POV: Ernie

The pale pink undead flapjack octopi twirled in the water, their bodies in the shape of upside-down teacups. They were puny. Puny! Only the size of half of Ernie's smallest tentacle, but they made up for their small size with their attitude. Their translucent fins flapped on top of their round heads, waving at Ernie as they burbled and squeed.

"That's it, flapjacks, keep it up, but more angry energy, make the enemy tremble!"

Ernie was puffing them up. An octopus the size of Logan's fist wanting to look intimidating? Hah! And yet Ernie was smart and knew how to motivate his army. If they believed in themselves and formed a wall of little fists, they just might fool their opponents into thinking they were one mass of teacups! Participation! Motivation! All of it was important!

Ernie waved his tentacles in a savage, savage dance, then stilled and pulsed the end of his left tentacle with a red light. At his signal, the Giant Pacific undead octopi jumped to attention, forming a colossal wall in a tight formation. Puffing their large bodies, widening their eyes and spraying white filaments through the water, they were the envy of the rest. The vanguard!

"Yes yes yes!" Ernie beamed. "Keep it up, pacifics!"

Twirling upside down, Ernie waved his tentacles with a carefully rehearsed pattern. As one, the remaining octopi spit out the pebbles in their mouths in a lethal, continuous spray while at the same time warping their bodies and forming spikes on top of their heads. Unlike Ernie's horns, these looked like spears with the tip of a shark tooth at the ends. It wouldn't do anything against the queen serpent, but to her minions, woe betide the sight. (Ernie had learned that phrase in the underwater garbage lands).

Ernie turned right side up, his eyes alight with pleasure. With another flash of a tentacle that he pulsed white, a hundred undead sturgeons flapped their ratty bone-fins, pushing their bodies through the water in a circle, creating a wall of protection. A magic, undead sturgeon barrier! Nearest to Ernie, Larry, his mighty steed, kept tripping over his fins in his eagerness to keep Ernie in sight. Such a good minion!

Ernie felt a pulse of satisfaction to see his minion army coming together. For he was mighty; he was stealthy; he would rule like no other!

With another bob in the water, he signaled the undead fish to dart through the minion swarm, filling the water with pale, milky white eyes and flapping fins. "Good job, tasty treats! Keep up that energy! But less playfulness and more might! You are tasty treats that will tear your opponents apart. You're a force to be reckoned with, you're undefeated. You will latch onto their fins and shred them to pieces! Burrow into their stomachs. Wash in the blood of the weaklings!"

The fish faltered, their eyes widening, but then they bobbed their tails, their expressions full of renewed determination, their mouths popping open in fishy smiles. Ernie suspected that was their attempt at glares of intimidation.

Oh well. Points for effort!

Up above, beaks broke the surface as the undead ducks stared down at Ernie's army, their eyes full of longing. "Hah! Next time, birdies! You'll get your chance!" Although he hadn't restrained himself from adding land animals to his minion army, the birdies wouldn't help against the queen serpent's underwater army. And yet, they could be the scouts, alerting Ernie to danger from above.

And then there was his proudest achievement.

Underneath his feet, Tasha stood on the sandy floor of the lake, her eyes alert, watching the minions doing their drills, but also watching for underwater threats. Her skin had less visible scars than before, but her light brown skin had grown pale, her eyes flashing with a green glow. Whereas Jack's bald head had a hint of white stubble—new hair! Ernie felt proud surveying it. Take that, naysayers! Being undead didn't mean you had an undead body.

Since he'd transformed fashionista Tasha and dashing Jack, they'd been pleased to learn that their new undead powers allowed them to breathe underwater. Now, they could join Ernie's army and help fight the flower tentacle minions! Undead human against undead human! Ernie cackled and did another savage, savage dance, his horns jumping up and down in excitement.

Down below, Tasha rolled her eyes, and Jack blew out a bubble of air in a long-suffering sigh.

With a burst of joy, Ernie pulled up his stat sheet.

