But Alexia couldn't keep her eyes closed for long.

Sir Garrond, as always, stood vigil beside her. His voice had lost its cold, and yet Alexia couldn't find the heart to make that change feel like it mattered anymore. "One more."

Alexia nodded, absently. "Do you look forward to the end?"

"I looked forward for a long time," Garrond said.

"And?"

He was slow to respond, like a scared child dipping his toes into water to test the temperature. "I was always just looking away from what I didn't want to see in the moment or in my past."

"What else can we do when looking behind us and looking at ourselves does nothing but hurt?" Alexia asked. She realized that she had not been following that advice lately. She had not looked forward to what would happen after their expedition was over, but only to the next set of horrific events.

Garrond didn't answer. He was still as a statue beside her. This old coldness snapped her eyes back in time, remembering the night she woke screaming in Saphirhold. "Do you still hate me?"

Garrond studied her for several turns, showing nothing on the surface of his face as a deep ocean churned beneath. "Sometimes."

His bluntness felt sharp to her and instead of hearing "sometimes I do not hate you" she heard "sometimes I do hate you." She sat on the deck, feeling the sun beat down on her, suddenly wishing he were gone and it was Erlos or Jonah at her side.

Yet, it was Garrond. He sat on the deck beside her, looking into her eyes, not breaking contact to scan the water or just to do whatever it was that Garrond did that kept him from holding a gaze for more than two turns.

"There are also times where I admire you." He looked away from her, a much more typical occurrence. "That scares me."

Alexia stared at the ocean. Her voice was soft, a part of her waking up as the third eye opened. "That scares you?"

Garrond nodded and looked anywhere but at her. She was tempted to ask him why but when had that ever worked before? She treated it as one of Theos's riddles. This was far from the hardest puzzle to piece together. If she could do what he did, wouldn't she feel so much less pain?

"You are scared that you may learn to care about me. If you care about me, you have something to lose. If you have something to lose, you can be hurt. If you can be hurt, you are vulnerable. That vulnerability scares you. You hate that."

Garrond hesitated. Alexia stayed quiet, allowing him the space to contemplate. She'd seen him stand between her and hordes of monsters. For all that, this confession was the bravest thing she'd seen him do yet.

"I'm afraid to see you with my own eyes, because the more I look, the more I see who you really are. The more I see that, the more I … I like you and the more I fear to fail. That is what I hate, Alexia. Not who you are. I hate feeling afraid."

The stone cracked, emotions seeping out that Alexia had never seen from him. This statue of a man fought off tears, fought them as if they were Zamael coming to claim him. He bounced to his feet, bounding off across the deck, his expression twisted into anger.

Alexia was tempted to follow him, wanting to tell him that she loved that he had learned to care, that she understood what it felt like to be scared of failing the people you protected. She fought tears herself, knowing so well what he went through, even if they came to it from far different routes. But Garrond needed his space. She'd learned not to press him. The most caring thing she could do for him was to let him go and return when he was ready for more.

Thus, she went back to her meditations, focusing on Dalis as she tried not to think about where they were headed.

Theos Stormkin claimed Garrond's place at the prow. "Getting close," he said, limping toward her, using his staff as a walking stick.

Alexia, trained thoroughly in medicine, recognized the malingering in his limp. She sighed. "One more."

Theos exaggerated his groan as he sat beside her, his legs dangling over the edge, wearing his bright yellow trunks this morning and an orange shirt with floral patterns all over it. He mimed her, looking out at the ocean. He didn't keep it up long. "What're you looking at?"

Alexia knew he wasn't talking about the Endless Blue. "I'm not sure anymore, Master. I don't like what I see though."

"Hmmm. Why not look at something you do like to see?"

Alexia felt her body sink, like an anchor that dragged along the seafloor. "I cannot look away from the pain that surrounds me. Pain I should be able to heal."

