But she couldn't go any further. Breathing heavily, she removed the Halius occlusion from her airway. Keeping her eyes shut, she forced a smile, kept breathing heavy as if aroused when she wanted to throw up and cry as he throbbed against her. She hated herself for this: for what she did to Zander, to Halius, and to herself.

She thought of two-hundred-thousand Mahagans. How many of those women were being raped right now? How many men torn apart? How many children facedown in the mud, never to get a chance to live their lives? The price she paid was a paltry sum besides the collective suffering of an entire nation.

She caressed his cheek, fluttered her eyes, and winked. "Well," she forced a grin, sliding her bottom against his pelvis. "I have no doubts about how you see me, Halius Sapphire."

Halius massaged her back. His mouth remained open, his breathing was heavy with lust. "From the first time I laid eyes on you, I've seen the most beautiful girl in the whole world. I know I've been awful at showing it, but I want to be better for you. I hope you can see that all I want is to make you happy."

"I do," she said, nodding. He really was trying. Her guilt was good at reminding her of that. "I see you trying, Halius Sapphire." She kissed his forehead, right between the eyes.

"How do I do better?"

She cupped his cheeks. "You need to open my cage."

Halius frowned. "This castle isn't a cage, Alexia. It is your home. I will keep you safe."

"So safe that I cannot protect our people. If my powers fade—"

"I will bring Theos Stormkin to you, as your attendant. You can practice magic day and night, if that is what you wish."

She shook her head, the sea breeze blowing her hair, turning a dark gold as the sunrise caught it.

Halius mouthed his amazement at the transformation. "I will give you everything you want, as long as you stay safe from the monsters that want to take you away."

Alexia didn't know what to say. She felt him softening below her, even as his position hardened. The scent of salt from the sea reminded her what she needed to do. And she felt it slipping away from her.

At all costs.

She tasted the honey on his tongue as she dove in for another kiss, this time forcing herself to take the helm. She tried to imagine him as Zander, but that only made her sad, and angry. Channeling that anger, she conjured Seraxa, heating her touch making them both warm, then hot. She straddled the chair sitting atop him as he swelled. His hand grasped her bottom, pulling her up and down as he thrusted upward.

She managed to turn a whimper into an awkward moan, but she couldn't turn this sickening feeling into something else.

At all costs.

But she reflexively fought for freedom.

Alexia shifted to the side, trying to make his thrust go astray. She pushed off his chest, to give herself room to breathe. Halius went feral, gripping her bottom so tight it hurt, pulling her close to him so there could be no escape. He kissed her neck as much with his teeth as his lips and tongue. He was practiced with this, striking her erogenous zones with a body blessed by training and birth, making her both aroused and repulsed at once by his passion. Then disgusted with herself for feeling her body's reaction to his touch.

At all costs, she thought, mind melding with body.

But her heart thought of a field of flowers staring up at a canopy of wonders, of her moon-eyed lover beside her, his touch infinitely more desired.

She extricated herself from him, hastily retreating to her seat across the balcony table. Eyes down, she bit into the pasty, chewing and contemplating her next words with caution of one on trial facing death.

"I'm not ready," she said, sharing a narrow view of the truth.

"You've never been with a man, have you?" he said, sounding less angry than she expected.

She said nothing, unable to make herself lie.

"That's understandable," he said. "Most women are intimidated by my size."

His arrogance made her want to tell him that she'd actually been with bigger. She was smarter than that, thankfully, and rarely one to speak her thoughts without first combing through them for mistakes.

"I'm trying," she whispered, "and I don't want to be afraid, but I need to know that you're a man who loves me and not the boy who hurt me."

He reached across the table, taking her hands. "I love you, Alexia. I've always loved you."

She kept her eyes on his hands, the same hands that pinched her the day she awakened. "I'm afraid that you'll always try to dominate me, to force me to do what you want, and that if I don't you'll become that same boy that threatened me when we were younger."

"I'm not what I was. I promise."

She looked him in the eye. "Then prove it. Show me that you can trust me to know what is best for me."

