Mara's incredible tenacity prevented her from stuttering or losing her calm, But she still paused several times. Choosing her words carefully. It was one of the many things I actually admired about her.

"So long as you're not dead… You might as well try your hardest… I know you're tired, but you have to…"

"To get stronger, right…" 'It's pretty clear that plan isn't working out so well… Sure I'm not sickly anymore, but the rate of improvement is too low.'

I glared at the greatsword, now racked on the wall. "You need me to get stronger so that our noble status isn't taken away, but it makes no difference to me if that happens or not. Honestly, I'd probably prefer it that way…"

Without realizing it I had been speaking out loud. Letting my thoughts out carelessly as I lost control of my tongue. I yelped, covering my mouth with my hands as I looked over to her

"Siya…" her eyes almost began to glow and her tone changed, becoming deadly serious. "I will continue doing my best as your instructor. But if you cannot at least pass the most basic entrance tests by the time we enroll your sister… You will die."

"Right…" 'Maybe I'm more emotional than I thought. Of course… She knows as well as I do that at this point punishing me would only make the issue worse… I mean, either I want to live or I don't. Punishing me won't change that. I sighed again, trying to release the tension as it just kept coming back and building itself higher. 'One thing's for sure.' "If I die… you know I'm totally coming back to haunt you right?"

She rolled her eyes and smirked, her serious tone vanishing. "You really are an evil child, you'd make the woman that gave you life kill you twice?"

'Even now she won't call herself my mother…' "It's not bad right… You'd have a net positive Kill ratio…" I muttered.

"What?"

'She said it so casually too, that she'd actually kill me more than once…' I sighed, shaking my head with a solemn smile. "Nah, you can have Father kill me the second time. It's probably his responsibility or whatever anyway. Of course, he couldn't do it the first time, so it'll still be your job the first time. And when I'm just a vengeful spirit, then he can kill me."

Maybe it was because she was a knight and an adventurer before she had children, but she enjoyed dark humor. When I saw her smile it filled me with relief that she wasn't angry. On the other hand, I could feel a deep pit in my stomach, and I couldn't help but lower my gaze ever so slightly. I couldn't explain how I felt in that moment, just that… Something was wrong.

"Just keep trying, please… I'd hate to have wasted so much time on you." All the anger inside of her had left, at least, I thought it had. She had always been so hard to read I couldn't be sure. "Instead of drills and sparring, go to the river and back. Bring me a bucket of water as proof. There will be some food ready when you get back. You WILL eat all of it this time."

'So I don't get to go inside then… Sure she only hits me while we are both holding swords, but this is still abuse right?' Taking a deep breath in through my mouth I slowly pinched my nose moving my face around to break apart the dried blood blocking my breath. "River and back right?" I asked, confirming.

She just nodded.

'So no time limit and I don't have to run… Which means if I'm slow I won't have to do it again… Is she going easy on me because of all that stuff I said? No… She wouldn't… Maybe it's because of my nose bleed?' "Do I really have to carry a bucket?"

"Are you going to cheat?"

I sighed with an underlying growl. "Obviously…"

"Then yes…"

"O-obviously not I meant…"

She smirked, shaking her head. "You should get going." She said softly, as she walked towards the house. "Oh, and when you come back you should go and find Catherine and have her treat your hands so they recover quickly."

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I slowly walked over to the shed and picked up a small wooden pale, stepping out and staring at the well. 'How can she tell the difference… The well water tastes the same to me… I should probably just be grateful I've found ways to get out of it so many times… But that's also why she added all these restrictions…'

I stretched out my legs and started walking, shuddering as the chilled wind picked up. 'It hasn't started snowing yet at least… Not enough to pile up and stick anyway… But that almost makes it better sense than I'd get to wear warmer clothes… And shoes… And it's less wet… Which actually probably makes it relatively warmer because of the wind…' I groaned the moment my bare feet touched the squishing mud just past the cobblestone courtyard filling between my toes and making my neck twitch to the side.

Everything in life had to be earned through physical strength, that was the law. Because of that, my only possessions were the thin sackcloth shirt that didn't even cover my stomach, and a similar pair of pants that hardly even reached my knees, held up by a single thick string of roughspun twine.

The only thing that mattered was strength, and the longer I lived, the more apparent that became. My siblings, even my younger sister, all had custom clothes made from fine materials. They had beds, and blankets, and were even allowed to buy almost anything they wanted. I wasn't even allowed to go to the city. So, you know, forget about shopping. 'Such is life though… Someone has to get the short end of the stick…'

"I don't want to…" I whined to myself before I walked to the castle's main gate and cold water began to drip from the sky. I jumped over and around any puddles, and tried to stay away from as much water as I could… Not that it mattered…

I focussed completely on avoiding the gross mud, so much so I didn't even notice when I actually arrived at the gate itself and almost ran right into one of the guards, stopping just short as his feet came into view.

