I dragged myself into the guild hall, immediately finding Rin by the reception area waiting for me. When she saw me she gave me a wince and a grimace that I mirrored. The pain I had just experienced on my way to the guild hall was only blunted by the smoldering fury I still felt within myself. It was just so frustrating! We did everything right, and still the city exploded, what was causing that anyway? I joined Rin and she exchanged a few words with the receptionist

The receptionist led us back to the familiar room within the depths of the guild and we once again found ourselves face to face with Alexis Everwood. We requested to speak with her alone again and she smiled the same, warm, smile she always did and I could almost feel Rin relaxing at the sight. I had to admit I was slightly jealous at the admiration the girl showed toward Alexis. I had noticed it while we were busy preparing for the invasion during the last try, but it made me feel a bit lonely to see their bond.

I briefly thought of Jia, hoping she was doing better than I was currently in the Celestial Rimewood sect. I had received some information about her from Situ Yin, but nothing more than that she was doing well.

Dwelling too much on thoughts of her just reminded me of what I had wrought. Jia's crumpled body in a crater in the arena walls. So much death and destruction around me. The mangled bodies of the mortals and low-ranking cultivators. So much-

"Astra! Rin shouted, louder than her normal talking voice, breaking me from my thoughts.

"It's not your fault." She said. Not my fault? I thought to myself, before a flash of anger possessed me before I could contextualize what she was saying.

"What do you know?! You've barely known me a few weeks. If it wasn't for me they all would have-" I snapped at her, only stopping when I saw the hurt look on her face. My stomach dropped. I re-thought about what she had said and realized she couldn't have been responding to what I was thinking.

"No… Rin, I…" I started but even though I tried to make the words come out, they wouldn't. Each time I went to speak, an invisible hand clenched around my throat. I couldn't move let alone breathe, but I needed to do something-say something, but I couldn't. I watched in impotent horror as Rin's hurt expression deepened before she eventually broke eye contact with me. That break in sight felt like it was going to break something within me.

It felt like a small, golden, thread had been spooling itself within me over the time I had spent with Rin, and now it was shaking violently, the outermost edges fraying before my eyes.

As quickly as I had messed everything up, a cold breeze flowed through the room chilling me, and my fraying thread, to the core.

Rin and I looked over to Alexis who was frowning at us. Her frown turned sympathetic when we saw our attention turned to her.

"Let's all take a deep breath, girls. I have a feeling there's been a misunderstanding, and something tells me neither of you are introspective enough to handle it without some help, no offense." She said, smiling sardonically and shrugging at the end. It stung a little bit, and I didn't think she was being fair. I was being introspective! I'd spent the majority of the last few months doing nothing but introspecting!

I relented and took a few deep breaths, focusing on calming down. After a minute of breathing, both Rin and I calmed down a bit. I tried to sneak a peek at her, but we both looked over at each other at the same time. I met her eyes and quickly looked away, a fresh flush of frustration and shame assaulting me.

"Right. So I think you two are having a small misunderstanding about… something. I'll admit I'm a little in the dark, though I understand you both have your own circumstances. From my position, Astra seems to have misunderstood what Rin said about it, whatever 'it' is, wasn't being fault. Is that safe to say, Astra?" She asked, looking at me. I nodded sheepishly. I heard a soft sigh from beside me and peeked over to see Rin with a somewhat relieved look on her face. The small golden thread within me stopped fraying then, the split sections slowly moving back toward the core of the cord.

"Now that we've somewhat resolved that part of the misunderstanding, I think we should start with Rin. It's clear that Astra now understands what you were talking about, but voicing your feelings is important so can you explain why you told Astra that?" She asked. Rin hesitated for a moment before bringing up a good point.

"That's fine, I don't mind it, but I think you're going to become very confused, very quickly if I do it without Astra explaining the context." She said to which Alexis quirked an eyebrow. That reminded me that we hadn't explained to Alexis yet what was going on which made me feel even more embarrassed.

"Truly? I'm curious as to what circumstances you two are embroiled in that would confuse me just by talking about it." She said, motioning for me to tell her what was going on.

I took a deep breath before jumping right into the story.