Name: Murderous Octopus (Hidden Name: I Rival All)

Level: 101

Grade: E0

Species: Cephalopod Liche

Titles: Sapience Early Adopter; Clam Mass Slaughterer

Undead Minions: 575

Minion Multiplier Boost: 3

XP Progress: 190,000/202,000

Karma: 3150/3150

Intelligence: 175 x 3 = 525

Wisdom: 175 x 3 = 525

Strength: 200 x 3 = 600

Agility: 200 x 3 = 600

Endurance: 105 x 3 + 100% boost = 630

Free Attribute Points: 0

KarmaCoin: 3,900,300

Ernie rubbed two of his tentacles against each other and wiggled in the water, his eyes lingering on the KarmaCoin total. Although he was annoyed that squishy human Logan had left on his grand epic quest without taking Ernie, Ernie could admit to a bit of pride. He had the best bonded companion! The best! The most powerful, the richest! As it should be. A bonded companion who rivaled all needed a human to match.

With on last twirl in the water, Ernie pulsed his whole body with red, blooming his skin with color. As one, his army paused, eyes watchful.

"An excellent drill, minions! Each day, you continue to improve. Such good minions!"

The sturgeons wagged their tails, the octopi puffed with pride, and the tasty treats let their bodies drop to the bottom of the lake in exhaustion. Ernie had learned that it was important to reward his minions for good work. Unlike the serpent queen, although her army would fight for her, it would be out of obligation, not loyalty or a belief in the cause. He'd done enough reading in the underwater garbage lands to learn that being an inspiring leader, one loved rather than feared, was the way to get every point of effort from his minions.

Ernie might not win against her with pure numbers, her army sitting at what had to be thousands by this point, but he would win the battle that was most important. Win a minion's love, and it would fight to the death to please you.

"Back to your duties, everyone!"

With a surge of his tentacles, Ernie used his agility to send himself flying up to the surface, jumping out of the lake like a dolphin and then zooming over to the beach. He'd felt a tug deep in his belly for the last few minutes, a Logan-tug, which meant that Logan must have returned.

Ernie had a strongly worded letter of complaint for him! Puffing, he darted over the sand and then jumped onto Logan's armour covered back, splashing him with water.

Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

Logan froze and then turned his head. Peering at Ernie, his body relaxed and he loosened his shoulders. His hair was standing up in a mop-y mess—very unstylish! Ernie knew what that meant.

"What's up, buddy?" asked Logan.

"Pfft!"

"Pfft? What's 'pfft' mean?"

Ernie jumped off Logan and onto the beach, turning his head away from him, refusing to look.

Logan snorted, sounding like he was choking, before he gentled his voice. "What did I do this time? Never mind, I have something that just might cheer you up." There was a clanging sound on the sand.

Unwillingly, Ernie's gaze was drawn to the… the… lump of metal with a hollow opening? Logan would have to do better than giving him a garbage can to change his mind. Just because Ernie admired the underwater garbage lands, didn't mean he wanted to walk around carrying a trash can. It wasn't even stylish! No color! Dull! Dull!

"Pfft!" He turned his head away again.

"Nah, I think you'll like this. Scan it with [Identify]."

Hmm. Ernie tried to appear unaffected, tilting his face up, darting his gaze from Logan to the garbage can, but then with a burst of speed, he scurried over to it and gave it a scrutinizing glance.

[Bonded Companion Helm. S grade. This helm molds to your bonded companion, taking on whatever shape your companion wishes. Any area protected by this helm will be impervious to injury.]

Ernie hissed, his eyes wide. With a tentative tentacle, he rested it against the metal, and then jerked back, uncertain. "For me…?"

"I don't see any other bonded companion around here, do you? I know it will ruin your whole look, but I think it'll help protect you."

Ernie held back a gasp. Ruin his look? He wanted to pat Logan on the head, such a precious thing! It wouldn't ruin his look; it would complete it.

