Salt Fat Acid Magic [Nom-Fiction | Food Fights | Culinary Academy]

Bk 3 Chapter 4 - The Parade of Kingdoms


Archie stared up at the statue of Tamani.

"Does it look like her?" Arty asked.

Archie studied the face. Only a sliver of it was visible within the hooded parka. "Well…when I saw her, she was even bigger than this statue and made of light. So…hard to say?"

"Fair enough." Arty laughed and pointed to the statue of Wasna, the tubetop-wearing, feather-clad daughter of Ambrosia that went to Kuutsu Nuna. "I'd want to meet her. She seems wild. So what do you think of your first Ambrosial Summit?"

Archie laughed and looked around the Children's Square. A relatively small—meaning still quite large—statue of Ambrosia helmed the square, her arms outstretched to her four children, who had been chiseled out of even larger statues. Buildings with long, lively balconies boxed in the square on three sides, little roads offering a way through the corners.

Ambrosia City loved their statues. But they loved their food more.

Countless food stands filled the square, their cloth canopies decorated to represent the homeland of the Chef that worked underneath as they catered to hundreds of guests. The smell of freshly baked bread danced with the aroma of cooked onion. The nutty notes of coffee battled the smoky, savory smell of bacon.

A pair of boys ran past with skewered fried onions. A girl bumped into Archie, nearly losing her ice cream in the process. A man held a loaf of sourdough in a cloth napkin, breathing out of the sides of his mouth as a bite of bread burnt his tongue.

With a few copper coins in hand, Archie scanned for something he could afford. His eyes were captured by blueberry-glazed steak kabobs and seven-layered cakes and spice-coated pineapples. He scratched his chin as he considered his options, his nails catching a bit of stubble. He scratched more at the new discovery. He had always wondered what he might look like with a beard, but he had never been able to grow one. Maybe that would change soon.

He decided on the pineapple. The tropical flavor and juiciness would be a welcome departure from the drab food of Khala.

"How much for a slice of pineapple?" he asked the Chef working the stand.

"No charge. Just grab one."

"Really?" Archie had never heard of anything free this far north in Ambrosia City.

"Yeah. Prince Waldorf already paid for everything here. Take what you want."

Archie blinked. "Prince Waldorf?"

"Grab one or get out of the way," the Chef said, motioning to the people lining up behind Archie.

Archie grabbed a skewered slice but almost felt like he shouldn't. Prince Waldorf? Since when had that monstrous excuse of a man ever had an ounce of charity in him? No, it would have been more like Waldorf to buy all the food for himself and leave none for anyone else. Archie could have lived with that. But this? Something about this put him on edge. What was Waldorf's game?

A sweet bite of pineapple made him forget his worries. It had been grilled to sweet perfection and coated with just enough spice to give it a kick. Throw in just a bit of tartness and sourness and Archie found himself discovering perhaps his all-time favorite summer snack. He thought about his puny blueberries. He had managed to find a use for them, but he couldn't help but to imagine how much more effective it'd be to launch a spiked pineapple at someone.

"Dad, you gotta try this." Archie turned around to his father.

Arty had half a beignet sticking out of his mouth. "Mmm, mmm," he mumbled as if Archie would be able to understand him. Arty's face lit up and he tried to swallow down his pastry as he pointed past Archie.

The footsteps came fast and heavy. Archie barely managed to turn himself around in time to receive the hug. He didn't need to look down to know who it was. He knew that embrace. He hugged back twice as hard.

"Nori!" Arty cheered.

Nori gave Archie one last squeeze before pulling away and holding her arms out. "Arty!"

"You cut your hair!"

Nori put on a little show, twisting back and forth to let her black hair dance around her shoulders.

Arty clapped. "Yeah, looking good!"

Archie watched with mild surprise. She had never looked so comfortable just…being her. His heart skipped a beat. "Everything went well in Khaldeer?" he asked.

Nori gave Arty a quick hug and then turned to Archie. "So great. I think we really made a difference."

"Archie was telling me you were growing giant barnacles?"

