Dear Diary,

"Ecstasy is euphoric, It will distract you from stuff, Make sure you don't drink and drive." - Tabitha Diaz, Doctrine of Tabitha, Book of Ecstasy

In this Verse of the Book of Ecstasy Tabitha reminds us that while she wishes all of us to live a joyful, even euphoric life of Ecstasy, we must not forget those less fortunate than ourselves, or those to whom our life is inextricably bound. Ecstasy, euphoria, even joy can blind us to the suffering of others. At times, this is all that can ease the pain inflicted by the actions of those who harm others for their own power, their own release from consequence, their own amusement. But we ought not use that analgesic as a soporific. We should focus on Ecstasy to ease the pain enough to act, then reach out a hand to those in need, lift them to the same euphoric plane of existence Tabitha would have us all dwell upon. But most especially, we must not allow our own search for Ecstasy, our own euphoria, to cause us to unintentionally bring harm, either through action or inaction, to those around us. For while Tabitha is indeed a Goddess of Bloodlust, Vengeance, and Justified Homicide, none of those things ought ever be invoked without due mindfulness. - Priestess Most High Above All Others, Archmage Imperator Saffron Aetos-Diaz, Commentary on the Doctrine of Tabitha

Yeah, that last bit speaks volumes with what it doesn't say. Like, my Kitten is definitely treading that line, with one finger beside her nose and a wink, of telling people that it's just fine to find Ecstasy in fucking some asshole's shit up. As if Frank Castle ought to get his rocks off every time he erases another cop with Punisher stickers bracketing their thin blue line decal.

Shit, when I put it that way I almost get it. Because Frank is absolutely a 'Justified Homicide' and 'Vengeance' guy, and he knows what he's doing is wrong, but he also is inevitably in one of those 'lesser evil' situations. Like, if you kill a murderer the number of murders in the world remains the same, but if you kill a whole shit ton of murdering assholes, you've only created one additional murderer. Fuck, I'm pretty sure Frank was some kind of mercenary before his Tragic Backstory hit him. So every entitled, empowered, exploitative murderer he offs is, on balance, one less murderer in the world. I'm pretty sure he'd tell me to fuck off if I could whisper horny nothings in his ear and make his dopamine spike every time he did that, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be fuckin' willing to do so.

So maybe my wife knows me better than I know myself. I can't really say I'm surprised, or even upset. I'm not exactly... Okay, I almost said I'm not exactly introspective, and maybe I'm not naturally introspective, but my whole assed Diary is just one long form introspection. But that's kind of an artificial thing, something I'm doing to try and become a better person. To become a person worthy of my kittens, my kids, my ladies. To be worthy of Saffron, who is the one who knows me better than I know myself, and tells me I'm worthy of her, but lets face it, they don't call it Oppositional Defiant Disorder for nothing.

Yeah, now I'm wondering exactly how much of my interaction with the authorities back in the day was them being racist proto-fascist dickheads and how much was me being a contrary bitch. I mean, I knew too many kids with too many scars from 'doing the right thing' and 'obeying instructions' who got a nightstick to the face for 'looking at the cop funny' to ever think they weren't power mad pricks. But I'm realizing now that I'm an actual Authority Figure™ that I might have pissed me off if I met me back then. But, and I stress this, I was a teenager with a bad attitude and an ass like a dump truck, where the boys in blue were adult authority figures with guns. Not a peer to peer interaction in any case, and I think if I ran into a larval me, it'd be on me to show some fuckin' restraint.

Eh. I'll have to keep that in mind next time some random kid from the streets throws shade at me. Like, what are they gonna do, un-Deify me? Un-Worship me? Can that even work? On the one hand, Saffron probably knows, but on the other hand I don't think she needs me asking her dumb questions like that when she's got so much on her plate. Maybe when this Boltophsberg thing is taken care of.

So last night D and Diana finally decided to head back to Phileo. They didn't leave yet, but she floated over to me in the Bath and said, "you've welcomed us as family, and I'm grateful, but I think we ought return to our own place soon."

I waved her over, gave her a side hug, and said, "hey, if you gotta go, we'll miss you, but you're welcome back any time. Just give us a heads up so we can have enough food on the table at dinner."