Wasting no time, Ernie jumped on top of the metal blob, wrapping his tentacles around it like it was a ball, petting it, caressing it. Hahah! With this, he would fashion a crown to rule them all. Ernie scooted through the sand, sticking his head through the hollow end of the lumpy metal. Just like that, there was an awareness between him and the hat. It wasn't alive, not quite, but he could tell that it wanted to do his bidding.

Panting, Ernie concentrated on an image in his mind, an image of a mighty king on top of a throne wearing a metal crown made of thorns. A powerful crown that gleamed, signaling to everyone who viewed it that the octopus who wore it was mighty, a being who rivaled all.

With a pulse of warmth, the lump of metal transformed, growing strands that looped in a circle, interweaving, while metal thorns pointed outwards. And yet, the inside was smooth and soft. It molded to his head as if his head and the crown were one and the same, permanent, unmoveable. Ernie looked up at the crown and then down at his tentacles, flexing them, his mouth gaping as he concentrated. Just like that, his arms took on the orange colour of Logan's stylish, orange swim trunks.

"Quickly!" Ernie burst out, his insides vibrating with excitement. "The mighty magic mirror! I must behold my magnificence!"

Logan stared at him blankly.

Ernie hissed. "The sturgeon tricky mirror! From the collar!"

Logan smiled and then with a blink, the magic mirror plopped onto the sand. Picking it up, Logan held it so Ernie could see his reflection.

He…

He was…

He would rule them all! Cackling, Ernie jumped, preening, turning his head back and forth, his eyes alight with satisfaction. He was swelling with so much pleasure he felt as if he'd gorged on a lake full of tasty treats. There was nothing Ernie liked better than slaughter, but putting on stylish, fashion accessories and a whole new outfit via [Mimicry] had to be a close second.

Logan willed the magic mirror back inside of his collar and then ran his hand over his chin. "Although you look mighty, do you think that's the best use of the helm? It's called a helm for a reason. If you wear a crown, the middle of your head will be vulnerable."

Ernie wanted to blow him a raspberry, but… stinky fish guts! Logan might have a point. Ernie poked the top of his bare head with a tentacle, his mouth in a disappointed pout. "You think so? But it's so stylish."

"There's nothing saying you can't wear it that way when you're not in combat."

Ernie hummed. Although he loved being stylish, Ernie loved slaughter more. If the mighty helm could protect him from monsters like the queen serpent and the nasty rat man, it might come in handy. In addition, he could become impervious to things like rabid humpback whales and rotting sharks, allowing him to go after powerful prey! Prey that he could then turn into minions.

But what should the mighty helm look like? Although Ernie loved squishy human Logan, he didn't want to look like a human. An octopus was way more stylish, more flexible. After all, humans didn't have horns.

Puckering his lips, Ernie commanded the hat to transform from a thorny crown into a helm that molded to his head like a cap, the metal crawling over the sides of his face, with a strip that went down his forehead and between his two eyes. But not just that, oh no. Holding back a bounce, Ernie commanded the helm to form two wide horns on the top, curving upwards into sharp points, points so sharp they would stab anything on contact.

Ernie beamed. "What about this?"

Logan patted him on top of the helmet. "I think it's perfect. Oh hey, I have something else."

…something else? Logan was spoiling him! Ernie hadn't gotten him a present, now Ernie felt selfish!

"Back up a bit, will you? Closer to the shore."

Instead, Ernie waddled over to Logan's leg and then crawled up his body, perching onto his shoulder, his new metal helmet clanging against his exoskeleton.

"That works." Logan walked over to the edge of the beach and then paused, eyeing the bare sand in consideration. "That should be enough space."

With a plume of sand and exhaled gas and slurpy flesh, a monster materialized on the beach. An immense, immense monster! So big it rivaled rabid humpback whales. It looked like a sea serpent, long and sinewy, but covered in black fur slathered with blood. Protruding out of its long sides, it had hundreds of fuzzy, ratty legs.

"Do you think you can make this thing into a minion?"

Ernie scrambled over to the monster and clambered onto it, crawling up its side and onto the back of its round body. Logan had stored it inside his spatial collar, but even with that, it smelled like that stinky, stinky clam. Yucky.

