The backyard was terribly tiny. Wildflowers and weeds duked it out, and musty old lawn chairs lay buried under dirt and crusty t-shirts someone would still likely buy because it was 'vintage'. A broken plastic flamingo was shoved into a rusted grill, and Ron, the ceramic cigarette butt eater Monster , sat by the concrete stoop and gurgled ominously as he digested his never ending meal. It was like most downtown Toronto backyards. Which was crappy due to landlords not caring about much besides cashflow and interest arbitrage.

"Emilio? Are you going to introduce us to your…friends?" Alex asked as Mary and Beepy hovered next to him. Zippy was getting close ups of the prone Gnomes. Emilio licked his paw and waited for them to finish. As the group of three Gnomes rose from their synchronized bow, one of them stood taller than the rest. Not in height, mind you. He was a mere foot and change tall, but even Alex had to admit the Garden gnome had a presence.

"Alex, they're adorable!" Mary squealed and did a little dance. Beepy agreed as Zippy snapped photos.

"I," the Gnome said with a dramatic puff of his chest and a British accent, "am Petal Gravewhistle, Steward of Sun and Shade, First Protector of the Stormbearer, Devoted Guardian of the Glorious One Whose Paws Smell of Fresh Bread. It is an honour to make your acquaintance, Bringer of Slice and Companion of Girth."

He turned to Mary and lowered his head solemnly. "And you, radiant scholar of wires and war. I am humbled by your recognition of our aesthetic excellence." His eyes then sparkled actual glitter that shot out as he acknowledged the bots.

"And behold! Honored and Resilient Scraps of Life!" He swung his shovel up in the air. "Sir Beepy, Sir Zippy. May our legends precede us through the fungal networks as our claims grow upon Mother Earth." Beepy beeped twice bashfully. Zippy danced in a little circle and even did an airborne bow. Petal flipped in the air and extended his porcelain fist into the air. "Together, we stand in glory. May Sun and Shade bless this union."

Petal was a shirtless, slightly buff Garden Gnome. Deadlifts buff, not cardio buff. The kind of Gnome that was purchased as a joke from an aunt that travels too much to Florida and pinches young servers in exchange for tips. His tiny floral bathing suit was pulled over muscular thighs in place of the standard overall faire. He had no chips, no cracks, and his porcelain was pristine, glistening with pride, and covered in coconut oil. A perfectly round beach hat with a daisy sat atop a mop of sculpted blonde hair that never moved. In his right hand, he carried a rusted garden spade accented with gray ribbon. He held it with unnecessary flourish. The other two Gnomes were war-torn. They were chipped and cracked and had painted crude skulls on their cheeks with the ash of their enemies. One of them was clearly held together with super glue.

A small fire made of shoes and branches crackled behind them in a flowerpot, over which a little camp kettle simmered something that smelled like black licorice.

"Well, it's nice to meet you…Sir Petal. Just, uh…" He motioned to Emilio, who had rolled onto his back and stretched his sun exposed belly. "What exactly are you doing with Emilio?"

Petal swept his malformed spade to the side. Now that Alex had time to examine it, he could see the dried blood, and was that a chunk of caked on meat. "All shall be revealed, Bringer of Slice. The Great One speaks in whisker and wonder of Gaia, and in horror of encroachment. We merely heed the call–"

BWUUUUURGH

Ron, the cigarette butt pot Monster by the stoop, let out a gurgling belch that threw out ash from his cracked ceramic mouth that rained down in a slow, depressing arc. Everyone turned to the Monster. Alex didn't smoke, never had, but the many roommates in their shared house kept Ron well fed. Everyone stared at the pot that had interrupted. Then Emilio gave a little deep meow that cut the silence.

Petal immediately stood tall. "Interloper," the Gnome hissed. Then, he sprinted. It was wrong to watch a one-foot-tall shirtless Gnome move that fast. Petal Gravewhistle didn't just run. The Gnome launched his oiled body across the yard like a vengeful shot put with flexing muscles. He bounded off a patio chair, flipped over a grill lid, and landed squarely in front of Ron.

"You stain the breathe of Gaia with your tar-soaked emissions!" Ron gurgled and coughed up another puff of ash. Petal's eyes shot red glitter. "Oh? Is that so? Then let Glory speak through ACTION!"

The spade slashed through the air with a shwomp, and cut a clean chunk out of Ron's ceramic edge. Ash burst into the air as Petal whalloped the clearly slow Monster. "I have trained under the ancient Maples! Wept beneath the Willow of Woe!" Petal shouted, bringing his spade down and uppercutting Ron with the handle. "And I will not allow you to defile the sacred ground with your carcinogenic presence!"

"WHAT THE FUCK," Alex shouted at Emilio as Petal leapt again, did a sumersault, and struck Ron with an elbow drop, cracking another chunk off the Monster's clay base. Emilio just rolled around and enjoyed the sun.

"Go, Petal!" Mary clapped as Zippy watched from above. Mary was laughing so hard she used Beepy to brace herself. "He's like a lawn ornament of pure creatine!"

"Feel the wrath of THE SUN-KISSED-FORM!" Petal bellowed, somehow bouncing off the grill again. "Let the Shade shield those who walk with courage, and let those who watch bear witness to this VERDANT SMITING!" With a final heave, Petal hit Ron with a horizontal strike. Alex saw a flare of green light twisting like vines up the length of the garden spade. The damn Gnome was using a Skill, and left Alex with a hanging jaw. It appeared to be quite a powerful one.

Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

The glowing strike connected with earthly force. Ron didn't just wobble. He exploded into clay fragments and a mushroom cloud of ash that rained down. A rouge cigarette butt hit Alex on the cheek. Petal stood amid the wreckage, breathing hard, then struck a victorious pose with a flexed arm.

