I was going to throw up.

Putting the white book away, I quickly stepped over to the corner of the room and… held my breath.

"Renn…?" Merit's concerned voice rang in my ear, since the room was so small. But I ignored her for a moment as I fought back the sickness, the bile that wanted to…

Ah. It went away. I breathed a sigh of relief, and felt sweaty all of a sudden. "I'm okay… I just… felt sick for a moment," I said as I reached up to touch my forehead.

It felt hot. And clammy, as Vim would call it.

Yet I knew I wasn't sick. Nor was it this room that was affecting me so. It stunk and the air was stale, even with the recently lit candles we'd brought down here for light, but it wasn't so bad to make me nauseous like this.

Instead what was so deeply affecting me was simply what we'd found within it. What had been hiding in it for hundreds of years…

"You sure…? Why don't we go upstairs? We can take them out of the room and read them in the open air," Merit suggested.

I shook my head. These were hidden for a reason. Had been for hundreds of years. I was not going to be the one to break that streak.

We were still in the archive. Merit had known about a stairwell, one that led to a secret room, but it had taken her a whole day to find it. She had excitedly woken me up a few hours ago, informing me she had finally found it behind one of the shelves… but honestly…

I wish she hadn't.

These damned prophecies had not been hidden well enough.

"Renn…?" Merit worriedly asked again as she stepped closer. I felt the stale air shift thanks to her approach and nodded.

"I'm okay… and no… last thing we need is for them to be stolen or seen by the wrong people," I said.

"Honestly Renn, the people who would get upset over us having found them likely already know all about them, like the Chronicler or Light," Merit said.

I groaned as I realized she was right. Odds are they knew full well what these prophecies concerned…

Sighing as I started to feel sick again, I looked again at the couple of shelves in this small room. There were only a hundred or so books and a small stack of scrolls, in here… but I felt more overwhelmed by them than I did the thousands up the stairwell nearby and in the archive above.

I'd only read three so far. The first had not been about me at all, but instead the end of the world. That had been startling, verily so, but it hadn't made me sick. Just like all things, all life, I knew everything had an end. It was inevitable. So although daunting, it at least was normal to me.

The second had upset me, since it had been not a book of prophecies but instead a journal. Celine's journal. A private one. One that she had written things in that made me feel a little uncomfortable, and even a tad angry. She spoke ill of me in it, since in her eyes thanks to my late arrival she had wasted her chance. She felt she could have enjoyed a relationship with Vim, even if for a short while, and had missed out on it because she had been trying to be patient and kind to me. She had written it not for me to read, of course, or anyone for that matter… but as I read it, she had made me feel like I was the one who had stolen her husband. That I had been the home wrecker, somehow. As if her lack of experiencing love and such companionship was all my fault, because I had not showed up when I had been supposed to.

That journal had upset me, but it wasn't until I had opened the third one that I'd actually felt sick… the one I'd just hastily put back on the shelf in its improper spot. Upside down, too.

Stepping back over to the shelf I grabbed it again. I quickly opened it to the same page I'd just read, and with a heavy heart read it again.

This time aloud. "He'll not join until she's here. He'll come and go, sporadically helping here and there, but we will not gain his true worth until she arrives to shackle him to us. Where is she? I've sent so many out to find her, and yet still she's not arrived. How can someone so important be so late…?" I read Celine's words.

Merit shifted next to me, and thanks to the sounds her feet made as she did I knew this place hadn't been visited in a very long time. There were tiny pebbles and even dirt all over the floor. It's not been cleaned in a very long time. "Vim had joined though…? He's been the protector for hundreds of years," Merit said softly.

I nodded. He had and has been. "Maybe to her his agreement, his duties, weren't enough? Maybe to her all this time he's not been doing what he's meant to?" I wondered. It was hard to interpret her words as anything else. She was basically saying that Vim would only help the Society in part until I showed up to… what? Force him to dedicate more of himself to the Society?

Was this possibly concerning his rules…? Was I supposed to convince him to break them, possibly…? But if I did that…

"What's the rest say?"

I gulped, dreading the rest, but read it anyway. "Nonetheless, another prophecy missed. Another group lost to us because she's not here. Maybe she's dead. Maybe this is all for nothing and…" I stopped reading again as I closed my eyes and tried to squeeze back the tears that wanted to leak from them.

"If you're going to weep let me finish reading it," Merit said.