"Siya… You're going out?"

"Hm?" I slowly lifted my eyes finally bringing them into focus again. His kind face became clear as I stared at him, too tired to have any sort of expression of my own. "Yeah, that's right."

He chuckled nervously as his posture slumped over, bending slightly to get closer to my height. "It's just that…"

'Oh, he must be worried…' I looked up at the sky again, 'Makes sense…' A raindrop suddenly hit me in the face, making me scrunch up my eyes and shake my head like a cat. "I've got to go get some water from the river, can you open the gate for me?"

"You're on orders from Mara right?"

I nodded, my brain still numb. The fact that I was going to get through it and survive made me feel tough though, and I actually kind of liked that. It seemed ironic, but I had to focus on that feeling, if I could do that I knew I would be fine. "Head through the monster-infested plains to the river in the middle of a thunderstorm in late fall." I let out an exaggerated sigh with a smile as I shook my head. "What could go wrong…"

"Young miss…" the other guard said, his face matching that of the first. "You know how to deal with any Bitterweeds that show up right… It's starting to rain so more might surface while you're out there."

'You just squish them right?' I looked down at my bare feet. "Well…"

"Yeah, guess I wouldn't be too hasty to stomp one without my boots on either…"

'Aren't they more of a nuisance to gardeners, rather than a real threat? They have nasty bites though… And can sometimes pop up right under you. If I end up having to walk a couple of miles through mud with an open wound that wouldn't be good. Well… Nothing's managed to kill me yet, so I'm sure I'll live.' "Guess I'll just avoid them then…"

They opened the gate and Jerry, the first guard that spoke, walked out with me. "Pst… Siya." he crouched just around the corner. "It's far too cold out here to walk that far, and I don't like the look of those clouds… I know you have to go so I won't stop you, but take this…" He swung his cloak off and wrapped it around my shoulders, tightening it snugly around my neck. "It isn't all that much, but at least it's something. Oh, and I'll be here when you get back so you should be able to hand it back to me without anyone knowing."

"But wouldn't people notice?" 'I mean… It's nice and all, but probably not worth it… He'd be fine, but I'd get in trouble for accepting it…'

He stood up and raised a finger to his mouth, "I'll just say Efah and Elsie are patching it up." He paused for a long while before patting me on the shoulder. "Whatever you do, don't give up yet. You've made it this far haven't you?"

'I guess I joke about it so much people are starting to worry…' I couldn't help but smile wryly. "Don't worry, even if I wanted to kill myself I'm probably too weak to do even that right."

I wasn't sure if it was my blunt response or something else, but he gave out a small heartfelt laugh as he saw me off before turning back, their words trailing off as I walked into the distance.

"Poor girl…"

"I agree to an extent… But she – getting –"

"-- when I think of my little Effah – go through –"

'I wonder if… would he still have done that if he didn't have kids? If I was a boy it's also likely he wouldn't have helped. Hm…. Am I lucky after all?' I chuckled to myself at just how ridiculous that thought seemed as the cold wind scraped against my skin and I looked to the storm clouds on the horizon.

The rain lightly drizzled, but I knew that it wouldn't be long before it began to pour. 'My body aches… My hair feels like ice… I want to go home… Home? Where is that though? Surely not that castle. No, I want to go back to my old life.'

It had been years since I thought about it. My peaceful life. 'I used to hate the cold so much that I would make my parents heat the house up every morning before I would even leave my bed. I would sleep with 4, sometimes 5 blankets in the winter. My mom would always give me a warm cup of milk every morning too as a bribe to get me out from under the covers. Mom…'

As thoughts of my past ran through my mind I couldn't help but begin to sniffle, although I couldn't tell if it was from the weather or from me missing home. My eyes began to water as well, but again I told myself it was just the harsh wind agitating them, rather than tears. 'I wonder if I'll ever find a place like that again…'

When I walked over the final hill and the river came into sight. I almost collapsed. 'I could run back… The storm looks like it's getting worse. If I run I might be able to beat the worst of it. My muscles would warm me up some too, and I might even avoid frostbite. I'm pretty fast compared to my last life.''

Lightning snapped in my ear striking the river less than a mile away, but I didn't so much as flinch, almost thinking that it would have been nice if it just hit me instead. 'That's what Mara wants though, isn't it… I'm already doing everything she tells me like a well-trained dog at this point… It might be childish, but I won't run… If I do get frostbite maybe she'll even let me take a day off… Well. But me saying that is basically just me hurting myself right? Which is… I don't even care anymore… I'll make it back eventually, one way or another… I'm just so tired…'

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