<~> Chapter 136

I checked to make sure my blindfold was in place again before Luna and I left Celeste's tent hand in hand. Despite everything that happened, I felt hungry, so we decided to head over to where our friends were and get some dinner.

While walking through the camp, I picked up on people whispering about me. It didn't seem like many of them realized my hearing was good enough to listen in on their hushed voices. A lot of the chatter was about me being a shapeshifter or how the two of us "saved" Celeste from an arrow. The impression that I got was that even though most of the people trusted me less after I had been revealed, they assumed I had been secretly working for Celeste as some kind of bodyguard the entire time. A few of them talked about how I ripped some of the assassins apart with my teeth, but so far, none of them had mentioned that I ate some of them.

("Helena, are you okay?") Luna asked worriedly.

I jumped a little when Luna's voice went through my head. ("Sorry... I was eavesdropping on everyone's gossip.")

She squeezed my hand. ("Helena, don't listen to them. If what they're saying is bothering you this much, just tune them out for now. They'll get used to you again when nothing else happens to them.")

("That's not what's bothering me...") I replied with a sigh.

Luna shook her head. ("Your hands were shaking. I think it's bothering you.")

I squeezed her hand. ("It's not their whispering that's bothering me... I was thinking about how I ate those people again...") I lifted my left hand and watched as it shook in front of me. ("Even if everyone else thinks it was justified... It still feels wrong. They were also the first people I've killed. I just don't know how to feel about all of it.")

Luna let out a scratchy sigh to join mine. ("I'm sorry... I suppose I hadn't realized that. With all of the fighting we do, I sometimes forget that you hadn't been a delver before meeting us. It's not that delvers often have to kill other people, but we've been forced to defend ourselves inside a dungeon before. Like that time we ran into those people in the Fallow dungeon. I wish it were a less common story.")

A silence lingered between us as we continued to walk. After a moment, I squeezed her hand again. ("Luna, thanks for talking with me about it. Thanks for... sticking by me, I guess. I don't know... maybe I'm just being melodramatic, but my feelings about it are all confused.")

Luna turned to me with a sad smile. ("It would take a lot more than this for me to give up on you. I know you'll recover from this. Maybe... in a way, it's reassuring that something like this bothers you this much. It means you are truly still a person in there, even when others might see you as a monster.")

("Others? Do... you not see me as a monster when I'm like that? Shifted?") I couldn't stop my vulnerability from leaking into the question,

Luna giggled. ("I don't. I don't think I've thought of you as a monster since that night you saved us. You saved our lives and then you were always so gentle inside. You were caring and compassionate, and even now, you're in pain because you were forced to kill someone who came here with the intention to hurt us. I don't think you're a monster, Helena.")

I hesitated. ("But all of the monsters that I eat, the instincts...")

Luna stopped and turned to face me, but she still held my hand tightly in hers. ("Looking scary sometimes does not make you a monster. Having an odd diet does not make you a monster. Protecting me does not make you a monster. My father was a monster. He didn't need to turn into an umber hound to be that way. Helena, you are not a monster. You never have been. At most, you've been a gentle person forced to contend with strong instincts. That's not even an uncommon tale among beastkin. Actions make you a monster, not what you look like.")

("Actions like eating people?") I asked angrily.

("Helena.") Luna's sudden sharp tone frightened me.

I wilted at the look she gave me and turned away. ("Sorry...")

She sighed and pulled me into a hug. I didn't feel like I deserved the contact right now, but I didn't stop her. ("Helena, I love you. I know what you did hurt you, but you were doing it to protect me. Even the more gruesome things you've done were still in service of protecting me. If you think what you did was so repulsive, then make up for it by doing that training with Celeste and make sure it never happens again. But know that I would happily do far worse to protect you.")

("R-really?") I asked hesitantly.

("I would,") Luna replied staunchly.

I squeezed her and let out a shuddering breath. ("Alright... I suppose it doesn't help dwelling on it...")

Luna smiled and started pulling me along again. ("That's the spirit. Let's go get some food and rest for a while. I'm famished after the long day we've had.")

The two of us continued walking back to the group and found our friends sitting with Milana, Talia, and surprisingly, Alto. They were laughing, had drinks, and had a large plate of something set out on the table next to them. I sniffed the air and instantly recognized what it was. Alto had finally attempted to make crab cakes.

Piper waved to us. "Hey, you guys! You should try these, they're pretty good."

Luna and I sat down next to Iris and Milana, but before we could serve ourselves, Alto stood up and made a point to do the serving for us. He gave each of us one of the small golden brown discs along with a small salad that smelled like citrus. I took a bite of one of them and groaned. It was sooo good. This was the first food that satisfied both sides of myself. My human side was in heaven from the flavor and spices, while my umber hound side buzzed happily from the small amount of mana I received with each bite.

Piper laughed. "Look at her face, I think she likes it!"

I took another bite and groaned again. "Alto, this might be the best thing I've eaten in ages."

He laughed. "That's kind of you to say. I'm quite confident in my cooking, but it's always nice to hear someone enjoy my food so much."

"You know, for the longest time, Helena didn't even eat with us because she thought our rations tasted terrible. I think you can count that expression as high praise," Maxwell joked.

"Your rations were terrible," I replied flatly.