I sniffed and shook my head. No. I needed to do this. Or rather, I decided to do this. This was all my fault. I had been hardheaded and had wanted to know, and here I was… about to break and…

Gulping again, I ignored the tears sliding down my face as I continued reading the next part of the prophecy. Or rather, her notes at the bottom of it, where she'd written her thoughts on it. "The longer she takes to show up the greater the losses. The greater the decay and the harder it will be to rebuild. Vim is capable of great feats, but even he is only able to do so much. The foundation she was meant to build, the one to last us until the great upheaval, is not here and even if it's built now it'll be too little too late. Maybe…" I hesitated as something hard and heavy caught in my throat. I gulped it down again and finished reading the page. "Maybe this is all my fault. Maybe by panicking I sent us down a road unforgivable. One destined for failure."

The next page had a new prophecy, but I didn't want to read it yet. Especially since the one I'd just read had nearly broke me.

A thousand dead. Because I had not been there.

A thousand people. A whole bloodline. And…

"The great upheaval…? I feel like I've heard that before…" Merit though had focused on something else, mumbling as she spoke.

"Their religious text has it. It's a time where the world sets afire, then a long period of winters destroys everything. Supposedly only the faithful will find salvation amongst the desolation and survive," I said, glad to think of something else for a moment. I searched deep into my memories, scouring all the conversations I've heard and had… and couldn't remember anyone ever mentioning it. Not even in passing. I don't think even Vim's said it.

"If they modeled their faith after her prophecies… then that might be what she means. It'd not surprise me, knowing Celine and the rest, to do that," Merit said simply.

I took a deep breath, hated it for the moment I held it in since the air in this room tasted bad, and then breathed it out.

"Rennalee will head east. To build a port city, upon the old Capital of Provinces. While there she will settle the influence of our church and Vim will slay a monarch. One whose children will conform and apostatize into our cloth…" I read another prophecy, while I felt still able to do so.

"Why does she keep calling you Rennalee? Not Renn? Would be easier to write," Merit asked.

I slowly shook my head. "I don't know… I hadn't even realized they knew my name, Celine's letter had only called me his heart," I said. And Capital of Provinces…? Wasn't that where Lumen was now built…?

"So you were meant to found Lumen. And in doing so make a new Telmik. You hadn't, of course, Brandy, Gerald and Vim had. And now Light's there to finish the job," Merit then added, confirming I'd been right. Celine had indeed been talking about Lumen.

I groaned at that. "I… I don't know if I want to do this anymore…" I said as I closed the book again. Like the one before, Celine had wrote notes beneath the prophecy, likely again detailing how I had failed everyone or something, but I didn't want to read it. I closed my eyes, and although still felt sick I wasn't worried about throwing up just yet. I just felt… dizzy. Exhausted.

Hurt.

I put the book back in its spot, if anything just to give me a chance to focus on something else for a moment. It didn't work as I closed my eyes again, doing my best to not start weeping or throwing up.

Merit didn't say anything as I heard her grab something off the shelf. I didn't open my eyes as I heard her open a book and go about reading it.

A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

Thankfully she didn't do so aloud.

Vim had been right. Was right.

I shouldn't have pried into this. I should have let it all be. I should have just lived in ignorance.

It was one thing to have shown up late. Since that meant my love, my relationship with Vim, had been postponed. Which meant in turn my children were late to be born. That knowledge had been hurting for a long time. As it had to know that I could have been here, helping and supporting the Society for a lot longer. Even just being here for Merit as her kingdom fell, or Lilly when she lost her wings, was something I'd always regret I'd not done.

But… to know my lack of being here had basically brought low the whole of the Society…?

I'd only read a few prophecies so far, but it was very clear. Celine blamed many of the Society's failures, particularly Vim's, on me. Or rather, my lack of being here to prevent them.

I honestly didn't understand how my mere presence could have saved so many lives… but I knew better than to think I was misreading her words. They were rather clear. Written in plain ink.

Vim was meant to be something more. To do more. Be better. Not just a protector, but something greater. A leader. A king, maybe. And he wasn't those things… because I wasn't here, or hadn't been here, to force him to be so. And Celine was very confident in that fact.

