Dungeons & Deliveries - A Post Apocalypse Comedy Adventure [Book 1 Complete]

Book 1 - Chapter 42 - Of Beanbags and Regression


Alex woke in Snu's chambers to the soft light of floating candelabras and the sounds of plastic sleepiness. He was sore, scratched in some very sensitive areas, and currently being used as a pillow. Snu was curled against him. That was an upgrade from last time. She snored sweetly, drooled just a bit, and her horn jabbing his shoulder didn't hurt that badly. He was grainy eyed, aching, and wrung out after last night's whirlwind. From the downtown date to the escape run to the very adult debrief about desire while Vrshkeuc babysat the overly excited Toy Familiars. He was tired, but damn if he wasn't happy.

Some of the aftermath of that chaos lay cuddled nearby. A very grumpy Vrshkeyc had eventually dragged in two velour beanbags for the Toy Familiars, grumbling about being underpaid. The Toys had collapsed in clusters, finally free from capsule confinement and their likely short, bonded existences. That part had come after the debrief of course.

The bread collection was stacked neatly on top of eachother to stay warm. The multicolored cats had spread themselves across the various nooks available. The gundhams were spooning the toasters and any other Toy that looked sufficiently shiny. Monkeys with bowler hands hung by their plastic tails from the floating candle holders. The dragons had found wedges in bricks and begun building nests. The dogs were piled at the foot of the bed, kicking their mini legs and dreaming about infinite astroturf fields.

Alex rubbed the gunk from his eyes and tried to shove his spiraling thoughts into a tidy little anxiety lockbox. He hadn't told Snu about Britanii, the Krusher's were definitely out to squash him, and the Tax Guild's clip boards were likely hot on their tails for grand larceny. Probably not on hers, seeing as she could hide her identity with ease. It was Tuesday, and…

SHIT, I HAVE WORK TODAY!

He peeled himself out from her snuggled and Snu collapsed into the warm spot, curling into the sheets. He tiptoed around the strewn sleeping bodies of Toy Familiars, which he supposed were just Toys now, trying to not step on any of them. A cat slapped his ankle. He found his pants, and had to pry his phone out of the vice grip of some unsettling hand Toys. Couple messages from Mary he couldn't deal with right now and…

16 minutes till my shift starts!

He spun in place and frantically searched for his shirt. Nothing. Where the hell–Did Snu steal– Something soft hit his face and momentarily suffocated him. From behind the fabric, Snu giggled from her sprawl.

"That was fun," she said lazily. "I'll message you later." Alex slipped back into his shirt that smelled like her and sprinted back to steal a kiss.

"You're trouble. Am I ever going to get that other shirt back?" He asked hopefully.

"Nope. It's mine now. Price of dating a Dungeon Boss." She responded with a close eyed smile. He stole another smoocherino and bolted to the door while the Toys continued their well deserved rest.

Alex sprinted with his newfound speed through the strange inbetween and view everything Dungeon on Snu's side corridor. He felt nimble as he scanned what Snu's Monsters were up to. The tentacle room was mopping up something fleshy. The Glimps were mid badminton match as two screaming Adventurers dangled above vats of peach scented lube. The Ass Monster was on two ellipticals, clenching its glutes with purpose.

"Oh god," Alex turned away and spotted the nuns doing some sort of ritual that would keep him staring for hours if he didn't need to get to Nino's. He burst into the reception and streamed past Vrshkeuc. The poor Gremlin looked exhausted.

"Bye! Good luck with the Toys!" he yelled over his shoulder. The gremlin was in pink pajamas and trying to pry her high heel from a bunch of miniature action figures. He saw one of them suplex another onto the tiled floor for the hell of it. A few plastic animals were screaming and yanking at her tuft of hair. Not even a quippy little comment. Giat's side was still thumping with its relentless club music. Did that woman ever sleep? Did the party know no end?

Out the Leather Spires Dungeon doors Alex ran and into the blinding daylight of Tuesday in Toronto. The air was muggy, the giant swirling sun was beaming, and the clouds didn't look like they were waging their usual lofty wars. A perfect summer day. The gargoyles whispered a 'shit' and froze back into still statues. Barry or Larry's hand was still two knuckles deep in his ear.