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That got a round of laughs out of everyone and I decided that I wanted to talk less and eat more, so I dug into another one. Now that I was eating, I realized just how hungry I was. Considering I had been dry heaving earlier, this really did wonders to fill my stomach. Most crab cakes I've had were probably deep-fried, but these ones were fluffy and a lot less greasy. Probably baked or broiled. The side salad was delicious as well and complemented the flavor of the crab cakes perfectly. I didn't know much about cooking really, but these could have been at home in a fancy restaurant. This guy's cooking was amazing.

I looked over at the large tray of crab cakes. "There's a lot here," I idly noted.

Alto nodded and looked down at them. "This whole tray used less than half a crab's worth of meat. It took some experimentation to find a good blend of ingredients. This one was my favorite. I used up the rest of the crab meat that I was experimenting with... but it ended up being a lot in the end."

Milana placed another of the crab cakes on her plate. "You should have seen Valkin and Norrik, they shoveled down like three of them before running off," she said while laughing.

"Those two eat like something is gonna steal it from them," Talia joked.

Iris leaned over and pushed a mug into my hands. I looked down at the mug of warm beer. Her ears flattened a little and she gave me a hesitant smile. "Piper slipped me a mug of beer to try while you weren't here. I had a sip... and it tastes pretty terrible. I decided not to have any more than that since you always tell me not to."

I smiled and patted her on the head. "Good girl. Don't let your naughty Aunt Piper pickle that brain." I turned to Piper. "What did we say about giving Iris alcohol?"

She laughed and shrugged. "I was just doing Iris a favor. If you kept telling her no without letting her try it, she would just get more intrigued. Better ward her off now with the taste than letting her become an alcoholic in the future."

I sighed and shook my head before turning back to Iris. "Did you get anything else to drink?"

Iris nodded and held up a separate mug that smelled like some kind of fruit juice. "Mr. Alto said that this will help with the mana exhaustion."

I frowned. "Did you have mana exhaustion?"

"Yeah... holding up that wind barrier for as long as I had was difficult, and I felt pretty sick by the end of the meeting. Luckily Mr. Alto gave me some of this to help ease the symptoms," she replied.

"I told you that you didn't need to call me Mr. Alto. Just Alto is fine. Even if you're young, you're still a delver. You don't need to show me too much deference," The catkin said with a gentle smile.

"Okay... Alto," Iris replied hesitantly.

We relaxed for a while and ate and drank until we were full. I drank Iris's mug of alcohol so it didn't go to waste, but I left it at that. My stomach seemed strong, but after the events of today, I wasn't eager to push things. I ate a lot of the crab cakes though, but since they couldn't be stored very well, it was probably for the best. After even I got full, Alto walked off with the rest of them to hand out to some of his crafting buddies.

Once he was gone, Talia gave me a serious look. "Nearly the entire camp is talking about you, you know?"

I sighed. "I know. There's not much I can do about it."

She nodded. "I've done my best to assure people that you can be trusted. I've only seen you try to save people and help people out before today... so I was a little surprised how brutal that fight was."

"Talia," Milana warned.

"It's alright," I replied. "It must have been a shock to see. They hit Luna, so I was... a little mad at the time."

Talia pursed her lips before nodding. "That's a good point. I'll spread the rumor that you reacted that way because they attacked your fiancé. That will be understandable for most of the beastkin."

"Not the humans and drakken?" I asked.

She shrugged. "Beastkin will have a better reference for it. For the others, you're already lumped in with us anyway. They already know how uh, violently protective beastkin can be."

"What if rumors spread about me not actually being a beastkin?" I asked.

Milana shook her head. "I already talked with Jol'ket's group about that. They agreed not to mention it. The crafters might say something, but they're less interested in getting on the delvers' bad side. Angry delvers are dangerous, and bad for their business, so they usually treat them with a lot of respect, like Alto did Iris earlier."

("Ask Talia why she's helping us,") Luna said.

I turned to Talia. "Luna wants to know why you're helping us."

Talia shrugged. "Do I need a reason to help you? I like you guys. You saved our friends, even when it put you in a tough spot, and you also helped me with the lightning shard thing. Besides, it's better for all of us if the soldiers and crafters aren't scared of any of us. You don't seem like the kind of person who enjoys mingling with a lot of people, so I thought I would help you out in the best way I can."

("Thank her for me... and tell her I'm sorry for being suspicious,") Luna told me.

I repeated the message for Talia and got a laugh in response.

"No problem!" She glanced at me. "If it helps, scary wolf women aren't really my type, so there's no reason to feel jealous."

I turned to look at Luna, who was blushing and looking away now.

"Were you being jealous?" I asked.

("Maybe a little... I'm inexperienced with relationships too...") Luna admitted.

I smiled and gently pulled Luna into a hug. "Thanks, Talia. Your help means a lot. You're right, I'm not really much of a people person."

Talia smiled. "Sure, anytime. Spreading rumors and listening to gossip is probably all I'm good for outside of a fight. But hey, at least that cook seems to be buddying up to you guys. If I hang out with all of you, I might get more of that great food."

We shared a laugh as the serious mood evaporated and we went right back to happily chatting about less serious topics. I still felt a bit guilty for what I did to those people earlier today... but relaxing with my friends after all of that was helping.

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