"Thus shall all interlopers fall."

Beepy beeped in awe and Zippy danced in circles around Mary's head. "I want one. I want one so bad, Alex. Can I have one, Emilio?" She was wheezing with excitement. Petal shinged his sword out, throwing a pile of wet ash onto the ground. Alex looked at Emilio, who appeared to be dozing belly-up.

"Emilio," he said, "what the hell have you gotten your–NO, US INTO?" His damn cat just ignored him and got more comfortable as the other Gnomes kneaded his fur with tiny hands in a dual massage. Petal lowered his shovel and stepped into the wreckage. With tiny hands, he plucked something from the ruin and held it up. It was a small, round, and extremely black Core.

"Aha," Petal whispered. "As told by the Second Leaf of the Summerbloom! It is intact." He turned and walked with glistening muscles in the morning sun, and knelt before Emilio. Reverently, he placed the Core in front of the dozing beast. "Your bounty, my liege. A token of war and soil unspoiled."

Emilio yawned and sat up. The cat regarded Alex and Mary with the lazy attitude of a creature who knew no shame or taxes. Then Emilio lifted his paw and a faint crackle of lightning washed over Petal's face. The other Gnome's "oooohed,"as Petal shivered.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?" Alex demanded, but they ignored him.

"Thank you, my liege," Petal said while standing straight. "I shall take sustenance now, and hold this core so that it may be used in ceremony." Petal tucked the core into his bathing suit, which a moment ago had definitely not been actual fabric.

"Did we just watch Emilio bless Petal with lightning?" Alex asked the howling Mary. "Tell me I didn't already cultivate the Cardinal Core. I'm not actually lying in bed right now, right?"

"Yep. Pretty sure that's what happened," Mary wheezed and wiped tears from her eyes. "Poor Ron, man. Don't smoke, but some of my…guests do. That dude's been eating butts for years." Alex opened his mouth to reply but passed as Emilio rolled to his side. The other two Gnomes scrambled in action to brush Petal's shoulders while the other ran to get a tiny wooden tray. On it sat granmother thimbles of black tea and a lone grilled mushroom impaled with a toothpick. Petal bowed as he accepted the tray, sipped the tea once, then walked back to Alex and Mary.

"Would the honoured guests care for tea?" he asked, presenting the tray with the sludge tea thimbles. "Harvested this one Moon Cycle ago. Steeped for three days. Blessed by Shade."

"You have tea? Ceremonies? Rituals?" Alex didn't even know where to start, but was getting the impression that this was much larger than he initially thought. At least Emilio had a protector Gnome who could kick some serious ass.

"Indeed," Petal said with pride. "Warriors must fortify their spirit. Emilio has communicated that you wish to cultivate a Carrot Cardinal Core this afternoon, and this will only aid," Petal pushed the tray forward. "Please, I insist."

Alex didn't want the tea. It looked…terrible. Mary didn't look like an eager beaver either. It looked like motor oil's cousin that had a child with a mushroom skid mark. He stared at the tray, then back at the Gnome. "You understand him? You know what Emilio is saying?"

Petal gave a noble sigh. "Alas, no. Not in words, or speech. For such things would betray the sacred GnOpal contract. But we feel his intention." He raised one hand to the sky. "And is that not more noble? More true?"

Mary was biting her nails as Beepy and Zippy watched the chat. "Is it weird I'm kinda buying into this?"

Alex pressed. "So my cat is safe, right? You're not going to hurt him?"

Petal placed the tray down and stepped forward. "He is ours to protect. He who walks to borders of storms. The Bringer of Balance. Where the Glorious One lays his tail, war will bring peace. And all who kneel in sun and shade shall rise under him. Yes, Alex. You are safe. Because he as chosen you." Alex's brain bluffered on the last part.

"What are you planning?" Mary asked as the other gnomes were furiously digging a hole next to their campfire. Petal didn't answer at first. He just looked out across the yard like it was a battlefield. Then he spoke.

"You will see. Time. Expansion. Growth. Gardens shall be ours. For Gaia and for Glory." With a bow, Petal turned and spoke over his shoulder. "I wish you well in your Cultivation, Second and Slice Giver. Please, join us at any time to attend Ceremony. We chant at dawn and sing at dusk. You know where to find us." Then the Garden Gnome went to chat quietly with the others.

Alex had a lot of questions, but it didn't seem like they would be answered. He turned to Emilio and called him over. "Come here. Pst pst pst pst. Come 'ere." The massive cat actually got up. Emilio walked over with slow steps and sat down infront of Alex. He looked up at his human and purred. Alex dropped down to one knee to look Emilio in the eye. "You be safe, buddy," he said softly. "I can't have anything happen to you, OK? You're not allowed to die. You're not allowed to ever die. Whatever the hell it is you're doing."

He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around the big cat. Emilio pressed back into the hug, and Alex felt his purr against his chest like the little engine that had always been there. Even when everything else fell apart. Emilio had brought him mice when he had been starving on the streets and unwilling to go back to the corrupt orphanages. Kept him warm under cardboard boxes during the brutal Toronto winters. And even killed Monsters for him when he was too weak and young to fight back. If this is what Emilio wanted, Alex could accept it. Because Emilio had chosen him as his person and accepted him. He loved his cat, and if he knew anything, it was that Emilio loved him too.

Beepy gave a high pitched awww. Alex stood and brushed off his pants and Mary didn't say anything snarky. He walked toward the kitchen door and let his cat enjoy his life. In the background, Petal Gravewhistle was making the other Gnomes do pushups.

"So," she called after him and the robots chased after him. "Uhh...Cultivation time?"

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