"Keep an eye out for the canopy above us, something might be up there. That happened once, fought a bunch of Giant Serpents in the trees. They saw with thermal vision so <Embers> was able to blind them, but we can't exactly count on that happening again." Teresa said as the party advanced. Something was tracking her. She was absolutely positive of it. It had only happened for a moment, and the thread responsible had vanished before she could grasp it. She didn't even catch a glimpse of it, she just felt it. Teresa didn't know if it was bright, dense, pulled taut, or what, she just knew something was tracking her and it came from the direction of the Contaminated Zone.

After the slime fiasco her <Monster Hunt> had reached level 1, maybe that gave her a sense for when monsters were going to attack her. Maybe something had just thought about attacking her and decided not to, maybe-

"Are you doing alright Teresa?" Sarah asked, interrupting her train of thought. What? What did that have to do with anything?

"Yeah I'm good, my resources are all topped off. I'm ready." Teresa answered, figuring that's what she meant. "You guys wouldn't happen to know how to track animals in the wild would you? Like footprints, broken twigs, I don't know, something along those lines? Shoot, maybe I can just use <Monster Hunt>."

She activated the skill and saw multiple threads going in various directions, but that was useless to her. If she tried to follow a thread that initially went off behind her, it might just loop around over a mile back in front of her or something. The threads themselves didn't give a sense of direction, it was only when something pulled on them that any real information about where they truly led was revealed.

"That's not what I'm talking about." Sarah responded.

"What do you mean?" Teresa asked. Oh, never mind she got it. "I'm all healed up, don't worry about it. It was mostly just cancer and some burns. It didn't hit my face at all thankfully, my eyebrows are both almost completely even again. I should probably get a haircut to balance that out though, huh? I can't grow hair with magic but I can make sure it's quick by keeping my hair follicles healthy. I think my Vitality is making it grow faster as well but I'm not sure how that works, only the short side has been growing ridiculously fast. That'd be something we can do for fun later, you guys know how to cut hair? Not a big fan of this hairstyle I won't lie."

"No Teresa, we're worried about you."

"Don't be, the only permanent damage I really suffered was one of my fingernails fell off. Can't grow those back magically either, but it should still be quick if my hair is anything to go off of. Just give it a day or two. I'm honestly more surprised it hasn't happened before, it's really not that bad though. My gloves cover it up anyways. Even before the Tutorial when I started kickboxing-"

"Fucking hell maybe we should have brought Preston." Sarah grumbled, exasperated. "I'll try to take a page out of his book. Teresa. We are extremely worried about your mental health. You've been through a lot of shit, we don't blame you, and we're not upset. It's fine if you're having nightmares now, honestly we have all been sleeping poorly after taking out those bandits, but it's about time we said something."

They were having nightmares about the bandits? Shit, Teresa hadn't considered that. She hadn't been the only one to have killed people that day, it was almost certainly a first for the rest of the party as well.

"You guys are having nightmares? I'm sorry to-"

"Lose the savior complex Teresa and stop acting oblivious." Jake interrupted, cutting her off. "You know what she's talking about, we're worried about you. The least you can do is take it seriously."

Shit. There were only so many ways she could dodge the subject.

"I'm… alright. But seriously though, something was tracking us, or at the very least tracking me." Teresa answered.

"We believe you, you literally have Karmic Magic based on monsters. We'd be idiots not to take that seriously." Jake continued. "We spent the better part of twenty, maybe thirty minutes up and ready for combat. If anything was nearby, it probably left by now. Maybe a monster just passed us nearby and it activated your skill."

"So what's all the fuss about?" Teresa asked.

"The issue is this has been long overdue, we've been worried dude. We didn't want to push it, but I think at this point it'd be shitty of us not to have this conversation with you." Jake told her. "Even ignoring the fact you woke up screaming in the middle of the night, there's been plenty of red flags. I can't remember the last time I saw you actually take a break. I thought you were gonna relax for a bit before we left, but then you wound up talking to Jonathan, and I know damn well that was anything but relaxing."

"Actually he approached me, I was absolutely trying to relax."

"Alright, but that's unbelievably rare, all things considered. I think of all the shit you've been through, and you have barely cracked under pressure once. I'd expect anyone to be exasperated by now, or to show at least something as a result of it all. You've gotten a little more violent, but otherwise nothing. Not a sigh, not a pause, you've just been soldiering on." Jake explained.