"Barnacle soup is on the menu every night in Khaldeer now." Nori laughed at Arty's grossed out expression. "It's actually quite tasty," she clarified.

"Where's everyone else?" Archie asked.

"Barley went straight to the Academy to rest. He's mostly recovered, but all that travel was tough for him. Sutton actually took a detour and went to Sain."

"Really?" Archie asked.

"He's the bookish one, right?" Arty asked.

Nori nodded. "He wanted to study the acorn."

"It's a tree now," Archie said. "Well, a sapling. He's gonna miss the exam."

"He said he didn't care." Nori shrugged, then hopped as she remembered something. "We saw something crazy on our way in! A Black Jacket was getting arrested at the gates."

"What?! Was it by Waldorf's men?"

"No, Acorn Guard. It was crazy. He wouldn't get out of his carriage, and then all these other Chefs started getting in the way of the Acorn Guard. Picea ended up pushing through and yanking the guy out."

"Picea's here?!" Archie looked around. If she was in the Children's Square, it wouldn't be hard to spot her.

"She'll be with the Khalyan procession." Nori noticed Archie's pineapple and yanked it from his hand, eating it with no remorse like the monster that she was.

"Hey!" Archie complained.

"What? I've been in the carriage all day." Nori took another bite. "Only thing I've eaten today is a little bowl of stew at The Gift, and that was just so I didn't pass out. Chandler says you have a new girlfriend."

Archie's lungs collapsed.

"They're still figuring things out," Arty said before taking another bite of a beignet.

Nori nodded and spoke around Archie. "Makes sense. He's a chicken."

"Little bit," Arty confirmed.

Archie felt like he was taking blows from all sides. They laughed at his expense as he stomped away to get in line for another pineapple skewer.

He made it halfway to the stand when a new energy struck the plaza. People shuffled to form a path for a procession of guards as a single bugle announced the arrival of someone important. Archie squinted to see through their ranks, afraid of taking a step forward and losing his place in line.

In the crowd of the guards, one man stood out amongst the rest. His knotted crown and white Chef's jacket made him the most recognizable man in the world. Grand King Flambé.

This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

But something was off about him. Archie couldn't figure out exactly how, but the man looked different. Thinner, perhaps. His usual aura seemed diminished. He even took a hand to help him up the platform that had been built in front of the statue of Ambrosia.

"All hail Grand King Flambé," the guards called out.

The crowd cheered with love.

Grand King Flambé said something inaudible to the crowd. He coughed and tried again, shaking his head in disappointment at his feeble volume. He took a vial from a nearby guard and drank it. "Thank you, thank you," he said, his voice booming through the plaza. "Welcome to the Ambrosial Summit."

Another round of applause.

"Now, I'll keep this short, because I know our friends have traveled a long way to be here." He let out a magically-amplified cough that shook the food stands of the square. Archie wondered if the king had another reason for keeping things short.

"Let me just say it is an honor and privilege to host you all. The Ambrosial Summit is a great opportunity to grow unity between our united kingdoms—and it's a great opportunity to eat some delicious food!"

The crowd laughed along with him.

"Now please, the Chancellor of Culinary Arts, Chancellor Bergamot."

The king stepped aside for an old man that used a cane to take his position. For as feeble as the man seemed, Archie remembered him seeming much closer to death's door this time last year. The chancellor took a drink from a vial, not bothering to even try getting his natural voice throughout the square.

"Thank you, Grand King Flambé, and thank all of you for being here today. Over a thousand years ago, Ambrosia brought magic to The Platter. But her generosity didn't end there."

He motioned to the statues of the children.

"She sent forth her four children to find other pockets of civilization to protect them and show them the ways of agriculture and culinary arts. As any parent can attest, this was her greatest sacrifice—never seeing her children again so that the world might be a better place. And so on this day, we offer our thanks to Ambrosia by calling back the fruits of her sacrifice. For where her children went, kingdoms were born. And today, we welcome back these kingdoms."

