Being with this broken part of Brave Sky Wolf made it hard to stifle the love she felt. Its currents washed through the river of memory, changing the tide as Wolf's tears were licked away by her tongue. At last, she felt like she fully understood this wolf not-boy that leapt in front of an arrow for her. Wolf wasn't governed by making pain smaller and making things more of themselves, as Tuya was. For them, life was about braving the pain that others suffered. So they didn't have to suffer alone. She wouldn't let Wolf suffer alone.
The millions of life forces around them went quiet in Tuya's mind as she honed in on the one that needed her the most now. Be yourself, she thought. Be Brave Sky Wolf.
I will not run, Brave thought. Not again.
The snowy faced men were scenes from Tuya's past. Giant folk with large weapons and heavy metal armors. They chased through the forest, smashing through the wilderness to get to their prey. They were unstoppable like Gidiite-descended tamers looming over malnourished wilders. Sky Wolf knew they weren't fast enough or strong enough. This was the end. They didn't want to die. Not without having lived a life like Loving. Not without having taught their own children how to be good. Not without having loved the person you wanted to become one with. They hadn't yet lived. They weren't ready to die.
Their terror echoed through time, flooding Tuya with ancient fear. How many times had she been at the mercy of men like Zalmug and Makhun, awaiting death knowing she hadn't truly lived?
Then the big red wolf shifted into their human shape. "Get them far from here," the red-faced man with sweet brown eyes signed at two bears and a black wolf.
One wolf and two bears froze as the meaning of Loving's signs sank in.
"Go!" Loving signed, howling. "Run!"
Sky Wolf did as they always had. They listened to Loving. And they listened to fear. They ran. Ran beside two bears. But they couldn't outrun the sound of Loving losing themselves. A hideous growl full of pain and rage chased them through the forest.
When Sky looked back, Loving was gone. Neither wolf nor person, but something in between. Guilt constricted the link. Something wrong. A monster.
Standing taller than the snowy-faced hunters, the crimson beast howled. Their wrath scared Sky Wolf more than anything else ever had. This living embodiment of rage and destruction wasn't their loving parent. They couldn't look long as they tore into the hunters, with claws that cut through metal and teeth that tore through flesh and bone with ease.
Wolf ran. Guilt pursued.
Tuya held them as they sobbed, the sounds all human with none of Brave's usual wolfish twists. But she focused on that brief image of Loving Wolf as a lost Atmana. How many creatures in this world would match that description? She doubted they would number more than five. Probably less than two. And, any soul that would've encountered this beast would remember. If they survived.
"Thank you," she whispered and projected, massaging their back. "You were brave." She inhaled, memorizing the details of the beast. "Now it is my turn."
Tuya stretched out her consciousness, expanding it across the Great Atmana Forest, listening to the billions, she traced trails of the one.
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