Dear Diary,

When I'm not reading as much, my self-examination winds up being a lot more erratic. Some days lots, some days none. Not sure if that means I need to read more to power level my personal growth, or if I'm somehow spinning my wheels a lot more and need to cut back.

At any rate, while pondering today, I had a thought.

I realized that I'm nowhere near as full of rage as I used to be. Now, normally I'd think that was an unmitigated Good Thing, but I'm still concerned about the stuff I was wondering about the other day. Whether I'll be able to do what needs to be done when push comes to shove, especially against some big monstrous asshole like one of these corrupted Jotnar Titans. In a fight like that, one little slip on my part could wind up with a whole ship full of anybody else getting smashed into paste. If I have the opportunity to end them, and I don't because I feel bad for them because they're just some poor bastard driven mad by a Goddess whose names had literally come to mean wrathful in English.

But that's not really what I wound up thinking about today. Instead I kind of thought about how much of my core back in the day was some kind of anger at the world. Seriously, even when I showed up here, I wasn't exactly lacking in rage. Yeah, I presented as a goofy stupid she-himbo, but somebody scratched that surface and I kicked the shit out of them and their besties. Whether that's Rocky or Larry, the fact that it happened more than once really says something about who I was. When some dumb bitch did more than scratch the surface, they lost more than they ever thought possible. Again, hard to say whether the exemplar is Diana losing her arms, nose, and High Priestess, Oliver losing his power, prestige, senses, and ability to wipe his own ass, or Gregor losing his membership in the 'haven't been tortured to death multiple times' club.

Thing is, if I were just some random she-himbo, all I'd need to worry about is whether I'm up for doing what needs to be done when only I can do it. But then there's the reason I can do it in the first place when no one else can. I'm not just a she-himbo. I'm a genuine Goddess. One who's taken on enemies even other Deities need new shorts when they think about taking them on. Again, since it seems to be the way I'm thinking today, whether I'm talking about Primordial Dragons, Undead, and Undead Dragons, or Marie and Aphrodite, either way is pretty much a clear indicator I'm doing shit most Deities can't. Or won't, because they're worried about consequences. Personal consequences to their precious face meats, to be clear.

Thing is, while I don't really know what Mimic's core Domain is, I know what mine are. If you Venn diagram that shit, one circle is basically 'fucking shit up'. With the other being 'sex and things described as better than that'. The overlap being, of course, Bloodlust. At any rate, I'm wondering now about Domains and how I got them. I wonder if I'm the Goddess of that shit because some deep part of me is just raw, unfiltered rage, or am I the Goddess of fucking shit up because the Tabitha bit of me Ascended by fucking shit up. If it's the latter, and I can't fuck shit up, I might lose those Domains. If it's the former, that does not say good things about me as a person.

I'd ask Dad, but I've slowly become aware that the Deities here and how believe a lot of shit is true that just plain isn't. Like, there is a vast difference between 'that boulder is immovable' and 'no one is strong enough to move that boulder', but in a world without mechanical advantage, somebody might come to the conclusion that the latter means the former. Then along comes some John Henry motherfucker and the boulder gets moved. Which would make me John Henry, and some part of me feels like I'm gonna die alone in the dark. Which any half decent therapist would tell me is just leftover trauma from dying the way I did.

The thing that's baking my noodle right now is whether I mean getting shot in the head or starving to death in a box.

At any rate, even if those rage Domains aren't some inalienable part of me, they can still affect me. What I did to those Spartans, and even more so to that poor Athenian fucker, is proof positive of that. Don't get me wrong, any guilt I feel over how I killed them is sorta faded, because I caught the Spartans in the act of preparing to rape and murder, and the Athenian was just gonna watch and not even say boo squat about it. But that still means that even if those bits aren't somehow key to me being me, they can still grab me by the hindbrain and make me do the dance.

But here's the thing; if I'm not that huge raging bitch, who the fuck even am I?

Yeah, I didn't say it was a good thought, just that I had it.

At any rate, brought everybody home yesterday. The ones who left home at least, what with Siobhan and the kits staying home due to being sick and being toddlers, respectively.

Yeah. Toddlers. Newborn to toddler in what, three fuckin' months. Something like that at any rate. As I watched them tearing into the panzerottis and getting lectured by Isnomi about, "choo the thoothee, cauth id tatheth beddah," I thought about why we'd Inspected Isnomi in the first place.

Fortunately, I've got better brains than mine to call on. Uh, Councilperson Aetos-Diaz?

Imagine my surprise when Marie replied, Yes?

That unleashed a bunch of giggling in my head as every adult woman in the room with access to my brain snickered at me. You made her a Councilwoman, love. Other than one meeting during her pregnancy, she hasn't failed to run the Phileo Council meeting since.

I did that? That got me a round of affectionate laughter. Okay, Councilwoman Aetos-Diaz, I think we need to Inspect our kits to make sure they're not in danger of, y'know, growing old before their tenth birthday and shit.

I agree. Even in my head, Marie wasn't one to get all loquacious. Okay, now and then she got a little poetic about her feelings for me, but that wasn't exactly normal or unwanted.

I nudged Siobhan, who'd spent the day with Hailee in her lap, and now sat in my lap while the kit got her nom on. "Can you Assess her while I do?"

"Of course, Tabitha."