The chancellor motioned to the bugler, who played a few heraldic notes.

A trumpet responded from down the road. Then a second trumpet joined its call. Then a third and a fourth and a great swell of piercing notes rose, accompanied by the percussive crescendo of marching feet.

"Look!" Nori pointed. "It's Julienne!"

Knights in bulky metal armor and greatswords marched into the space of the square. Behind them, horses pulled two open-top carriages. In the first carriage, a king and queen stood and waved. In the rear carriage, the three Juliennes, perfectly alike with their black hair and high cheekbones and noble air, nodded to the crowd. Finally, thirty people walked behind on foot, half of them Chefs, the other half people around Archie's age.

Whereas Chefs from The Platter wore jackets that folded over to one side before being buckled in, the Labruscan Chefs wore jackets that had a double row of buttons straight down the middle. Between the style and their reputation, Archie thought it looked like the Chefs were all puffing their chests out with pride.

"Ambrosia sent her only son, Nectarus, to Labrusca, where he ruled as king," the chancellor announced as he gestured to one of the statues of the children. "We welcome his descendant, King Verjus. The Chefs that accompany King Labrusca are our Juliennes, who run Cafe Julienne here in the city, and are the pride of Labrusca and Ambrosia City alike."

The Labruscan trumpeters played a noble tune as some of the accompanying Chefs conjured long noodle streamers that waved about in the air. A final carriage came up the rear, packed to the brim with cheeses and breads and wines. The procession stopped in front of the stage and turned to welcome the next guests.

An eager silence took over the crowd.

The sound of the wind came from the west in a single note. It grew louder and louder and then fractured into a harmonious blend of flutes. The musicians led the procession, not wearing armor but instead colorful feathers tucked into armbands. Drummers tapped softly, adding a calming rhythm to the flutes.

A man in beautifully patterned robes waved, the downward-pointing feathers sticking out from his shoulders making him look like a bird. Next to him, a woman wore a white Chef's jacket that ended in long strands of fringe, accented by feathers that pointed up out of her armbands. And standing behind them—and as large as both of them put together—was a hefty, bearded man with a white beret that matched his more traditional white Chef's jacket.

"Ambrosia's eldest daughter, Wasna, followed the Kuutsu, and as chieftainess, helped to establish the kingdom of Kuutsu Nunu. We welcome Chieftainess Monarda, Viceroy Beau, and Chef Andouille."

Behind the group of the established and prospective Kuutsan Chefs, another group of musicians followed, carrying great brass constructs of tubes and valves. At the cue of a drummer, the musicians blew into these great instruments to produce velvet tones that swung and popped, transforming their procession from a thoughtful march to a party.

And if the music didn't put a dance in the people's step, the smell did. Beautiful, rich, and languid, a sweet smoke that blessed the senses. Archie resisted the compulsion to step toward its source, keeping his spot in line even though he knew the treats he was in line for would never compare to what he smelled.

An applause started at one end of the square and rippled through as the source of the smell came into view. Three sets of horses pulled three great metal barrels with smoke pouring from their chimneys. Archie had never tried Kuutsu brisket. Now that he had smelled it, he knew his life would never be complete until he did.

The music primed everyone for a celebration, but after they were asked to quiet down in preparation for the next arrival, the atmosphere took a turn. Instead of bouncy, unpredictable drums, the next kingdom was heralded by handheld gongs that were only hit loud enough to sustain a steady vibration. Instead of blasting, swinging brass notes, the new musicians moved pestles around the edges of crystal glasses, producing a soft, relaxing hum.

"Another of Ambrosia's daughters, Tamani, brought prosperity to the cold mountains of Khala. We welcome back King Tritsun, first of his name. Accompanying him are Kohlrabi, the Bhante's assistant, and Berit Berg, the great-great-great grandson of Boris Berg, for whom we owe many thanks for his work with heidrun milk in creating the refrigeration that we all rely on today."

Three people waved from the carriage and none of them looked like kings. Archie assumed the man in the front was the king, but with his bespectacled face, dull clothing, and small stature, he didn't seem the kingly type.