"So what? From the sound of it I'm doing just fine then."

"Maybe, that or you're just high functioning. Preston and I knew of a guy that went to our school, great guy. Had his shit together, always seemed happy, had a promising future, and then he shot himself. It was a whole thing, everybody was talking about how much they knew him, how he was one of their best friends, how nobody could have seen this coming, how this was going to affect them, blah blah blah. The school even held an assembly for him.

"Within a month nobody was talking about him anymore. Not the staff, not his 'best friends,' no one. I remember cause Preston and I agreed it was one of the most disgusting things we had ever seen. Turns out most of them had talked to the guy maybe once, and they were just trying to find a way to make this about them. His actual friends were the ones I felt bad for, they looked horrified. You could see it on their faces, they blamed themselves for not checking up on the guy more. He had his shit together, why would he do that? Nobody would ever find out why, the guy was dead, it was too late to ask him what was going on anymore. No note, nothing. I know damn well somebody can act like they're doing great when they most definitely are not, and I don't want to risk that with you. I don't know if it's a new thing with the System and the Tutorial, or if it's something that's been going on for a while, but I don't think you're doing as well as you say you are. We've been worried that confronting you about it would just make things worse, but at some point I think we realized the risks of saying nothing were worse than the risks of saying something."

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"I… don't know what to say." Teresa stammered. "I mean, I think I'm doing alright, I feel like I've definitely made progress in that regard but it's not like 'are you okay' is a yes or no question. Sometimes I'm totally fine, sometimes not so much. I don't know how to put it, but at least I don't want to die too often or anything."

"Too often?" Sarah asked. Teresa shrugged.

"You know, when you're like 'ah man, this sucks, I wouldn't mind dying,' but you're not going to actually do anything about it? It's just like if a car was about to hit you, you might take your time getting out of the way."

"No, not really. Teresa, that's suicidal."

"No it's not? I'm not trying to kill myself anymore, it's just sometimes the thought of something else getting the job done is kinda comforting from time to time." Jake and Sarah shared a look that Teresa didn't miss.

"That's passive ideation, at least that's what I think it's called." Jake said, worried. "It's still suicidal Teresa, that's really not great man."

"Have you ever tried therapy out?" Sarah asked. Teresa shook her head.

"I was actually planning on it once the Tutorial was over, but I don't really think a lot of therapists are making appointments right now."

The group paused for a few moments. Nobody was really sure what to say, what do you even say in these situations? Teresa sure as shit didn't know.

"Do you… want to talk about it?" Sarah continued.

"What am I supposed to talk about? Like actually, I don't know."

"Well maybe we start with why do you feel the way you do? Is there a reason for any of it?"

"I wish I knew man, first time I ever wanted to kill myself was in third grade but that doesn't really count now does it?"

"That definitely counts Teresa, you shouldn't minimize your own experiences."

"That's the thing, what experiences am I minimizing? It's not like I have some tragic, crybaby backstory or whatever. I'm sorry if you were expecting some huge, terrible reveal but there isn't anything that crazy. When I was younger everything started to just feel like shit, like why did any of it matter? Not in some nihilistic 'nothing matters' sense, but why should my life specifically matter? Whenever I did something good I felt nothing and when even just a minor inconvenience happened it bothered me for weeks. Year after year I just felt a little worse than the last, I thought 'it's not that bad, it could be worse,' over and over again until eventually I just came to the conclusion I didn't like living. Life sucked, and once I accepted that I felt like things made sense. I had no hope for my future, and even in my best case scenario I couldn't imagine myself happy. I tried what life had to offer and I didn't like it, it's only logical that I wouldn't stick around isn't it? What's so bad about that? It's not like I'm depressed or something, and life could totally be great under the right conditions. I just didn't think it was for me."

"Teresa, you are literally describing depression." Sarah said softly.

"I mean, is it really depression? I just didn't enjoy anything no matter what I did. I tried faking it until I made it, I tried diversifying what I did, it just never clicked. Throw in the fact I was never going to retire and was probably going to be stuck in the same cycle forever and I just didn't see the point. Now I honestly don't really like that mindset, not really because it was wrong or anything but because I just don't like the idea that I was willing to give up. So I'm fine, it's not like I'm gonna kill myself."