That would soon be corrected! Ernie cackled, then pressed his tentacles against its hide, letting his diamond filaments leach into its cold, corpsey skin. He waited with bated breath, feeling so excited he could burst.

Nothing.

Hmm.

Ernie had created many minions, but never one this size. Would it take more filaments? Clambering down its body, close to what had to be its head if it had eyes and a mouth, Ernie strained and released a deluge of filaments, enough to transform twenty sturgeons at once. Each filament sunk into the corpse, travelling deep, spreading, activating.

Ding!

[Congratulations, Murderous Octopus! One new minion has been added to your minion army!]

Yes yes yes! Minions minions minions!

Underneath his tentacles, the wormy monster lurched, its hide rippling. Its black fur faded, turning white, a smell of frost replacing its reek of rot. Ernie jumped off its back and then scooted over to Logan, his tentacles on fire with satisfaction.

"…What's this?" said a voice.

The wormy monster could talk!

"Huh, it can talk again," said Logan.

Ernie scanned it with [Identify]:

[Undead Attacking Rattuspede. Level 223. Highly intelligent and loyal, the Undead Attacking Rattuspede commands beings to do its bidding through its overwhelming mental mind control powers, forcing them to stay frozen in place while it transforms them into undead minions of Rival All.]

[Highest stat: Wisdom. Characteristics: Loyalty. Hidden name: Samantha.]

Level 223! Level 223! Ernie felt like doing a savage, savage tentacle dance. Take that, queen serpent! You have thousands of minions, but I have a monster under my control!

The minion rose into the air, lifting itself up, displaying an underside full of mouths. Sniffing, it swayed back and forth like a snake under the spell of a snazzy snake charmer, before lowering the top of its body towards Ernie.

"I've woken from a dream. A nightmare full of despair has turned into a dream of longing. Master," it crooned.

Ernie felt a shiver break out underneath his new helm. He was mighty, he was stealthy, he ruled all, but he could admit to a bit of intimidation!

"Good minion. Good minion," said Ernie, waving a tentacle. "You have joined the mightiest army in the world! Go forth, wormy monster, and join your brethren!" Ernie pointed at the lake.

"I don't think this one is designed to breathe underwater, Ernie."

"Hah! Minions are undead. They don't breathe!" Silly human.

Logan scratched his head. "I suppose you have a point." He peered down the beach as the wormy monster trampled towards the shore, his face puzzled. "By the way, have you seen Tasha and Jack? I can't find them."

Ernie held back a gasp. Deflect! Deflect! "Tasha and Jack…? Yes, well, I—"

Logan's eyes narrowed. "What are you up to, buddy? You look kind of furtive, kind of sneaky."

Ernie gasped. Backpedal, backpedal! Nothing to see here! "Sneaky! Squishy human Logan should look at his own reflection for a definition of sneaky!"

"How so?"

Ernie pointed to his hair, the windswept strands. "You went on a flying adventure without me! Without me, Ernie! Are we not bonded companions? Do we not do everything together?"

"Hey, you're right. I know how much you like flying. I wasn't thinking."

Logan's gaze drifted to the tail of the wormy monster as it disappeared underwater.

Ernie's stomach sank. There was a tightness inside of his throat, a prickling sensation tingling around his suction cups. He was a manipulation monster! Logan had given him not one but two gifts, and how did Ernie repay him? By hiding and guilt tripping him!

He flailed on the beach, collapsing his body into a limp, deflated tentacle blob. Hiding his face, he buried it into the sand.

"Er, Ernie?"

"You'll never forgive me!" he wailed.

"Sure I will."

"I did a bad thing!" Ernie dug his face further into the beach, kicking up sand. "Ernie was sneaky! Ernie did an interpretation dance of Logan's words!"

"Oh for—" Logan lifted him by the helm and set him on top of his shoulder. "Whatever you did, it can't be that bad. Come on, just tell me. It's best to come clean when it comes to something like this. Trust me, I've had to do the same enough times with Lara. Holding it back just makes it worse."

Ernie gulped.

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