He hesitated. "I'm afraid to let you go," he said. "The whole world wants to take you from me." He swallowed, his throat heavy.

"Halius." She massaged his hand, finding the truth easy to speak after all the lies she'd had to spew. "If you don't let me live my life, you will never truly have me. I wouldn't be a queen, but a puppet resenting the strings that you attach to me. Do you realize how much that would hurt me?"

Tears fell down his chiseled cheeks. "I don't want to hurt you. You have to believe me, my rose."

"I want to believe you, Halius. But you don't love a rose by keeping it in the dark where light cannot reach it."

"Fine," he said, eyes down to hide his tears. "Go to Stormkin. But don't leave Dust's side for a moment. I will never forgive myself if these beastmen take you."

She shot out of her chair, thrilled that it worked, peeking down at the harbor as she went to his side. Alexia tossed her arms around him, planting a kiss on his cheek. "Thank you, Halius."

He wiped at his eyes, smiling up at her. "I love you, Alexia. If it makes you happy, I'm glad to do it. I need to trust that you can keep yourself safe. I'm sorry that I doubted you."

Alexia's smile dimmed. After she went through with this, he'd never trust her again. This man she saw right now wasn't the boy she'd known as a girl. For perhaps the first time, she saw the possibility that she could grow to love him back. But that bridge would be permanently burnt if she didn't tell him the truth now.

"I will see you again soon?" Halius asked.

"As soon as my training permits."

She traced his palms all the way to the tips of his fingers before pulling away.

At all costs.

She refused to glance toward the harbor as she backed into his bedchamber. Halius followed her out into the hallway. Garrond and Eron stood on opposite sides of the hall, both turning to the sound of the opening door.

"Sir Garrond!" Halius called, his voice boyish and excited, "Ensure that she remains with Theos until her training is complete. Dust any beastmen that try to seize her."

Garrond touched his hand to his hilt and nodded. "As you wish."

Halius waved to Alexia and bowed. "Until next time, my rose."

Alexia gripped at her sternum, then forced out, "Until next time, my prince."

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"Until next time, my love."

She forced one last smile, before shifting toward the staircase and allowing her face fall flat. Drained, her nerves still on fire, she sped down the stairs to get away.

Her father tapped her on the shoulder when they reached the bottom. "I believe in you," he whispered.

Alexia wanted to ask him for reassurance that she did the right thing. She'd always have done so in the past when her guilt nagged her. Instead, she nodded, trying to give reassurance to herself. If Halius truly loved her, he'd be able to forgive this. And if he didn't, she'd hopefully be free of him, with thousands of lives saved thanks to her lies.

"Until next time, father."

"Until next time, my daughter."

Eron wrapped her in his arms, holding her just like he had all her life. Alexia held back, patting his back with her hands, afraid to squeeze tight to him. He'd done right by her the last few days, and a part of her wanted to let go of her anger, but she couldn't be the same little girl that thought her father larger-than-life and infallible. He wasn't. He was just a man, even if he was far from ordinary.

He patted her back, then sent her off to her most dangerous battle yet. "Show them what you're made of, Alexia Bluerose."

Alexia made for the exit, catching her father say, "Keep her safe, old friend."

The Dust offered no response but his silence and her father's choice of words made something click within her mind, opening a window that was previously buried. Sir Garrond had always been cold to everyone, as far as she could tell, but she'd always felt that frigidity amplified toward her family.

She dwelled on the thought as they gathered their gear, mounted their horses, and left Saphirhold behind them. She'd said what needed to be said to stewards, stablehands, and Sapphireguard, once again forcing a smile she didn't feel—her mind wayward toward what just happened, the man beside her now who could ruin everything, and the grueling journey ahead.

Garrond likewise issued terse commands to soldiers, and Sir Branor of the Azureknights, a zealous man who couldn't stop smiling at her. For once, she could hear the annoyance in his tone, shifting so slightly that only one who spent nearly every waking moment around him would notice.