"Is that the king?" he asked Nori.

"Yeah." She waved at the king, catching his eye. He hopped once and waved. Even his behavior was unkingly.

Archie wondered how strange it would have been to see the Bhantla celebrating in a parade. You will enjoy the festival, she would say in that certain, fact-stating voice of hers.

The crowd seemed equally unimpressed, no longer clapping along to the music with jubilant cheer, but rather watching pensively as the sad procession made their way to the stage. There was no fanfare, no draw. Their march to the stage was purely economical—not a celebration, just a necessary movement.

The only part of the Khalyan procession that excited Archie were two of the Chefs that trailed the carriages. He waved to Picea and Hawthorn. Picea smiled back but kept about her business. Hawthorn nearly spoiled the mood of their silent march with a loud, "hey!"

Archie couldn't tell what foods they had brought in their rear carriage, but whatever they were, they produced no aromas and inspired no hunger. He hadn't expected much, but he was still disappointed.

The crowd and Archie alike were eager to get on to the final procession.

It did not disappoint.

The clack! clack! clack! of woodblocks signaled their arrival. A frenetic twanging joined in as musicians played three-stringed banjos with wooden picks that were larger than their hands. Others blew into modified conches, creating all sorts of whistles and horns. The wall of sound lacked the groove of the Kuutsan display, but made Archie's heart flutter with the beat. Dancers spun around with giant fans, bringing some semblance of order to the chaotic music. Nori slid behind Archie.

"Ambrosia's youngest daughter, Shinsen, traveled east to find a flourishing civilization in Uroko and brought them to even greater heights. We welcome King Keiro. Accompanying him is Daikon Harper, patriarch of the Harper clan."

"Don't let him see me," Nori muttered.

Whatever regal element the Khalyan king had lacked, the Urokan king had double. Every shade of the ocean was represented on his robes, golden tassels draping over the dark blue of his shoulders while a streak of white cut across the bright blues on his chest. A peacock's tail of a crown rose above his forehead, its golden points accentuated with bright rubies.

The grandeur of the king was matched by the intensity of the Chef beside him. The White Jacket didn't just seem like a fighter—he seemed like a warrior on the verge of battle. Rather than smiling and waving, he scanned the crowd, his dark eyes seeming to burn a path wherever they looked. Archie felt their heat as they flickered past him, triggering his fight or flight response.

The White Jacket's aura was matched by the Chefs that followed behind, a collection of highly ranked Chefs that marched with a militant step and surveyed the crowd with steely eyes. Tataki led the Chefs on the ground—Archie couldn't believe that one of the world's best fighters wasn't worthy of a Urokan chariot.

Their jackets were the most artistic of all the kingdoms, silver and gold threads stitched into the kalypo fibers to form various patterns of flowers and fish and waves and birds. The prospective first-years carried a series of long paper banners with colorful displays of their kingdom's achievements.

And finally, bringing up the rear, the horses dragged a carriage carrying a closed clamshell large enough to fit several people. It opened as it neared the stage, revealing a haul of seafood that was undoubtedly as fresh as the day it had been taken from the sea. Upon the reveal of such riches, the Khalyan king turned his nose and spoke with rigidity to his companions.

"Welcome, all!" the chancellor announced, having taken another swig to speak over the crowd. "Tomorrow we will have our day of mentorship, but tonight, we celebrate a United Ambrosia!"

All of the different kingdom's musicians sounded off at once—no matter how unified Ambrosia may have been, the musicians all played a different tune. But their clashing cacophony did nothing to stifle the mood. People mingled and danced and laughed and ate.

Some of the line in front of Archie departed in the hopes of obtaining some of the fresh food from the other kingdoms. Archie considered making a break for the kuutsu brisket, but the line quickly grew to wrap around half of the square.

Archie's disappointment lasted as long as the line in front of him. As he enjoyed the skewered pineapple that he had waited so long for, he could only smile and marvel at the vibrant foods and cultures of Ambrosia.

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