So it wasn't that I myself would have made a difference, not in the great grand scheme at least, but rather… I'd have influenced Vim. Into being just a tad more… well…

"Before you keep crying, Renn, know that blaming others for her failures had been Celine's greatest fault. It was never her fault, or her church's fault, that they failed… it was Vim's. Or ours. Or yours, I guess. She never took accountability. It was why I and so many others had not wanted to associate ourselves with her or her church after enough time had passed. We had all realized what she was really like," Merit said as she kept reading.

I sniffed before responding. "Is she wrong though…?"

Merit shifted again and I finally opened my eyes to glance at her. My friend had a sad look on her face as she shrugged. "I don't know, Renn. Most of their prophecies are wrong in certain ways. Little discrepancies and such… but…"

"But even when wrong they hold a sliver of truth," I whispered, quoting Vim.

She nodded softly as she lowered the book she'd been reading. It looked large in her hands, though in reality most of them were rather small. "I'll not deny it, Renn. It's… possible. Your presence has already been shown to change Vim. So far it hasn't been too deeply… but you've only been together for what? Two years? Three? A blink of an eye. And you've not even had children yet. I don't want to agree with what Celine claims, but I won't deny the possibility… After all, who is to say what Vim will be like in a decade? In fifty years? A hundred? He might be completely different by then; at the rate you're changing him. Different enough even, yes… to have possibly saved far more than he had," Merit spoke calmly, but her face looked distraught. As if she too wanted to cry. Yet not a single tear gleamed in her eyes which held my own.

"How'd I screw up this bad…?" I groaned as I knelt down. I didn't sit down, but I crouched and hugged my knees. I felt like sobbing, but feared if I did I'd throw up. My stomach was feeling weird again.

"It is fate, Renn. And it's not something we can change. I know reading all these makes you feel like you failed, somehow, but… in all honesty Renn, who is to say that's the truth? How are we to know something worse wouldn't have happened if you had shown up earlier? Yes you might have saved a few more of us back then, either directly or not doesn't matter, but what if in by doing so something even worse occurred…? Maybe the way it is happening, and had happened, is the better way," Merit reasoned.

"You sound like you're trying to convince me of something even you don't believe," I said.

Merit sighed at me. "Really, Renn, you're the one who wanted to know. What did you think you were going to find…? What did you expect?" Merit asked.

To find out I was meant to show up years ago. Not that I was responsible for thousands and thousands of deaths.

What would Vim think…? By his parents what would he think if he knew the terrible truth?

I began to cry, and it hurt to do so. I pushed my face into my knees, groaning as I tried not to fall backward onto my butt. I'd not crouched down like this in a long time, and it seemed I almost wasn't able to do so. Probably because I was unstable, internally, and…

A tiny hand patted against my back, making me hesitate. I glanced up, finding Merit close by as she gently rubbed my back. "Deep breaths, Renn. This hurts, but now we've done it. We must endure and face it; else all we'll have is shame."

"I don't want to read the rest…" I whispered.

"I know. Neither do I, to be honest…" she said softly as she glanced at the book she still held. I dared a glance at it, since she held it open and it was angled my way. Although I had only looked at it for a brief moment, I had recognized a few words written upon it. Notably names. Ones I knew.

My eyes welled up again. "Lellip's family…?"

Merit's face hardened a little, confirming I had not misread. This time I fell to the ground, spreading my legs apart as I grabbed at my face and hair. I clung to it as I let out a deep groan of pain and sorrow. The sound echoed loudly in the little room, making my own ears flutter, and I hated not just how miserable I sounded but how animalistic I did too.

That had not been a woman's groan but a beast's. A large one. I knew the small room had likely made it sound so, but for a moment there I had not heard my own wails but instead my ancestor's. My uncle's, the monarch's.

"Renn…" Merit whispered my name as I tried to control my own emotions. It was hard, nearly impossible, but I knew I had to do it.

I now needed to read that one, at least… or… "What's it say…?" I asked between sobs.

"The prophecy…?" Merit asked quietly.

I nodded.

She at first didn't answer… but then I heard her look back to the book. She seemed to read it for a moment, and then she cleared her throat and spoke. "The Smithy will collapse in the years of the long sun. If Rennalee is there during the plague that follows, Vim will arrive with a cure. If she is not…" Merit's voice drifted as she stopped speaking, going quiet.

"I killed her family…?" I couldn't believe it…! They had been dozens strong! Able to fill that whole smithy, and…!

"In this instance I'd argue Vim is the cause, Renn. If he had known a cure why had he not shown up with it back then? He had been there. Spent months trying to help them," Merit said.