"Gentleman. I see that finger. Pleasure seeing ya, but gotta run." Alex said, already thumbing his phone and jogging away. There were just three messages from Mary.

Mary: hot date? didnt see u. didnt go home either 😉

Mary: big day at shop. Big big big one. many monies. more monies today. mmm monies and lizard butt.

Mary: beepy news! he says don't tell u and i wont ruin it for him. they grow up so fast 🥲

He smiled, and pocketed his phone. Beepy had big news? Well wasn't that exciting. And everybody loved money, especially when they were running on empty and rent was due at the end of the week. The fact that she spent the night at Jemin's wasn't surprising either. Once Mary set her soul on something, she got it. His stomach audibly groaned from hunger as he did a little stretch. Hopefully Nina would fix him something to eat before he began his deliveries.

Alex turned on some classic Sum 41 "Does This Look Infected?" from a couple decades ago with [Audio Player] and sped off down the alley. Over the clinking chain, past the closed SPANKTUARY, with a glance towards the closed mouse market, and over the colourful puddle he went. His [Running] felt clean, his legs hummed, he kept [Blazing Hot] unactivated.

Right as he approached the end of the alley, a little porcelain body launched itself at him from behind a fire hydrant.

"What the fuck!?" Alex twisted mid stride and dodged the airborne garden gnome. The gnome hit the ground like a pro, rolled, and sprant up to waddle sprint to catch up. He wore purple overalls stained with blood, a bright red beard, and a soda can longsword strapped to his back. With a chunk shattered out of his eye, showing the deep shadow of his hollow depths. Alex slowed down a bit, as he figured the gnome was part of Petal's crew. The gnome huffed as he barely kept up with Alex and spoke.

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"Cabbage Kneebite, reporting in for Colonel Pizza on behalf of Steward of Sun and Shade Gravewhistle," the gnome almost tripped, but kept up through sheer determination.

Alex tried not to snort at the seriousness with which the gnome took his task, and kept running to not be late. "Uh..report in, soldier." The gnome pumped his legs under his round ceramic belly.

"We have apprehended two Krushers. Redacted identities. Within the Allen Garden they await your decision under close supervision. They quite enjoy it. Do not concern yourself with their physical state. Additionally, Tax Guilders spotted sniffing around your domicile. Possible clipboard recon. Hedgehog Formation Three deployed."

"Wha-what?" Alex nearly tripped. "They're what? You have who?!" The gnome just continued his report. It seemed that the gnomes were acting as his miniature, terrifying bodyguards with tunnels around the city.

"Emilio pushes the front against Don Badger. Victory pending Storm Session Ritual. Report stop." Then the gnome dive bombed into the bushes and disappeared. There was a scuffle that involved something growling, a squeal, and the furious sounds of digging.

Alex skidded to a halt for half a breath staring at the bushes where the gnome had disappeared. "What the fuuuuuck," he muttered, heart pounding harder than it should be. So the Krushers were after him. And the Tax guide was sniffing around…That stunt with the Familiars hadn't just worked out perfectly. You don't mess with the Tax Guild, everyone knows that. He should tell Snu though.

He took a breath and fired off the ground. He had 14 minutes until his shift started, and he tore through the morning city. Around office drones in their standard issue pant suits he ran, juking food stalls stationed by Monsters, eyes twitching toward every little hint of red fabric or terrifying clipboard.

The city felt alive, with the enchanted mopeds, streetcars that hissed at tardy passengers with blue smoke, and the permanent wall of people. His run felt fantastic as he weaved through cars stuck in gridlock, hurled over a goblin pawning harmonicas, and ducked under a latte cart with triple caffeine. Art hawkers screamed increasingly desperate prices for their literal souls, and a busker sang on a corner with his actual heart on display. A horde of students in summer school waddled past in cute little wizard robes and gawked at his raw speed. Alex smiled and gave them the double barrel as they pointed and 'ooooohed'.