Theos's voice was compassionate, but maintained enough of a calm inquisitiveness to help her explore her inner workings and not be swept up in all the waves of emotion that threw her this way or that way. "Your eyes look to the ones you have not saved."

"How could they not?" Alexia asked. She felt her sadness like a wave in the distance rolling toward her. She clung to Dalis and her placidity, trying not to be swallowed by the wave, hoping that she would surf over it and it would pass without plunging her into sorrow's depths.

"Tell me how they could not, Alexia. Tell me what you would say to your friend, the Wilder Princess, if she were sitting on this deck in despair."

"I know what I would tell her." Alexia's voice cracked and she thought of Bam, of Jem, of the thousands of broken hearts that beat on, and the tens of thousands that did not. If she forgave herself, if she acknowledged that it was not her fault, it felt like she would dishonor the pain and sacrifice. "I cannot say it to myself."

"Cannot or will not?"

Alexia broke, severing her link to Dalis. The ocean currents slowed and it seemed like all that water fell from her eyes now as the wave of sorrow slammed into her. "I cannot. How can I when I hear children asking when they will go home or where their mother is when their home is lost and their mother was mauled by lions?"

"You are supposed to single-handedly save the Mahogany Isles from Celegan occupation? You are supposed to save every Mahagan?"

Alexia said nothing. She obviously knew she could achieve neither of those things but it still felt like she needed to do more. One less crying child. One more Bam still alive. One less broken heart somewhere.

Theos Stormkin was relentless. "What can you say to the child that has devoted her life to healing other people's pain but refuses to salve her own?" His voice cracked. "What can you say to this child who breaks this old man's heart with how she looks at herself?"

Alexia shook her head. One more heart break she couldn't stop. She couldn't forgive her failures. She couldn't forgive herself for what she could not do in the Mahogany Isles. She couldn't forgive herself for what she did in Ferrickton. She had to push herself until she arrived at a future where she finally didn't fail. She had to walk the hard path of redemption, always needing to do more and never being good enough. Alexia reached into her robes and squeezed the doll that never left her heart. She had to do better! She had to!

Theos inhaled, held, and exhaled slowly. He repeated several times. Alexia was trained to mimic him and she noted that her sobbing ceased the more they cleared out the sad air and brought in more hopeful breaths. She didn't wipe away the tears that drenched her cheeks.

Nor did her beloved master give up on her. "I have seen how you cheer your friend on. You are far more gifted than I am at being kind. Tell me, my beloved student, why does Azurianna deserve your compassion but not Alexia?"

Alexia reflected. "Azi is as pure as this water," Alexia said, pointing her staff at the ocean. "She has not done the things I have."

Theos raised his eyebrow. "What have you ever done besides try your best to spread love and heal pain?"

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Alexia shook her head. She trembled. She didn't want to break down again. She had already embarrassed herself enough. "I have to do better," she croaked.

"Perhaps you do? Perhaps you do not? Perhaps you cannot?" Theos retreated a little. "I have a riddle for you."

Alexia was a little girl again. She felt the excitement of wanting to find her answer amidst the swirling of her shame. "I may have an answer," she said, wiping away the tears on her face.

"Once upon a time, I knew a young man. This young man thought he was a monster. No matter how hard he tried, everything he did was wrong and everything about him was ugly. Should not this man have ended his life?"

"I can understand why he would contemplate that," Alexia said. "He hated himself. We seek to destroy the things we hate, even if that thing is ourselves."

"Should he have ended his life then?"

"No," Alexia answered, without hesitation.

"But this man only made the world worse. He tried. He tried so hard. But in that, he failed too. Should this man have continued to despise himself?"

"No," Alexia answered, again without hesitation.

"Why not? Everything he did was wrong. He broke everything he touched and drove away everyone he cared about."

Because I love him, Alexia thought, meeting Theos's hazel eyes. "He was doing the best he could." Alexia trembled and the tears welled around her eyes again and she let out a gasp. "He would only ever stay the same, or become worse, if he despised himself. He needed to become better, but how could he ever become better if he hated himself so much that he wanted to destroy himself?"

