Alex heaved himself up the soaked wooden track with burning lungs and slipping shoes. The mascots hollered behind him in their cart where they had lovingly strapped in their rusty power tools beside them. "You're doing great, buddy! But you'd be much safer strapped in with us!" Nibbles squealed with his mousy mouth. Peepums laughed and clapped his bird hands together while GrumbleSnout picked his nose.

Yeah, no thanks.

His Core was draining now, and he could feel the Essence being used up far more quickly than he or the lasagna buff could replace. But he focused only on the peak ahead. Just a little more and maybe his legs wouldn't hurt so badly and he wouldn't get kidnapped and integrated into a Dungeon by the world's worst mascots. Just a little– Then he crested the top as his legs kept pumping. The world tilted forward and he almost lost hold of the pizza box. The drop opened up in front of him, and Alex adjusted his stride to keep his sprint going. "Shit!"

He blurred down the roller coaster drop as gravity yanked at him. [Blazing Hot] roared under his soles and kicked up glittery trails of flames. He strode longer and let the fall pull him and his speed down into the drop. There wasn't time to register the notification before it hit. A surge of raw speed fired through his muscles as Alex received his second Title. His whole body kicked into overdrive, and Alex shot forward even faster, faux flames streaming behind him as he tore down the old wooden death trap.

[Title: Little Baby Speed Demon]

[You've figured out that running really, really fast is cool. +10% Movement Speed. This is actually pretty good, tiger. Note: No actual demon heritage detected. Not yet, anyways. Warning, this may cause over confidence and eventual flight-based mishaps.]

Alex couldn't help but crazy smile as he flew over the track. Okay, maybe running was fun. Especially when you were going really, ridiculously, absurdly fast. He felt like a comet. The mascot cart was just about to get over the first big hill drop. Alex caught a glimpse of GrumbleSnout and Nibbles waving their arms wildly at the sky like it was the best day of their lives. Alex focused ahead and pushed himself harder. That's when he saw something small and fast barreling right at him on the track.

Plushies. Hundreds of discarded plushies and old game prizes crawled over the coaster like angry little ants. A ripped up blue blear with a rusty nail held in its paw charged him with a shriek. Alex pivoted and punted the bear into the air with a satisfying fwummp, sending it spinning like a ragdoll back into the mass in the center of the coaster. A purple lizard with buttons skittered across the track and Alex jumped it without breaking his stride. They were everywhere now, the plushies climbing the coaster in a horde, all sopping wet stuffing spilling out and wielding ride debris.

He spared a look over his shoulder for just long enough to see the mascot cart thundering at him at full speed while the track plushies were flung aside. Grumblesnouth held his jackhammer aloft and cheered. Alex rounded a sharp bend while side hopping two more stuffed animals that tried to rugby tackle his legs. Just one misstep or plushie snap and he would be a tasty addition to the Wonderland staff.

Not happening today. Not when this damn tip is about to be fricken awesome. NOT WHEN I HAVE A LATE NIGHT DELIVERY WITH A GIANTESS SUCCUBUS. NO NO.

Alex tore around a curve and dodged, punte, and ran over plushies. The mascots were gaining on him, and just up ahead, he saw it. There was a gap. Not a crack or a missing board. A full oh shit gap in the track, with nothing but open air and a plushie pit churning below. " Are you kidding me!?" Alex yelled. He could hear Peepums whooping and Nibbles cheering like they were on a school trip. The gap rushed toward him and it was going to be either jump and die, get run over by Monsters, or swan dive into a pit of murder plushies. He gripped the pizza box with both hands and pushed his legs as hard as they could move. The [Speed Demon] Title helped, but it wasn't enough.

"Fuck it!" he snarled. "RATHER DIE BY SNUUUUUUUUU!"

He leapt into the air off the track. He sailed over the plushie soup. He triggered [Phantom Step] just as he started to drop at the very last second. A chunk of Essence ripped out of his Core and the world blinked. Reality twisted and he was slingshotted through the dimensions and teleported ten feet forward. The afterimage of him holding the pizza box hung in the air. He smacked the other side of the broken track, rolled once, and somehow kept the pizza aloft. He was alive, and still holding the damn pizza. Behind him came a horrible but beautiful sound.

The mascot filled cart flew through the gap after him, crashed into his after image, and missed the jump completely. It hung in the sair in slow motion with the three mascots yelling happily as if they had frontrow seats to their doom. GrumbleSnout even gave him a wink as they plummeted. The cart crashed down into the plushie pit with a crunching squelch and high pitched shrieks from the squashed toys. Cotton limbs and heads flew in all directions like fireworks. Alex watched the display and was just happy he hadn't been flattened like a bug or worse.

"Hoo boy. Damn," Alex scratched the back of his head. "That one was kinda close." He looked over the ledge and watched the plushie pile swallow the cart. He checked the delivery timer while Peepums swung his drill at a horde of plushies in the pit, screaming about 'worker' rights' before disappearing under a wave of wet fur.