Alexia had to force her smile less for a few moments, pleased that this man could show any sort of feeling, even if it was negative. Besides, his irritation at someone else made her feel less like he only hated her and her father.

For all they forced themselves to say what they needed to everyone else, nary a word passed between Alexia and her sworn shield. Many times, the thought crossed her mind, wishing for another to serve in his place. Even zealous Branor, whom Garrond had initially suggested in the throne room, who would talk her ear off was better. She was used to that having traveled long enough with Bam.

Instead, she was saddled as much as Moonstrider was, but with a man that despised her and gave her nothing. Like Maleon, he seemed dutiful. But would he too waver in his duty when her life was at risk, as Maleon had in the ogre cave? Would he go as far as to sabotage her, like in the Ferrickton mines? She'd prefer to find a way to leave him behind. But she knew she'd need all the protection she could have against Tamed and a shadow. As far as talent went, he very well might be the best in the world at keeping her safe. Yet, what convinced her the most to try again was that she needed to find ways to reach the hearts of people who hated her.

Thus, even though she'd rather spend an angle sitting at Halius's balcony table sipping tea and eating pastries, she tried to bring down the walls between her and this man who openly hated her.

"Do you hate my father?"

Garrond made a quiet little noise, snorting just enough to let her know that he felt disgusted, even if he had the emotional range of a statue. "My old friend?"

Alexia pondered what to say, trying not to let him freeze her efforts, for several city blocks. As was often the case when she went out during the day, people on the streets called her name, some of them erupting into applause and hoots of joy, as if she were their favorite jouster lining up at a tournament. Garrond shut down the fanfare, ordering folks to keep their distance and sending their Sapphireguard escort to keep anyone from getting close. As per her safety plan.

If only Alexia could make herself feel safe around this man. Even though she didn't like the attention, she realized she preferred to be adored, from afar, and quietly, rather than to be openly despised. That might've seemed obvious, but she never thought she'd feel grateful for people noticing her and cheering her on when she just wanted to go about her day undisturbed.

She tried to figure out why Garrond might hate her father, or herself, but realized soon that she opened a doorway into endless possibilities and she'd never be able to sort the false from the true. The only way to know was to get the answer from the source, though she doubted he'd part with it.

It took another couple of blocks to build up the courage to ask, "Why do you hate my father?"

Terse and barely audible, this man knew how to make Alexia feel insignificant even as dozens congregated on the streets to cheer her name. "It doesn't matter."

"It does to me."

She gazed into his eyes. For a turn, he allowed himself to look into the eyes Alexia Bluerose had inherited from her father. His eyes narrowed, his jaw setting, making it clear that he didn't like what he saw.

Alexia wished she could just cast a spell and make him like her, but that wasn't how people worked. Even if she channeled Leverith, he could reject it. She'd have to find another way in, whether through words or finding the right actions to remove the stones he put up between them. It would be hard work, but she wasn't going to quit trying just because the wall hadn't budged yet.

"I want to know who you are, and I want you to know who I am."

"I know who you are, Alexia Bluerose. All you need to know about me is that I will guard you. As promised. That is all."

It wasn't all for Alexia. "Why did my father call you 'old friend?'"

Garrond didn't acknowledge the question. Alexia repeated it, in case he didn't hear over the onlookers, even though she knew that wasn't the case. She kept asking, every block or so, not knowing what else to do. She rephrased the question, hoping to push until she got something from him.

The Arcanium growing near, he finally broke his silence, barely a hint of annoyance in his empty tone. "You have no need to speak to me unless it is a matter of your safety."

Alexia snapped, flashing enough annoyance for the both of them. "Do secrets make you feel safe, Sir Garrond? As you inspect every aspect of our surroundings for signs of danger, I must inspect you for reasons to trust you with my safety."

Alexia learned that Sir Garrond did indeed feel. Unfortunately, she glimpsed the depth of his hatred more closely than she wanted as his anger tore through his stoic façade like a flood breaking through a dam.