Theos nodded and his sadness seeped out of him, coloring his tone and misting his eyes. "This boy knew that, on some logical level, but he couldn't change what he felt. After all, in his eyes," Theos tapped his staff against the deck with each word, "all...he...did...was...fail. Why should his effort matter when his outcome was inadequate and everyone that seemed to matter told him so? Why should he ever hope to do better?"

"Because effort is the only thing we can control, Master. We are not Divine. This boy was human. He couldn't control the world or others. It is hard enough to control yourself when you are in pain."

Theos put his hand on his chin. Alexia knew what he was doing but she let him do it anyway. "We can only control ourselves and even then, we have limits? We cannot always succeed and even when we do, it can still feel like failing?"

Alexia nodded. "I have another reason too."

Theos raised his burnt eyebrow. "Do you?"

Alexia nodded. "I would not have wanted the young man to despise himself because I love him."

Theos stared out at the water and his mouth curled up defensively, trying to repel the break in his calm and wise façade. "Then you understand," he choked, "why that young boy would grow into an old man who hates to see his beloved disciple make the same mistakes he did."

Alexia closed her eyes, fighting the overpowering emotion that sought to rush out of her. It came in a heavy burst, one mighty sob, then she reined it back in. She put her hand on his shoulder. "I am sorry, Master."

Theos's mouth twisted until it settled into a snarling grin. He spoke through his steadily flowing tears. "Now that I have induced an appropriate level of guilt, what will you do about it, Alexia?"

They both blended an ugly cry with a laugh. Alexia wiped at her eyes and gathered her composure with a few deep breaths. "I look forward to doing better and dream of a future where there is no more fighting," she said. That had been what helped her keep moving after Ferrickton. She let that strategy fall apart the last moon.

"That helps, but alone it is not enough," Theos said. He left it at that.

Alexia was puzzled. She didn't know what else she could do.

"Remember what you told the young man," Theos reminded her.

"He was doing his best?"

Theos nodded. "Yes. He had tried his hardest. It never felt good enough, but that was his fault for not believing it was good enough."

Alexia wanted to believe she was doing good enough, but she couldn't. She gripped the doll. "Ferrickton."

"Pretend for a degree that it was that young man in Ferrickton. Yadeen knows that he had been in similar situations and done similar things. Pretend that he did the same things as you, this boy you learned to love despite his flaws. What would you say to that boy?"

Alexia immersed herself in the imagined scenario. She replaced herself with a young, self-critical, self-loathing Theos. "I would tell him that he never wanted to be there and that he always believed the mission was immoral. I would tell him that he did everything he could to avoid fighting. I would tell him that he was fighting for his own survival and that the awful things he did were his only option. I would tell him that even in that situation, he did everything he could to limit the pain he caused."

Alexia gripped the doll and shook uncontrollably. She held her mouth open with the last few words. The divinedamned tears were undammed again. The words she desperately needed to tell herself were there but to speak them would mean forgiveness for what she did to Allison. For the little girl who'd given her nothing but love and been left behind a shadow.

"Go on," Theos said, "talk to the young man. Nobody needs to believe anything today. The young man just needs to know where he is headed."

She clung to the doll. "I would tell him that he did his best in an impossible situation where he lacked control. I would tell him that even though his actions caused pain, he was good enough, and that he should forgive himself, because that freedom will allow him to do even better now."

"Thus, the young lady can look to the past and learn to believe she did her best and she could look forward and try to do better?"

Alexia sniffled. She couldn't let go of her perceptions of what she did to Allison. She was an irredeemable monster. Her fingers clutched the doll. "I do not believe it today."

Theos nodded. "And that is fine. Today is another day where you are trying to do your best. You will do better, and you will believe. Someday."

"I hope so," Alexia cried, squeezing the doll, and gazing up at the sky.

