No, no, no, NO! My legs gave out as I stared at my form in the mirror with terror in my heart.

"It can't be…" I murmured as my breaths starting coming heavy and ragged, my mind reeling inwards. "How am I a guy again?"

I touched my face, still staring at the mirror trying to confirm if this was really real or of it was some kind of sick joke, still desperately struggling to breathe.

"Status…" I murmured, though my eyes dreaded to see what might appear there.

[Name: Silvie]

[Race: Night Mistress (Crimson Wraith Stage 1)]

[Sex: M] [Age: 17 (Current form: 17)]

[Lvl. 1]

[HP: 1820/1820] [MP: 2310/2310] [SP: 1650/1650]

[Magic: Dark Magic (1), Corruption Magic (2), Evernight Magic (2), Creation Magic (1), Mind Magic (2), Soul Magic (1), Ice Magic (2), Wind Magic (3), Shadow Magic (1), Blood Magic (1) Spatial Magic (1)]

[Abilities: Spirit Sight lvl. 4, Acrobatics lvl. 2, Improved Processing Speed lvl. 2, Undead Bones lvl. 1, Fog Step lvl. 2]

[Martial Techniques: Dark Slash lvl. 7, Crimson Pierce lvl. 1]

[Resistances: Cold Resistance lvl. 4, Mental Resistance lvl. 9, Pain Resistance lvl. 2, Fire Resistance lvl. 0, Dark Resistance lvl. 7, Shadow Resistance lvl. 5, Blood Resistance lvl. 4]

[Titles: Undead, Blessed of Melphinoe, Dragon-Slayer, Infused Knowledge, Survivor of Arthuss, the Immortal Storm, Crimson Wraith Blood]

[Active Status Effects: Time Reversal, Unstable Emotions]

It had been a long time since I'd pulled out my status screen, and in any other situation I might have fixated on how little had changed, or how despite coming into my Crimson Wraith powers I hadn't developed them at all, except for making some slight progress in not turning into mist randomly, but at the present all I could see was the glaring 'M' in the line for sex.

"Wh-wh-wh-what am-m I supposed to do…?" I stared down emptily at my hands, which were larger and rougher than what I was used to seeing. The sense of betrayal I felt from my own body was astounding, like all of my cells had suddenly turned against me, and I couldn't feel at ease even in my own skin.

"Have I really come this far…?" This body wasn't exactly unfamiliar to me. After all for seventeen years it had been my body. Who I was before the transmigration, before the death and resurrection in the Goddess' dungeon. Any ordinary person might expect me to be delighted, but all I could feel was despair and a restless and uncomfortable sense of anxiety.

It felt like my whole body itched, and all I wanted to do was molt like a snake and crawl out of my own skin, but I knew that wasn't exactly an option at the moment.

"Ok, c-calm down, think. It said this only lasts for a couple hours, right? I'm still a Night Mistress on my status, so after the status effect is done, everything should go back to normal…should." I hated the sight of my hands, and the sight of myself in the mirror even more, so I slowly and somewhat numbly moved away from the mirror, burying my face in the bed, so I could try to stop thinking about what was happening in my body.

"Silvie?" A knock came at the door, and I heard Rivi's voice coming from the other side. "Are you up, we wanted to go check out the town this morning, right?"

Oh no, oh god no! I dove under the covers hurriedly hiding myself. Oh god my voice has changed now too, how am I possibly going to cover for this? Wait! Telepathy! Yes, telepathy still works, let's try that.

I opened up the system's chat interface quickly and opened a chat with Rivi.

[Silvie: hey, sorry, I'm not feeling too great right now, and my voice is shot. Gimme a few hours to just sleep and rest and we can prolly still hang out a bit in the afternoon.]

"Silvie!?" Rivi's voice rose in pitch. "It's ok if you want to skip out and rest up, but at least let me come in and check on you." The door knob, which I had thankfully locked rattled as Rivi tried to come in, but she definitely would have the key or even be able to unlock it without one so I started panicking.

[Silvie: No! No! Please, don't come in!]

The rattling stopped, and Rivi's voice came, this time more gentle. "If it's something you're embarrassed about that's ok, I don't want to force you, but I do need to make sure you're ok."

[Silvie:....]

[Silvie: I…just need a few hours…]

A loud sigh came from the other side of the door. "I don't know what's going on, and I don't want to intrude on your boundaries, but, Silvie, it hurts knowing something's going on with you and I can't be there to help. Do you want Sera to come? Or an undead construct? If it's something that me being there would make harder we can bring someone else."

I curled my fingers tightly around the sheets underneath me. What do I want? Obviously to get over this, and never have to be this way again. Well, maybe that wasn't exactly obvious… I still hadn't gotten over how violent my reaction was towards becoming a guy again, but it was becoming clearer to me that every fiber of my being hated it, and wanted it to go away as soon as possible.

And I don't want her to see me like this, but…why exactly? I felt ashamed and embarrassed, certainly, but it wasn't exactly my fault, and it wasn't like she hadn't known about me before I resurrected and turned into a girl. In fact…I remembered back to when I had asked Rivi what her goal was in saving me, and she said it was because she thought I was cute.

Did she really feel that way, even back then? Would it really be alright if she saw me like this again? Back when she said that to me I was too overwhelmed by her telling me I had always been a girl. It didn't feel like it could possibly have been true. After all I had lived as a guy for seventeen years right?

The time I had spent with Rivi up to that point felt like a fluke, like a dream that was playing out after my death—two separate worlds, two separate lives, and it felt like what she said totally invalidated the life I had lived before. But if what she said was true…maybe what I got upset about wasn't about the difference between who I am now and who I used to be, but rather who I am now and who I was pretending to be then, how it felt like all the work I had put into being the 'good son' that my father wanted was suddenly now worthless.

In the end she had been the one who'd seen that—something about me that I didn't even know myself. She had been the one who saved me, who resurrected me, who took care of me. And here I was now locking her out.

She's already seen me at my worst…I took a long, steadying breath, then pushed aside the covers. It doesn't make sense to lock her out now.

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