"Spin my words and weave your webs. You mislead our prince with your charms and manipulate any that stand in your way. I know what you did and I know what you plan. I know you, Eron's daughter, and I care not to know more. That is all."

Again, it was not. "How do you know my father? Why does he call you 'old friend?'"

Garrond inhaled, trying to rein in his anger. "We squired for Sir Gabriel."

Alexia tilted her head, her perception shifting. Forgotten was her frustration. Surprise and its partner confusion took the reins. "You squired for my grandfather?"

He went silent, the dam rebuilt, the wall as thick and impenetrable as ever. She gave up on the interrogation. Satisfied, for now, that he revealed enough to begin understanding him. The Dust was a tapestry that she was going to have to weave together thread by thread and Garrond would be stingy with each strand.

I am not my father, she thought, recognizing the petulance with which she felt it. Yet, she could see the situation through Garrond's eyes. Alexia had returned to the city, manipulated Halius into changing the course of Leverian history and colluded with her father to change her role to what they wanted it to be. There was more of her father in her than just her eyes. She admitted to herself that the ends justified the means, that she needed to do it to help the Mahagans and save Leveria. It was perfectly pragmatic. But wasn't that thought exactly what her father would tell her?

The hypocrisy in how she acted toward Halius juxtaposed beside how she felt about her father's manipulations in her own life hit her like a blast of wind.

Am I my father?

She was silent for the short remainder of the ride. The street folk continued to part for Garrond, even if they would've wished to approach her. This aspect of traveling with Dust she could get used to. Instead of pestering Garrond with more questions or interpretations, she looked inward and tried to see the world through Garrond's cold blue eyes.

He was being forced to serve, protect, and restrict the freedom of the daughter of someone he hated. He chose to see her as more similar to her father and his web of machinations than her grandfather, a man renowned for his courage and empathy. Alexia knew she had inherited those characteristics, but for whatever reason, Garrond only saw what his eyes wanted to see.

At the Arcanium stables, they handed off their horses and headed for the Hall of Mastery. They left the Sapphireguard escort behind with the horses, per Alexia's request for privacy in her training with the Archwizard.

The Hall of Mastery was a welcome sight, filled with memories of her time training to become a cognitive-affectomancer. Thousands of angles practicing attuning to the eight divine energies, of visualizing and focusing her spells, of answering Master Theos's riddles, of being one with herself as she explored her possibilities. She hadn't been here since the night before she left for Ferrickton. Even with Garrond at her side, she felt at peace, pulsing with the thrill of seeing her mentor again. She had so much to tell him. But first she had to speak to Garrond.

"When I look at this building, I see a home away from home, whereas others see this as a place of myth to be feared." With unsteady hands, Alexia retrieved Allison's doll from her pocket. "When others look at this, they see a child's toy. When I look at it…"

Alexia didn't fight against the flow of tears, she wouldn't dam her emotions like Garrond, but show the vulnerability she wanted from him. "When I look at this doll, I see the girl whose life I ruined." She put the doll away, but didn't wipe away her tears. Using her breathing exercises, she recovered some of her composure. "When I look at the moon, I see a love story. When others look, they see a sparkly blue rock. When a Sapphire soldier sees a Ruby flag, they see the enemy. When I see a Ruby flag, I see people that I love."

"Fascinating," Garrond said, his voice devoid of feeling.

Alexia chuckled at the bald sarcasm. Then wiped at her eyes. "In my life, when I've looked at you, I've only seen a scary, dangerous man with a heart of stone. Yet, that is only what my eyes have been trained to see. You are more, and my eyes have only seen what they wanted to. You are more, and I am starting to see that."

Garrond shrugged, offering as much sign of warmth as a blizzard.

"And your eyes only see me as my father's daughter when I am also Sir Gabriel's granddaughter, Lady Ione's daughter, and my own unique person."

Alexia waited but nothing came. "I hope I will open your eyes to me, as you have opened my eyes to you."

That quiet chortle made another appearance, as clear a dismissal as there could be. "As you wish, Eron's daughter."

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