Reality sneezed violently as Alex jumped into the Portal. His limbs stretched like playdough as his body changed into a kaleidoscope of colours. There were two warring clouds of glitter? Nope. Those were swarms of butterflies that were duking it out and screaming in bad movie quotes. He whizzed by little green men wearing togas on drifting clouds and tried to say something in the inbetween space but his voice came out sounding like a recorder. Then he saw the strange Black Stone. It didn't have a mouth, or hands, but he could feel the pressure behind his eyeballs as he swore the thing watched him like a creepy neighbour. His body retracted and he slammed back into the real world.

What in the hell is that thing? It's always there now.

Boots on the soaked grass and pizza gripped in one hand. The magical rain hit him like paintballs and he blinked through the rainstorm. He was in the narrow median between two screaming highways. Some cars floated, some had tank wheels, and all went way to fast. He looked for his customer and saw there was only one direction to go if he didn't want to get pasted.

He sprinted forward and flames burst beneath his feet as [Blazing Hot] and [Running] kicked in. Up ahead through the torrent of rain, a little waving fuzzy hand emerged from the ground. Then the entire customer came into view. Don Badger of the Gardiner was in fact a badger that lived in between the highway roads on the Don Valley Parkway. He appeared to be a round and dapper creature in a pinstripe vest with a little glass spectacle.

As Alex got close, the Badger grinned and pulled out a tiny tommy gun from behind his back. Alex panicked but Don burst into raspy laughter. "This is my area!" the badger yelled at Alex for some reason, "tell them damn Gnomes to stay out of the Don Valley! It's my turf. No one runs Relics and Cores around here unless it's me!" Alex examined the talking creature and decided not to ask where he had received the Title.

[Don Badger of the Gardiner - Cute Little Furball]

[CREDITS: 352 -> 402]

Don yanked the pizza from Alex and paid him. "Finally," Don muttered as he reached into a pocket for Alex's tip. "You're alright kid. Not afraid of old Donny, are ya?"

"Not afraid, just here to deliver the freshest pies."

A shiny sphere was plinked into Alex's hand. "Cultivate that," Don Badger winked. "Carrot Cardinal Monster Core, still warm, heh! You might end up as good lookin' as me." Then the badger was scampering off back into his den. Alex pocketed the Core and sprinted back to the Portal while being hammered by the tenderizer rain. He barely felt it. Nina's Espresso Buff was doing work. With light limbs that streamed flames and so much energy he could barely contain it, Alex leapt into the Portal howling. Lightning flashed and lit the domain of Don Badger of the Gardiner as the gentlemanly furball devoured the pizza in his dirt home stuffed to the gills with kilos of contraband.

One delivery down. Monster Core acquired. Cue the delivery montage.

His next delivery landed him on the wet sand of Cherry Beach just in time to see a dozen half naked cultists bowing down to Lake Ontario. They chanted in a Gregorian style about 'carcinization and crayfish,' as one particularly crablike man approached him. Alex wasn't thanked, but the crabman did chuck him a crayfish shell the size of a steering wheel. It felt still alive to the touch. He didn't ask what it did.

Alex reappeared outside a smoky patio on the edge of a building on Eglinton Avenue. He jogged up and around and knocked politely. A cluster of Jamaican moms sat around a folding table smoking cigarettes and slamming dominoes down. The woman at the head of the table, clearly the head auntie in charge, beckoned him over. She was plump, her hair styled in bantu knots dripping with purple gems. He handed off two lasagna trays and a pizza. The auntie patted him on the cheek and told him to "keep Nina safe,". She handed him a purple-stoned ring and he sped off.

He sped through different parts of the city, the espresso and lasagna keeping him energized. His pockets were getting heavier and his Buffs were still running. On the next drop, Nino handed him an uncooked lasagna. The meat and noodles were unmistakably raw. "Be careful, this one," Nino warned as Alex yoinked it and dove through the Portal once again.

The Portal then dropped Alex in front of a crumbling house in the Annex where the rain felt colder. A small woman hobbled toward him on gauze wrapped legs and a shawl draped over her face. Her broken mouth wheezed out, "Thank you." as she paid him. His [Garlic Aura] from the buff flared up as the [Bite] resistence activated. Alex went wide-eyed but held the smile of a model employee as he handed over the raw but perfectly spiced food. Moments later, he felt the little ping of a Credit tip. She vanished back into the house and crashed the door shut. The windchime made of teeth did sing sweetly as Alex looked around for a second. "Huh," he said and leapt back through. The tip was nice, but the whole situation gave him the heebie-jeebies.