"Do you even know what depression is?"

"Like the general gist of it, something happens to you and then you feel sad all the time and have a hard time getting out of it."

"No Teresa, depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain. It's not like you're just sad for no reason, there's literally something going on in your head dude. People sometimes say mental illness is all in your head, but like where else would it be? I don't know the science, but your brain is probably just making the wrong stuff man. You wouldn't say someone is faking their arthritis just because you can't see it would you? Depression doesn't always need a cause, I think that's just a common misconception."

"Like the guy from my school." Jake added. "He had his shit together, he even had a promising future. Dude was smart, his life probably would have rocked. Maybe he had something happen I don't know about, but maybe not. Depression isn't about whether or not there's some experience that validates it, the terrifying part is there doesn't always need to be a reason for it. Maybe it's genetic, maybe something went wrong as a kid that you haven't processed, or maybe something major happened that completely altered your life. There's a lot of things that could be responsible for it dude, that's not something to feel guilty about."

"Well what am I supposed to do about it? It's not like I can just go 'oh that makes sense,' and turn it off. I'm just… tired. All the time. Not physically, but it's there. I'm hanging in there, I'm doing what I can, but what else can I do?" Teresa asked. Really, it's not like she could just control her emotions. Half the time, she knew it wasn't logical to feel sad in response to something. It didn't change anything, it just made it feel that much more invalidated. Then when something bad actually did happen, it was so much worse than it should be. Ever since the System came around, she had just kept busy and that helped with keeping it all under control. So long as someone else was counting on her, she couldn't die. What else was she supposed to do?

"I don't know." Jake admitted, surprising Teresa a bit. "I wish I did, I really do, but I have no clue. I'm not a psychologist, I can't pretend to have a full grasp of your situation, and I don't know how I would go about it either. All I can ask is this - if your life could go the way you wanted it to, if you could feel happy with your accomplishments, if you could have your emotions be properly regulated, if you didn't feel miserable and everything felt normal, would life be worth it?"

Teresa paused for a moment, taking a few seconds to think about it.

"What do you mean by normal? It's not like anyone could be happy all the time-"

"I mean your emotions don't go from one extreme to another, none of that hollow bullshit logic about how life isn't for you or whatever. Just things feel the way you think they should. Balanced. Would that make life worth it?" Jake reiterated.

"I guess."

"Then isn't it worth it to keep on trying no matter what it takes? I think you have the right mentality with the whole not giving up thing, but you should direct that at taking every step possible to improving your situation. I don't know what exactly you should do, I can't help you beyond just being a friend to talk to and being there whenever you need me, but someone out there far smarter and more qualified than me can probably help more. I think as soon as you get the chance, you should see someone professional about it. Give it a shot. I know that's not exactly possible right now, but one day it will be. Until then, we're here for you dude."

A few seconds of silence passed as Teresa took the time to process what was said. It was… weird. As far as she was concerned until now, she was faking it. Sometimes she was able to tell that was bullshit, that she was doing her damn best, but that wasn't always enough. It was entirely possible to know something for certain yet feel opposite to how you thought you should. Imposter syndrome and depression would make a deadly combo now that she thought about it.

"Thank you." Teresa whispered, not trusting herself to speak at full volume. She had been doing her best to keep the tears back, though she wasn't sure she could keep it up. Was it really even that valid? Jake and Sarah both seemed adamant that her emotions were valid, but it didn't stop her from feeling stupid about the whole thing. A lot of people went through some horrific shit, and only then they came out the other side depressed. Sometimes that didn't even happen, so why should she feel the way she did? It was pathetic, but despite that her friends didn't judge her for a second over it. Still, it was clear they had put a lot of heart into this conversation, she had to at least consider the possibility they were right. If she couldn't trust them, who could she trust? "I think I'm good for the night, I'm kind of tired."

"Alright, let's head back." Sarah agreed. They turned around and went back to where they had set up the tents, all of them glad they had this conversation. It didn't cover everything, but Teresa appreciated that they were so concerned for her. Once they were back, she laid down in her tent and closed her eyes ready to get some good sleep.

Nobody had the audacity to wake her up for guard duty.

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