She wiped her eyes and looked behind her. Fortunately, it was just Garrond. His cold aura caused others to give them a wide berth. Bless Qoryxa, that was one of the best parts of having him as her sworn shield.

"There is still more," Theos said. "You have wisely identified how to look back to the past and look forward to the future. Yet, a wise woman once said we need three eyes. One more, you need to tune."

"Where I look in the present," Alexia said, aware of the quote Theos referenced. "I only look at my failures."

"Perceived failures," Theos corrected.

"Our eyes see what they want to see," Garrond added.

"Absolutely!" Theos said. "My eyes, and Garrond's eyes, see this present moment differently than yours do. Tell me, Alexia, can you see what we see? Can you see what Emir Leoquo sees in you? What Princess Azurianna sees in you? What the Redeemed Men see in you? What every person in this fleet you brought together sees in you?"

Alexia wanted to deny him. She resisted. Giving in would mean pretending that the pain she saw was acceptable.

"You don't have to believe today," Garrond said.

Alexia glanced, dumbfounded, at him.

Garrond shrugged, bringing a smile to both of their faces. "I see you, Alexia. When I look at you, I see none of the failures your eyes see."

If bloody Sir Garrond the Dust could be kind to her, she could be kind to herself! She permitted herself a touch of compassion. "Without my actions, the people we have extracted would be in even worse pain with no future to look forward to."

Theos grew excited. Now that Alexia had found all of the answers, he was unleashed. "Yes! Tens of thousands of people rescued from certain death. Rescued from the death of their bodies, of their minds, of their souls, of their culture, and their entire society. All of these people get to live on and have a future because of what you have done.

"You look at the pain they have to carry, at the lives that could not be saved by anyone, at the people who died fighting for a cause they believed in, and see failure. But you are not like the man who did nothing when Sun Priestess Mikembe and her people perished. In this present moment, Alexia, you are managing to save what you can from a festering wound that would irreparably harm our world for all future generations and you are stopping its spread better than we could've imagined.

"You are not the one who made the wound and you were never responsible for treating it, and yet you have done your divinedamned best to salvage something beautiful from Zamael's grasp." He gripped his chest, water bursting from his ancient eyes, snot from his nose. "Your best, Alexia, is the absolute best that anyone can do. Your best, Alexia, is the greatest thing this old man has ever seen. It is why I have opened my eyes every day for the past eight years, and why I will keep them open for as long as I can."

Alexia touched her hand to her heart. For a brief moment, she unerringly believed it all. The fissures in her faith were sealed, before they opened up again, less gaping than before, but still cracks nonetheless. She glanced nervously at Garrond.

Garrond hesitated, but he too chose to speak, "I could have said it better, but, yes, when I look at you, the very last thing I see is a failure."

Alexia laughed. If she thought he would not instinctively throw her overboard, she would've hugged the taciturn terror. "Thank you, Sir Garrond, Master Theos. I shall treasure the memory of these words. I love both of you."

She knew better than to chase Garrond as he turned his head away from her, shifting to the side as if a threat might come at them from their starboard flank. Theos gave her a nod that said, 'I love you too' as loud as any thunder.

Alexia arose from her stool. She leaned on the bowsprit. She inhaled good air, held it to her, and exhaled the bad. "Three eyes," she said, looking all around her. "One eye to look forward to doing better and to better days. One eye to look back and see that I have always done my best and to learn from my mistakes. One eye to look here-and-now and to see that I am helping and that, as long as I keep trying my best, I am good enough."

Alexia knew it would be hard, but she resolved to use all three eyes. Her eyes saw one more thing now as the cries spread across the armada. The sandy shores of Caleel appeared in the distance. She looked ahead, determined to do her best, determined to save as many Mahagans as she could so that they would have a future. She looked behind her and knew that she wouldn't be able to save everyone but that it was only her effort that she could control. She looked within, and for the present moment, believed she wasn't a failure.

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