——

"And after we defeated all of the demons, we were just about to start celebrating when an all consuming explosion killed me. I then woke up on the same street again, and came here immediately with nothing else happening." I finished, embellishing that last bit a little to save myself a little embarrassment. Alexis was shocked, judging by the look on her face. Then her face turned pensive.

"That's…quite the story. I must admit I'm finding it quite difficult to believe you without some kind of proof. Since you convinced me before in your previous…'try' was it?, can you tell me what you said to convince me then?" She asked, not quite believing us, which was fair, but still curious. First I recited the phrase Alexis had told us during the first try where we convinced her. Hey eyes opened wide when she heard me recite it, but I didn't let her dwell on that before summoning Shimmer.

Upon seeing Shimmer, her eyes opened even wider, but then she seemed to realize something and relaxed.

"That…was quite convincing actually. I have no choice but to believe you girls, though the thoughts of being merely a memory and not eeally being alive is…somewhat unsettling. Though, now I believe I understand what Rin meant by what she said. While the imminent attack on the city is important for your ultimate goal, I believe you said you had unlimited chances at this trial, the pain that follows a death notwithstanding?" she asked, and I nodded. She mirrored the movement before continuing.

"Then I think it's most important to resolve this misunderstanding, for both of you. So, Rin, can you explain what you meant by what you said to Astra, and why you said it?" She asked, motioning to Rin to start. She nodded, closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and then started explaining.

"So I noticed Astra was looking a little upset earlier and I thought that maybe she felt that it was her fault we weren't able to save the city for some reason and I wanted to make sure she knew I didn't blame her or anything. But now I think something else was upsetting her…" She said, trailing off at the end. Now I was feeling even worse about snapping at her.

"Thank you for telling that to us Rin." Alexis said, smiling at her gently. Then she turned her eyes toward me.

"Now, Astra, before we move on, I don't think we should leave an open wound to fester. You don't need to explain why you snapped at Rin, but if you want to apologize, I think it would be a good idea to do so now." She said.

I knew she was right, but it was a tough pill to swallow. I took a deep breath and looked over to Rin.

"Rin, I'm really sorry. I…I wasn't thinking straight and misunderstood-" I started before Alexis cut me off.

"Astra. That isn't a proper apology. You're pushing the blame away from what you did and said and blaming it on something you feel you didn't have control over. You're basically saying that you had no choice but to hurt Rin's feelings." She said, drenching cold water over me.

"That wasn't-…I… I didn't mean to…" I stumbled.. Trying to scramble and find something to say. Alexis was looking at me and I could tell she thought less of me now. She raised her hands and made a calming motion with them.

"Astra, it's OK, just breathe. Your feelings aren't wrong, but if you want to grow, and to apologize properly, you need to think about what you need to say to Rin." She said.

I tried to calm down, took a few deep breaths and tried to think about what Alexis said.

Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings.

She said I was pushing the blame off of me and to something I don't have control over.

I guess, if I thought about it a bit, I was saying it wasn't my fault… but I guess it was my fault? I shouldn't have overreacted to what she said. But I only overreacted because I-No. I shook my head. I was just doing it again. I was starting to feel frustrated and clenched my hands in my lap. Alexis must have noticed because she grabbed my attention with a question.

"What's going through your head Astra? You don't have to think through this all on your own. I must admit, I struggled much like you have in the past. I…went through an awful time in my life and didn't know how to properly process my emotions either." She said, reminding me of the story of her past and her brother she had told Rin and I. For some reason, the reminder helped ground me and give me the push I needed. If Alexis could open herself up to us, then I should at least take the first step myself, even if every fiber of my being was rioting against the idea.

"I…I'm having trouble figuring out what to say. I know I shouldn't be making excuses, but I…It's just really hard… I really didn't mean to say what I said and snap at Rin. I know I need to apologize, and I want to! But…It's just hard to not try and explain why I snapped because…I really feel like it was just an awful coincidence... but I'm getting upset because… because… I guess I don't want it to be my fault...again." I said, my voice growing quiet at the end.

"Would it be so bad if it was your fault?" Alexis asked, not judging, not angry, just a gentle tone to her voice.