Blinking blurry eyes I looked up at my friend and sniffed. "Huh…?"

Merit nodded with a frown as she turned the page and kept reading. "A strange sickness took most of them. After a church attack. Vim had showed up and saved quite a few, but they all ended up dying from the disease. He had been there already, Renn… And although Vim will sometimes keep things secret for one reason or another, he's never kept something like that a secret. He's shared such cures before, and he sees Nebl as a good friend. He would not have allowed Nebl's family to die like that if he had a way to prevent it, rules be damned," Merit said.

Right…!

He wouldn't have. Vim would have definitely saved them…!

In fact he would have done anything and everything in his power to do so. It was why he had been so angry and upset with Nebl's family back then, when Nebl had gotten stuck in the collapsed mine… he had felt no one had done enough. He'd been so upset he had brought it up with Nebl and even in front of me, even back when we hadn't been as close as we were now. And Vim would have been even stricter on himself…

"So it's wrong…!" I said, hopeful.

"Rather… again, a saint has simply misinterpreted what she saw. Really, Renn, you should know better than anyone by now how true that statement is."

I should. But…

Sniffing some more I went to wipe my face. I didn't like how wet it was, I had to resort to wiping it with my shirt. "What's the rest say?" I asked.

"It ended and went to another prophecy. One about, who I assume, is Berri and her family."

"Berri…?" I felt my gut twist, why another one so close to home!!

"Rather her people. They too had suffered disease, killing them all off. Celine claims most would have been saved had you been here, because half would have left their inlet and lived with you and Vim," Merit said as she continued reading.

"Gosh…!" I squeezed up again as I kept wiping my face. More tears were replacing the ones I'd clean off.

That one hurt a lot! Because it was so very believable! If I had shown up earlier, I definitely would have a home by now. Especially if I had children. And as such, just as we were now, people I considered friends would also join me… join us there… and…

"Before you start weeping again, consider this…" Merit patted my head, making me look up at her again. "We're basically doing that, aren't we? Making your home? And those like myself are gravitating towards it, yes?"

I sniffed and nodded. Wasn't that just verification that what Celine said should have happened, would have?

"Then in theory we're still on track. Even if late," she finished with a shrug.

"That's… supposed to make me feel better…?" I asked.

"Yeah? Makes me feel better at least."

Sometimes I forgot that Merit was still Merit.

"Also, Renn… you're forgetting something else," Merit then added.

"What…? That I'd still have allowed half of Berri's family to die?" I asked, feeling a little pessimistic.

"Rather… could one not argue then that they'd still be alive if they would have just… left themselves? If going to your home would have saved them, likely by getting them away from whatever had caused the sickness, then you could argue they could have gone anywhere. Telmik, Lumen, hell even the other continent like the rest had. In which case they didn't die because you showed up late, but simply because they're stupid," Merit argued.

"How would I tell Berri and her family that…!?" I asked.

"With a smile, or a scowl, I'd prefer a scowl."

"Merit…!"

She chuckled at me and closed the book. There had still been a few more prophecies left, but she seemed no longer interested in reading them. "What? It's true, Renn. Just like all prophecies, if you step back and look at them they always have that fatal flaw. There's always a what-if? And that what-if falls apart quick because half the time the prophecies don't even come true in the first place, and when they do? It's usually by mere fluke or they end so differently one has to do mental gymnastics to reason the connection between them in the first place!"

"Gym what?" I asked.

"A sport. One I'd think you'd do great at. But you hear what I'm saying, right? My meaning?" Merit asked, not caring to explain further.

Taking a deep breath I nodded. "Yes… you're saying even if Celine was right, is right, I shouldn't dwell too much upon it. Because just as I was a possible solution, so too were there many others. And they all failed too," I said.

"Yeah…! Wait… why'd you explain that better than I just had?" Merit asked.

I sniffed as I smiled at her. She looked, and sounded, genuinely upset over that. "Fine… I'll not blame myself. Not completely, and not yet, but…" I stood up again, feeling a tad better if anything because of how Merit was acting. She felt for me but I could tell she was on the verge of just telling me to stop crying and to grow a spine. Her hardheaded view of the world and its intricacies made me feel a little less… stressed.

"But what?" Merit asked since I'd not finished.

"But only if you promise to hold me later tonight as I cry in bed," I said as I went to pick up another white book.

"I'll be the one crying, then," Merit said with a sigh.

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