[Deliver the Pizza to the Customer - Time Remaining - 21:11]

One ride down. One Dungeon Boss Delivery to go.

The speakers came to life while whining with static before Lord Loopy's voice broke through.

"...Did you have fun? If you didn't have fun I don't want the pizza…"

Alex sped over the track, the end of the ride just in sight. "What!?" he shouted into the storm. "This is crazy, Lord Loopy! I'm just trying to give you the damn pizza!" There was a cough from the speakers. Then a louder wail.

"I DON'T WANT ANY PIZZA FROM PARTY POOPERS!"

Was Lord Loopy…crying? The speakers cut off mid-sob, but over the rain and broken rides and giggling pile of toys, Alex swore he heard mechanical sobs from somewhere deeper in the Fun Zone. "Oh my god," he swore. "This is my life now. Guy tries to kill me and I have to bring him a hot pie." He made sure the pizza was secure in his arm and sped off, hopped over the stanchions, and sped out of MindBuster.

Alex bolted across the pavement, shoes blazing, and ten percent faster than before due to his Title. He still kept [Blazing Hot] in his Title slot though. It was definitely cooler. He dodged skeletons on carousel horses that chased him. He heard cries, big ugly, mechanical sobs from deeper in the park.

If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

"I'm coming, Lord Loopy! You're gunna get your fucking pizza and you're going to enjoy it and give me a TIP!" Alex bellowed and followed the cries.

He ducked through the food court next, sidestepping a popcorn machine and a blooming onion. A boiling grease Monster groaned as Alex sprinted past. "Come back…you forgot your condiments…." After front kicking a pretzel stand, dodging a churro ball, he honed in on the sound of the sobs. They were getting louder and definitely weren't angry. If anything, they sounded lonely to Alex.

The Fun Zone opened up like a stage. The dangling bulbs didn't flicker but bathed the center in a carnival glow. And at the very center like a ruined king slumped on his throne of unused rides and rotten junk food, was Lord Loopy. The Monster sobbed and hiccuped into an unplugged microphone about 'party poopers'. Alex slowed, breathing hard, drenched head to toe. He'd almost been pasted, strapped down to a ride forever, and given tetanus by a squishmallow, but he'd arrived. The pizza would be delivered on time. He slicked his hair into a relatively clean look and walked up to Lord Loopy.

"Showtime," he said before yelling. "I've got a pizza here for a Lord Loopy! One piping hot pizza for the King of Fun himself!".

It was like watching a nightmare unwrap itself. Roller coaster tracks bent, pop corn spilled out of the creature's torso, and his arms extended in churning gears covered in tattered ribbons. Speakers stretched and covered him instead of ribs. Waffle irons welded various 'bones' together to hold him together. Lord Loopy rose up, until he towered over Alex like a god stitched together from games, rides, and junk food. His face seemed to be a weathered animatronic carnival host, with a little mustache and top hat on top of a monstrous body. The Dungeon Boss's eyes looked at Alex with mania.

"You ruined the fun," Lord Loopy whimpered. "I don't want any pizza. Go away before I have to kill you." He turned and dragged long corns and deflated balloons behind him.

Alex was stunned. First at Lord Loopy's appearance, and secondly that he didn't want the pizza he had ordered. "You tried to kill me!" he shouted at the Dungeon Boss.

Lord Loopy turned his head, animatronic jaw shuddering. When he spoke, the Dungeon Boss sounded human. "I just wanted you to stay…to stay." he muttered. "Everyone leaves. Or dies and becomes a Monster. It's not the same. Alex stepped forward and felt something twist in his gut. Lord Loopy wasn't charging him, or summoning his Monsters. He didn't even really want pizza. He just stood there like a sad, broken pile of memories that smelled like stale candy, blood, and screams of fun.

"You know…" Loopy's voice droned in the air. "When a Dungeon Boss dies, we don't get to move on. There's no grand ending. There isn't any escape." That made Alex stiffen. "We just come back, weaker and a little less ourselves. Every time. It hurts terribly." Loopy's voice cracked. "Until…I don't know. There's nothing left but slogans and broken games." Loopy looked down at his massive chest. "Most don't even bother killing us anymore. Why would they? They farm Peepums, and Nibbles, and GrumbleSnout and the plushies. They're reborn if they die. Easy loot and Cores. Long as we don't get too strong or break out and cause mayhem…" He let out a frightening laugh. "Why bother?"

That made Alex swallow. He thought of GrumbleSnout waving from the cart with his murderous jackhammer. Of the plushies he punted. Sure, most were terrifying Monsters that lived only for the blood and guts of Adventurers and hated humanity. But he also thought about Snu. He was supposed to see her tonight. She practically set up a little date for them. He had thought of asking her out if he didn't wimp out. It made him think of Dungeon Bosses as not just Monsters, cute or otherwise. Maybe some were prisoners.