I might have felt some kinda way about her using my name instead of 'Mistress' or 'Hero' or 'Champion', and spent the rest of dinner nuzzling at her neck a bit. Okay, that and feeding her, because while she hadn't lost much weight, she was pregnant, and should be gaining weight, not losing it. Good news, at least, while she's actively cuddling Hailee like a living hot water bottle most of the day, she winds up with enough appetite at dinner to pack a bit away. Mostly soup, still, but I sort of think that's because she doesn't realize how much she's eating when she's eating soup.

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Seriously, look at a big assed soup bowl. Now fill it with something semi solid like rice or mashed potatoes, then flip that shit over onto a plate. Bam, that's a lot of fuckin' rice. But in a bowl, it's just a bowl of soup, or stew, or whatever.

Yeah, I didn't make the mistake of overfilling her again, but I didn't really have to. She's pregnant and eating for two and finally not pukey sick all the fuckin' time. If she gets away from Hailee for more than an hour or so she gets queasy again, but fuck it, it's not like Hailee doesn't snuggle up to her of her own accord when she's not nursing or eating. I dunno if my youngest kit has picked something up from Sister Siobhan Darling, our little family's best Healer, if it's a birds of a feather thing, or if she's just drawn to Siobhan's misery at eats it, which is really more on point for a Mor, I guess, but still, Hailee seeks out Siobhan, Siobhan feels better, everybody wins.

When we finished bath time, as everybody trooped down to the bedroom, I surreptitiously snagged Siobhan and Hailee and held them back. Once I made sure the door was closed and nobody'd be watching, I crouched in front of a curious Hailee, who'd been toddling along holding Siobhan's hand and now stood in front of her. Just standing there, quietly curious.

"Hey Hailee, sweetie, would you mind if I cast Inspect on you?"

She pondered that, her little face serious, then asked, "it hurts?"

"No, sweetie! It absolutely shouldn't hurt. I've had Mom cast it on me lots of times, and I never even felt it when she did."

She thought a moment more, then nodded. "Okay, Mama."

I shaped the new Inspect, although I left off the whole 'Blend-piercing' bit, both because I didn't think I'd need it, and didn't want to point a mind erasing weapon at my own littlest kit.

Inspection Target:

Hailee Aetos-Diaz

Target Type

Humanoid Biped / Felinoid Quadruped (Maenad, Mor)

Titles

Child, Primordial, Psychopomp

Matriarch

Tabitha Diaz

Attributes:

Strength: 0(T0), Agility: 1(T0), Endurance: 1(T0), Reason: 2(T0), Memory: 2(T0), Personality: 4(T0)

Skills

Blend, Consume Distress, Scent

I was not super thrilled by that Skill of hers, but I wasn't about to let her see that. I also wasn't sure whether her having Blend would fuck up the Assessment or not. Saffron?

I felt her look through my eyes. Well, that explains her affect on our Darling. Unless Isnomi has been teaching the kits to hack their own Auras with Blend, it shouldn't interfere with a basic Assessment, I don't think. I Assessed Isnomi without your Blend-piercing Inspect in effect, and it came out identical. Also, not to be indelicate, but if she were trying to hide something, she might have tried to hide that Skill.

Fair point. "Hailee, I'm going to Assess you now; it won't hurt any more than Inspect did, and it will help us make sure you're healthy and growing right, okay?"

Again she pondered a moment, then nodded. "Okay, Mama."

I shaped Assess, letting Siobhan read the results over my shoulder.

Assessment For: Hailee Aetos-Diaz Target Type: Humanoid Biped / Felinoid Quadruped (Maenad, Mor) General Health: Healthy Conditions: Fatigued Recommended Treatment: Rest Granular Assessment Data: Activate: ( Y / N )

I let Siobhan do her thing with the granular data. When she finished, she smiled and gave a satisfied nod.

"Everything looks okay."

I picked up Hailee and snuggled her a moment, then handed her to Siobhan, who I scooped up in a princess carry. "Let's get to bed then." Why's she showing as 'fatigued'?

Siobhan chuckled, the sound echoed by Saffron and Marie. Because she's a toddler and it's bedtime?

I laughed quietly at that my own self as I carried my lady and my kit down to bed, where everybody snuggled in and fell asleep surprisingly quickly for a crowd of kids and toddler kits.

Dreamt of my ladies all poking gentle fun at Marie for unleashing a whole fuckin' wave of little Mors on the world. Which, because apparently nothing can ever go too right for too long in my life, got interrupted by a wave of Kraken motion-imagery. More come.

While Saffron roused my ladies, directing them to get to their designated Tentacles, I stayed behind for a bit, projecting back, same as before?

The reply wasn't as panicked as they'd been last time. Smaller. Slower.

Small enough? I tried to convey the idea of, like, all my Kraken just bum rushing one of them.

I got back incredulous disbelief. Not, like, upset, just a sort of sense that I thought way more of their abilities than they did. Smaller. Not small.

With that, I woke myself up, got myself to the West Tower both in M-Space and the Mortal Realm, not to mention dropping one of me on the mast of the Black Dragon. She'd wandered a little south of the Alliance proper, what with the last corrupted Jotnar Titan hitting our southernmost Tentacle. At a guess, Saffron didn't want our mess hitting our allies and possible new Alliance members.

Which is how I kind of wound up spending all day with a lot of time to think.

As the sun set, Saffron sent out, sleep aboard ship, ladies, and have your Captains keep Scries and eyes open.

Inigo said it best. I hate waiting.

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