"My brother does eat a bit."

I laughed, "not to mention that little horde of yours."

"True, true. Our children will want to go to the school at your Temple now, you realize."

"Is that a problem?"

She rocked her head back and forth. "That the adopted children of the Moon Goddess and the Heir to Olympus seek shelter at the Temple of Love?" Before I could reply, she just smiled and shook her head. "I appreciate all you do for them."

"Nobody's stopping either of you from opening your own schools."

She paused at that, then shook her head. "I... would rather not foster competition between us."

"You think it would?" She nodded. "Well. I don't want that either. But if you think of a way to make it work, I'm all for it. Just let Karen or I know."

"I will, Matriarch." I frowned just a little, held out my arms. She kinda engulfed me in hers, and I counter-engulfed her in tentacles. "I will, Tabitha."

It did not pass my notice that she didn't flinch or cower in the slightest.

It also didn't pass my notice that she and Saffron starred on the big screen in my dreams. Would have been hilarious given the scale of things, if it wasn't so fuckin' hot. Also, kinda funny when I realized that Siobhan wasn't actually in the Maw until we were all watching reruns.

In the morning, after she slept late and woke with only mild nausea, I held her, rocked her gently, and said, "have fun being the one in charge for once?"

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She just bit her lip and nodded. Then shook her head. Then, finally, haltingly, said, "like the pain thing?"

"A spicy addition, but not the main course for our Ice Pop Darling?"

She bit her lip, nodded, went to say something, then had to rush for the toilet.

By eleven, I was in uniform, almost fully Blended, aboard the Questing Tentacle. Just over half an hour later, a runner came jogging down the docks. Could have been Ilya's cousin. He got to the end of the boarding ramp, then looked up at Karen, who stood right near the top of the ramp. Goddess?

I got this. Follow me, though, just in case?

As you wish, Goddess.

I stepped forward, dropping my Blend down to normal, and the kid jumped a little as his eyes first slid past me, then jumped back to me. By that point I'd cleared about half the ramp, not exactly jogging, but walking with a sense of purpose. "Good Morning. Are you the one who's supposed to guide me to my lunch date?"

He nodded. Then, hesitantly, waved his hands, although he kept them down below his waist, almost like he didn't want to draw attention to it. Ilya told me you understand?

I nodded, tryna make sure I didn't slur my words. "Yeah, kid, I do."

Follow me, please. The route is complicated. Long.

I sighed. "Just tell me you're not gonna have a bunch of guys tryna mug me along the way?"

Oddly enough, that got an honest smile. No, Ma'am. Ilya told us that's dumb.

I laughed a little. "Okay. Any chance I could maybe bribe you into making the trip quicker?"

He paused, thinking, then his shoulders sagged and he sighed. I wish I could, but I can't. It's... complicated.

"Hey, not tryna make your day rougher than it is. In fact," I dug into my coin purse, pulled out a couple, and reached out to press them into his palm. He maybe looked a little surprised, even shocked, at how quick I'd moved, but his hand closed over the coins and he disappeared them almost too fast for me to see.

Thank you, Ma'am.

That started us on another tour of the seedy side of Boltophsberg. Only this time it wasn't just 'staying in shitty alleyways just out of sight of the docks'. This kid led me through some alleys, true, but also along a couple streets, through a couple shops, into a delicatessen and out the back room past a few tables with a variety of dudes playing dominoes, clearly for cash. There were more 'short cuts' like that, going in through a nominally straight front and out through a shady back end.

As we travelled, something wasn't right, something was changing, but while I kept my eyes open and had Karen watching my six, I didn't see or hear anything actually dangerous. Just not quite right.

Then, as we ducked through a couple really narrow alleys that felt like they twisted back in on themselves, Karen thought, Goddess!

I reached out and laid a hand on my guide's shoulder while I looked around for my High Priestess. That's about when I remembered that she'd been Blending, and I probably wouldn't see her immediately. Karen? You okay?

Oh, thank you, Goddess. You... I lost track of you. Where... Oh!

That's when I looked around and realized what I'd been noticing by its gradual diminishment for a while now. The alley we stood in was completely silent. No distant crowd noises, no harbor noises, no street noises. Maybe the faint echo of a noise now and then. Mist rose from the cobblestones of the alley, and low clouds obscured the sky above. Meanwhile the kid I'd grabbed looked, in a word, terrified.