"Yes! Of course it would!" I said, raising my voice without realizing it. Then the wordy flood-waters

"Because when I make mistakes and it's my fault, people die. Everyone at the inter-continental sect competition, all of those Mertalians, Mom and Dad. They're all dead now and it's all my fault, and now if this is my fault too I..I…" I said, talking faster as I went. My breathing was coming quicker now, my heart pounding in my ears. A loud thumping bass-line to my tirade. My mind was racing, I didn't even know what I was saying by the end but I needed to say it. I needed them to understand, to see me for who I am, for what I do to people, for what I-

A chilling aura descended upon me, a thin rime coating my shoulders as the temperature in the room plummeted. As soon as I came to my senses, the frigid domain permeating every bit of space around me, rapidly withdrew into Alexis's body, a concerned look on her face. The rapid rising temperature within the room causing me to gasp due to the shock of the change.

"Astra, calm down." Alexis soothed me even as Rin moved closer to me and put a hand on my shoulder. Shimmer whined at me, two feet in my lap, pushing into my stomach with her snout. I absently pet her.

"Astra, it's clear you're burdened by a lot right now. It's also clear that these feelings are eating you alive. If you want to get better, and continue becoming stronger, you need to work through what you're feeling. You cannot let it consume you. Trust me." Alexis said. I tried to breathe in and stay calm but the immediate reaction to what she said wrenched itself from my lips.

"But what if I don't deserve to get better." I said, the sentence like a ghost in the air. Had I not been the one to speak it into existence, I might have thought I imagined it. The silence that followed weighed heavily upon me. Here's where they'd agree. They'd tell me I'd killed so many people, they'd tell me I deserved to suffer and doing things that would help me get better wouldn't make me suffer so I couldn't do them.

"Astra…" Rin said, pity in her voice. I felt bile rising up from my stomach. I didn't want anyone's pity. I didn't deserve anyone's pity. Before I could feel any more nausea, she continued talking.

"I lost my family when I was young. Our village was attacked and I was the only survivor due to sheer luck. I…I blamed myself for years, even while growing up in the Radiant Halo sect. Why did I survive when my parents and my brother all died? Why did I get to live when they didn't? I was hopelessly depressed, but I still trained and trained every day. Then one day, while on a mission, I was severely injured. I managed to kill the demonic beast that had wounded me, and I finally collapsed from my wounds, passing out and falling into the nearby stream. When I awoke, I was in a small cabin in the forest.

I had only survived because a man, out hunting for food, found me drifting along with the flow of the water and fished me out. He took me back to his home, a small cabin where he lived with his wife. They took care of me, nursing me back to health until I was well enough to move around. Then until I was well enough to make my way back to the sect. The warmth and care I felt from the couple tore at me every day. After all, they reminded me of what I had lost, and I had survived when my family hadn't. I was going to leave them that day but when the wife, missus Chen, hugged me and wished me safe travels. In that moment, all the grief I had been suppressing for years gushed out of me, and just like I had those few weeks ago I flowed along with the stream. I told them, more like dumped onto them, what had happened to my village, to my family. They listened, never interrupting, just letting me vent out what had happened. After I had finished, missus Chen told me she was sorry for my loss, a sentiment I had heard myriad times in the past. But her next words were what shook me to my core.

She told me that my parents would have been proud of who I had become and that they would have wanted me to live on, for their sakes.

My first instinct was to deny her words. I couldn't let myself believe what she was saying, after all, I didn't deserve it. So I told her they would be upset that I lived when they didn't, that they'd want to have lived instead of me.

I was still crying, frustration boiling up from with me, my deepest desires struggling, rebelling, against my own words. Missus Chen, a note of solemnity in her voice, told me that my parents would have done anything to keep me alive. I didn't want to accept it and in my fear, and insecurity, I asked her how she would know how they'd feel. It seems silly to have asked that now, I had been ignoring the signs my entire stay there. She wringed her hands in her lap, the new folds of her apron bunching up between her straining fingers.

'A parent would always give up their life for their child's…if they could' she said. Seeming to deflate at her own words.