The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

On and on the deliveries went, and the Lasagna Buff protected him from the rain and exhaustion, an extremely unpleasant earth elemental chihuahua, and two separate weird old guys. A few hours into his shift, day had turned to night, and he dumped the contents of his loot into his locker before he grabbed a lasagna for the next delivery. When he saw the next customer up, he had to admit he was a bit happy to see a familiar name. He gave Nina a thumbs up and took off.

The portal dumped Alex into the heart of the Botanical Gardens, right into a lightning storm that tried but couldn't kill everything beautiful. Rain lashed down and lightning struck in bursts of white. But in the center of the Garden? Hundreds of Garden Gnomes with their war paint danced in a perfect circle, untouched by the downpour. They chanted in unison in high pitched British accents.

"GNOME GOD. HAIL THE GOD OF GNOMES. RIGHTFUL HEIR OF ALL SUN AND SHADE."

In the center of the madness, where not a single drop of rain dared to fall, sat Emilio tall and proud. Rather, Alex's cat appeared to be floating. The fat cat's eyes were glowing and his fur rippled like storm clouds dense with vapour. His tail flicked like a whip of static. He levitated on a mossy pedestal as he looked down at the hundreds of Garden Gnomes.

"Holy shit." Alex just gawked at Emilio.

A plump Gnome walked up to Alex and paid him while jumping up and grabbing the pizza and lasagna tray to then place it gently on the ground. The Gnome had a hole where his eye should have been and prodded inside before plucking a giant pink Dingleberry out and placing it into Alex's hand. Alex could barely process what was happening and all he could say was "Emilio?..." with a cracking voice.

Emilio turned. Emilio waved. Emilio met Alex's eye and winked at him.

"What?!" Alex yelled over the chanting. "You-you can understand me!?"

I knew he could understand me! Damn cat was always too smart for his own good. How the hell did he even get here? This is like 10 kilometers from home.

Emilio seemed to smile a little dangerously, turned back to the Gnomes, and glowed. The cat glowed brighter and brighter and static energy seemed to be pulled from the Gnome's feet and Alex's shoes. Then lightning ripped from the clouds and struck Emilio on top of his furry head, flaring him up like a beacon of Gnomish holy light. The gnomes screamed louder and danced harder.

"SUN AND SHADE! SUN AND SHADE! ALL THINGS ARE OURS UNDER THE SUN AND SHADE."

Emilio just glowed and gave Alex a damn shrug. As if to say "What can you do?". Alex just stared open mouthed and dripping rain while holding a blueberry the size of a tennis ball.

"I'm going to talk to you later, young man." He said to the eyeless Gnome before remembering the message from before. "By the way, Don Badger–"

"Yeah, yeah. That old fart doesn't even know what's coming his way. His turf? That'll be our turf! Eat that Dingleberry before it goes bad," Then the Gnome ran off to join his brethren and called over his shoulder. "Tell Nina thanks for the extra cheese! And thanks, Lord of Slice! You'll always be in our good graces!"

His cat, his lazy, chunky cat was apparently Skilled now. He should have never let Emilio eat the damn GnOpal. Was he a minor deity of Garden Gnomes? He wasn't worried about the Gnomes and whatever it was they were doing against Don Badger. He was worried that his cat had Skills now. The worst part? Emilio would never listen to him again. There was nothing to do. Not right now. He'd question the smug little bastard tomorrow.

Just a few more deliveries. Then I get to see Mistress Snu. Wait not…that's not her name. Her name is Snu. Snu, Alex.

He leapt back through the Portal and landed in the kitchen, still wide-eyed and vibrating from shock. Nino was waiting with a single steaming pizza box in hand. But the moment he saw Alex's face, he noticed something was wrong.

"Alex–you see a ghost?" Nino raised an eyebrow. "Gnome haunted? I hope Gnome not haunted. Then we big trouble."

"Later, Nino. Gnomes aren't haunted. It's probably worse," Alex waved him off. "You wouldn't believe me even if I told you."

Nino just nodded. "Alex, I see many thing. One time, I see man eat own head. Spit out brain like gum. Life is strange."

He passed over the pizza box and gave it a pat. "This customer very prickly. Dungeon Boss. Nasty, nasty boy. Me? I hate rollercoaster. You like rollercoaster?"

"Roller–?"

Then the notification hit for the next delivery. He was abound with energy, and had started honing his delivery skills, but this customer worried him. Most people didn't survive this specific Dungeon. It was rated for Silver ranked Adventurers, after all.

[A New Job has been assigned by your Employer - Nino's Pizza]

[Deliver the Pizza to the Customer - Time Remaining - 52:13]

[50 Credit Reward for Completion, along any and all tips from Customers]

[Customer: Ride Warden - Lord Loopy Looper of Wonderland]

Alex sighed. "No, Nino. No, I don't like rollercoasters."

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