"We almost there, kid?"

Yes.

I patted him on the shoulder. "No worries. The transition startled me."

What transition?

Yeah, the kid did not have a poker face. I just shook my head and said, "lead on, kid."

Shall I follow, Goddess?

Keep your eyes and ears on me, but head back to the ship. I've got an invite, you don't.

Yes, Goddess.

After that the trip got... weirder. We went through way fewer alleys, and no businesses, but the street we walked down stood eerily empty, with only momentary flashes of people, of sounds that didn't linger or echo at all. We kept walking, and if we walked for a long way, we didn't really make any more turns or crazy shortcuts. Just straight down one thoroughfare until we reached the gates to the City proper, which stood open. Open and maybe a little rusty and ragged.

"Uh, are we supposed to be leaving the City?"

Yes.

I paused, sighed. "you know if this is some kinda trap or ambush, you're kinda fucked, right?"

The cheeky little bastard rolled the coins I'd given him across the back of his hand, re-pocketed them, then signed, promise?

Fuck it, I couldn't not say, "sure. I get ambushed, I'll make sure you live through it, then carry you off and fuck the smart ass out of you."

Nah.

"Excuse me? Nah?"

Not enough time, I've got another job tomorrow.

That got me. Kid wasn't that much younger than me. Shit, if he'd had the same kind of nutritional deficits Saffron did, he might be older than me even. But he definitely had a bit of that 'smart ass bad boy' thing going on, and I am absolutely not immune to propaganda. "Okay, kid. If you're ever down in the Alliance, come by my Temple on a Friday night." After a quick moment of thought, I said, "and if you're ever in trouble, get to an Alliance ship in the harbor and tell them you need to speak with Tabitha. They'll keep you safe until I can come talk to you, at least."

He paused, then signed. Thanks.

Then he strode through the gates, waving for me to follow. The City had outgrown its walls a ways back, it looked like, but the buildings outside the gates looked like they'd been built as 'firetrap due to collapse any moment' as a design requirement. After no more than a few hundred feet, we came across one that looked older than the rest, but oddly sturdy for all that. He pulled the door open, and while it opened smoothly, it still creaked like the hinges were covered in rust. Which they weren't. I looked, just to be sure.

A bead curtain obscured the interior of the tiny shack. I turned to the kid and said, "you remember what happens if this is an ambush, right?"

Dude straight up did the 'back of hand to forehead, swooning' pose and, with his other hand signed, virtue, gone! Forfeit!

"What's your name, kid?"

V.

"Okay, V. See you later maybe."

I pushed my way through the bead curtain into a space that had to be the entirety of the shack. Oddly, it had what looked to be an interior door in the rear wall, offset from the front door. An old fashioned round table took up the middle of the room. Three old school armchairs sat around it, two occupied, one pulled out just enough for me to scoot my butt into it if I decided to sit. A tea service with steam wafting from the teapot took up most of the table, with a half empty plate of tea sandwiches and another of cakes and cookies bracketing it.

On the left sat a sort of young looking woman, with the kind of fancy hairdo, old but clearly expensive jewelry, and bored expression that screamed 'privileged pampered bitch' sat ramrod straight in her chair, her hands on the teacup in front of her.

The other woman went from visual background noise to setting off every alarm bell in my brain when she leaned forward. Which, to be clear, she really shouldn't have. Woman could not have been more grandmotherly if she had a teacup, sweater, and baseball cap with 'world's greatest grandma' on all three. Her face looked like a rehydrated apple; not withered, not really, but with faint wrinkles everywhere, like withering had come and gone so many times she and it were old friends. She leaned forward, nodding to the empty chair as she reached forward with the kind of long, wrinkled, yet still strong hands that would terrify any Hispanic child born if she were holding a chancla, and poured tea into the third cup.

"You took a while getting here, the sandwiches might be a little stale." I have no idea how the woman turned that straight up bullshit into a threat, but holy shit did my sphincter clench. "Sit, sit. We've much to discuss."

Which is exactly when the breeze of the setting sun slammed the fucking door shut behind me.

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