Halfway down King Street, Alex spotted the red. Krushers standing around trying to look inconspicuous as civilians funneled around them. You'd think they'd try to hide themselves better and not wear strikingly read bandanas and grimace constantly. Maybe a shower and several hours of sponge bathing would help as well. Alex triggered [Illusory Copy] and sent his too handsome clone, who had the gall to fire finger guns at him, right at the mouth breathing pair. The Krushers laughed like simpletons and laughed as they tried to tackle it. Instead, they collided with each other, and hit the pavement like the meat sacs that they were.

Alex ducked to the other side of the street and cackled to himself. When he was running, nothing could stop him. His anxiety settled just a bit as he realized that maybe he wasn't totally defenseless. They could come, and he could run, dodge, trick, teleport, and think his way past any mouth breather or clipboard carrier. He vaulted a hot dog cart and winked at the Bullywug vendor. When he landed, he thought fuck it, and let [Blazing Hot] rip out. Cool unheated flames danced at his feet and people stopped to point as he sprinted to work. He was starving, slightly anxious, but grinning like a madman as his body flowed through the streets. [Running] was synced up to his body, and he felt smooth, sharp…and almost addicted to the sensation.

Finally, he skidded to a stop outside Nino's with three minutes to spare. [Blazing Hot] powered down and he almost wished there was the sound of a hissing engine to accompany it. Catching his breath, he felt a bubbling pride. He was getting faster. Much, much faster. Not just through Skill growth, but through instinct and muscle. Wiping the sweat from his brow, he pushed into the Pizza Lich Shop to start a new week at work.

The cookie monster street sweeper was working furiously down the road, and he and Alex gave a little wave in greeting. He didn't know the monster or his name, but Alex appreciated his work ethic, and thought his bright blue fur was pretty neat.

The shop bell rang, and the wall of smells immediately made Alex drool. Toasted garlic, rising bread, bubbling cheese, and something slightly different that he couldn't place punched him right in the ol' factory. His stomach growled. The pizzas were on display behind the glass enclosure, the floors were sparkling clean, and Alex went to look at the plant hanging in the window.

Definitely more flowers. Definitely more alive. Now the plant had at least five gorgeous blue flowers instead of the sad single one. And…what was that noise?

Is that…

Nina was singing. From the kitchen, Alex heard her voice, and it was rich, warm, and happy. Pots clanged, yes, but the Nonna that provided the world's best pizza sang out a beautiful melody that pierced directly to Alex's soul. The whole shop felt like a hearth. And in that moment, Alex realized how much he'd missed the shop, even though it had only been two very eventful days. He was excited to come back, see the old couple, and get to work.

Now hopefully she'd fix him up something delicious before his shift started. His stomach was just about ready to rip and tear–

"ALEX! So good to see you!"

Nino popped into view, and it did not totally startle Alex. One second the front of house was empty, the next, the man was sending there with an espresso cup, a shoulder clap, and…presence. He stood right in front of Alex, tiny porcelain espresso in one hand and pointing his bushy eyebrows.

"You come back – good, good." He smacked Alex on the shoulder again with his meaty palm. "You have good weekend? I smellah you! Nice girl, yes? You treat good and pay for date?" He tapped the side of his nose and winked before waggling his finger at Alex. "I tell you, act gentleman. Always act gentleman."

Alex just stared at Nino and blinked. He shook his head and looked again. Nope, he definitely wasn't hallucinating.

The old man, well, the old Lich man, looked younger. Gone was the slight slouch and the pronounced belly. Now he spotted a modest paunch, sure, but also raw definition of muscles. He looked like an aged Italian actor. Handsome, a little cheeky, and full of affable machismo. His hair was darker and somehow more filled out. His jawline? Chiseled and ready to tear through several servings of carbs. The man looked like he had age regressed five years or more. The old, frail look was gone. Why was he so handsome?

"Nino?" Alex asked, baffled. "Did you—"

"Ah!" Nino interrupted him and clapped him on the shoulder again, steering him towards the kitchen. "Are you hungry? You look hungry. Come, come, Nina is making pizza egg."

Even though he wanted to know what the heck was going on with Nino's appearance, a bite or two couldn't hurt.

"Pizza eggs?" Alex asked, hopeful for food and confused as hell.

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