Alex looked at Lord Loopy and saw a terrifying Dungeon Boss that by circumstance or by destiny had to kill Adventurers. Or trap them in an endless ride with daily dental cleanings or whatever it was they had planned. He had been trapped in the orphanage, and then on the streets, but he had escaped. And look at him now. He had a good job, a couple friends, a cat he needed to give a stern talking to and take to the vet at some point for a Skill checkup, and a date with a real hottie. Sure she was a Dungeon Boss, but she was cute, damnit! His mouth moved before he could decide otherwise.

"I've hated funnel cakes my whole life, Lord Loopy. Even since I was a kid. I didn't want to have fun, and I'm sorry for that," he said. Lord Loopy's mechanical form creaked.

"You..you hated funnel cakes?" he asked in his tinny voice like a kid who found out Santa was actually real, and now a demonic overload that rules the skies over the Atlantic. "You mean you were a party pooper all along?"

That made Alex ugly laugh. "Guess so," he said. "Wasn't about you or the park. I just didn't get a lot of fun growing up, you know?"

Lord Loopy looked like he might start sobbing again. Instead, with a spark at his waist, a broken food stall attached to his leg sputtered to life. There was a rattling noise and something greasy and awful flopped out of the side onto a dirty paper plate that Lord Loopy caught with surprising grace. It was an unmistakable funnel cake. A horrible, misshapen, greasy, sad funnel cake. Without icecream, and with too-bright strawberry syrup on top. But it was definitely a funnel cake. Alex stared at it like he was going to be attacked. But Lord Loopy smiled twisted and crooked and hopeful.

"I made it…just for you," he said proudly over every speaker in Wonderland. Alex signed, resigned to his fate.

Me and my big, stupid heart.

"Thanks," Alex said before offering. "And Lord Loopy...I did have fun running."

"You did!?" Lord Loopy did a little dance.

"Sure did."

"You have no idea how much that means to me, Alex."

He took the plate from the outreached arm. The funnel cake squelched. He forced himself to take a bite with his free hand. It was like chewing regret. It was overly sweet, and soggy, and nothing like Nina's food. It was the worst dessert he had ever eaten. But when he dry swallowed the terrible food and looped up, Lord Loopy was beaming. His whole horrific form puffed out fresh ribbons. Then Lord Loopy reached out and pulled the pizza box out of Alex's hands with a small thankful nod.

[Deliver the Pizza to the Customer - Complete]

[CREDITS: 1034 -> 1084]

That's ENOUGH FOR RENT!

"Thank you Alex. Hold on, let me get you a tip," Lord Loopy turned away to sort through a pile of rubbish and Alex chucked the plate into the distance, pretending to chew air. The Dungeon Boss turned back holding…a horn. It looked like something ripped off an old bumper car. Just a bright red rubber ball attached to a rough looking brass horn.

"A horn?"

Lord Loopy beamed so wide it looked like his animatronic smile might split. "For emergencies!" he declared proudly, thrusting it into Alex's free hand as he [Investigated] the thing.

[Screeching Banshee Horn]

Alex was about to give the thing a squeeze when he heard from behind him. "Don't honk that!" He spun and saw three battered shapes appear. GrumbleSnout had a new dent in his skull. Nibbles had a clipboard embedded in his torso. Peepums hopped on one foot while holding the other in his bird hand. "Good job, buddy!" GrumbleSnout gave him a thumbs up.

"Only honk that," Lord Loopy said while laughing and munching on a tiny piece of pizza for his size. "When you're really in trouble," Lord Loopy bit through perfectly cooked dough, cheese and sauce while moaning. "God, this pizza is amazing. Worth every penny. Do you guys want some?" The giant Dungeon Boss monster looked at his Monster Mascots.

Alex backed away slowly, pizza delivered, horn in hand, with his insides still inside. Lord Loopy and the Monsters crunched on a pie and called out to him. "Thanks!" While giving him a group thumbs up. That was enough for Alex. He turned and sprinted away while shouting over his shoulder, "You're welcome! And thanks for the tip!" He bolted for the ruined entrance of Wonderland. He didn't stop until the crackling neon sign letters of the park were well behind him.

Holy doodle…

The Portal waited outside the entrance to the Dungeon. He had survived. He thought about how the world saw Dungeon Bosses and Monsters. About how maybe not all of them were completely murderous. He was starting to get tired, as a piece of magical lasagna and buffing espresso could only do so much. Maybe not all Dungeon Bosses deserved the attitudes they got from people. He sure was excited to see Snu, and Lord Loopy didn't seem that bad, once you got back the insane rides and undead in his domain. He checked his phone. Mistress Snu hadn't texted him back, but he wanted to get to her delivery as soon as possible. Mary's messages had gotten drunker and even included a picture of a passed out Jemin. Beepy appeared too be...

Is Beepy teabagging Jemin?...

Alex didn't run into the Portal. He thought about his own changing attitude towards Dungeon Bosses and Monsters. He thought about Snu, and Mary's little drones. He thought of Nino and Nina. Sure, part of him wanted to rush off and hopefully steal a kiss or better from Snu, but there were still pies and lasagna to deliver.

Huh, he thought to himself as he walked into the Portal. It was time to finish the shift and go see Mistress Snu.

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