Something nibbled at me in the moment, the urge to look around the room. Things I had seen but not noticed becoming as beacons in the darkness of the small cabin. The set of too small shoes by the door, not a speck of dirt on them. The bed I recovered on, slightly too small for me. The felt ear of a stuffed animal sticking out from the top of a box laying under the bed. The table I had eaten with the couple at for my time with them and its three chairs I had never even thought twice about.

I felt sick. I couldn't even look up when I finally realized what I had missed. I cried again, and this time, missus Chen cried with me. I finally understood, and accepted what I had known all along but refused to believe. Just like missus Chen had said, my parents would have given anything for me to survive and live on. I owed it to them for the years of love they gave me to keep living on, and stop blaming myself.

It didn't happen immediately, of course. I took plenty of time but, eventually, I came to terms with my emotions and now, instead of feeling bad for being the only one to survive, I feel grateful I did. Now my parents, and brother, will be able to live on in my memory."

After she finished her story, a heavy weight hung over the room, a blanket made of pure dourness covering us all, but not the same oppressive weight as before. Rin's story didn't match my own, not even close, but something about her story pulled at my heart. An inexorable force tapping me for the truths I didn't want to bring out, for fear of my further unraveling.

The invisible wall I had constructed inside myself broke, the thin golden thread within me redoubling in size even as I started talking.

I told them about everything. About Mom and Dad, about the Mertalians, and then about the inter-continental section competition and Azoreth of Flames. And just like mister and missus Chen did for Rin, they listened. By the time I had finished, and the bouts of tears had dried out, Rin was hugging me, the tender warmth I felt from the girl growing as she plied her element, like the warmth of a crackling hearth just a short distance away.

During our combined crying, Shimmer continued trying to console me, and, to my surprise, Rin. She did her best to weas- err fox her way in between us, maximizing the contact between us and her prodigious fluff.

"Thank you for being strong and telling your stories, both of you." Alexis said, a heartfelt smile upon her face as she looked at both Rin and I.

"Rin, you've listened to Astra's story, do you have anything you want to tell her?"

Rin thought for a few seconds, the tension in the room seeping into my chest and pushing on my heart on all sides.

"Astra, I'm sorry that all happened to you. I…I think I understand a little about why you said what you said. I know it's going to be hard to believe for you, based on our conversation today, but there's no way your parents would want you to think it's your fault that they died. Just like how my parents wouldn't be angry that I survived the attack by the bandits. Just like missus Chen told me, I'll tell you. Your parents would definitely want you to keep living and be happy, even if they can't see that happiness for themselves anymore." She said, and I realized I was wrong. I did have more tears within me.

After I calmed down again, roused from my sobbing by Shimmer licking the salty residue from me cheeks, the scratchy feeling of her tongue actually improving my mood somewhat.

"Shimmer stoooop." I whined, only putting up a mock resistance, and smiling despite myself. This only encouraged the intelligent little fox to keep up her antics, and soon enough I was hugging her close to me chest feeling a bit better now that I had cried so much.

I knew it was going to take some time to truly accept it, but I was going to take the leap and try to believe Rin's words. With a new clarity I hadn't had in months, I realized what Alexis had meant and I turned to Rin.

"Rin… I'm sorry for what I said. I shouldn't have snapped at you, even if I was upset about something else. I know I can't make up for what I said, but I'm going to try to be more mindful in the future and work on healing myself so I don't lash out again. I hope you can forgive me for everything I said." I told her, doing my best to keep looking into her eyes, but I couldn't help but avert my eyes by the end.

The moment after I finished speaking, I once again felt the warm embrace of the older girl wrap around me.

"I know it will be hard, and a long journey to heal, but at least you won't have to do it alone, not if I can help it.." Rin said and my heart tightened again, but in a good way this time. That previously whispy golden thread within me now shone with a warming light.

Then I thought of Jia, and another thread appeared within my mind's eye. I could feel it, the taut tension nearly vibrating within me. The golden thread was barely visible beneath a forming layer of ice which worried me. I needed to go see her after the trial finished, which reminded me of what we needed to do next. I turned to Alexis, a plan forming in my head.

"Alexis, can you help us sneak into the city lord's manor during the invasion?"

If you find any errors ( broken links, non-standard content, etc.. ), Please let us know < report chapter > so we can fix it as soon as possible.