The dungeon hummed, but it wasn't the aggressive thrum of an invasion. It was… a serenade?

Reed stood in the Core Chamber, staring at the main screen with a frown.

"System," he asked. "Why is there lute music in the entrance corridor?"

[INTRUDERS DETECTED]

Party: "The Balladeers of Bliss" (Bards). Threat Level: Negligible.

Horniness Level: Critical.

"Bards," Reed sighed. "Of course."

He zoomed in.

The party consisted of three men. They were not wearing armor. They were wearing velvet, silk, and an excessive amount of cologne that Reed could practically smell through the magical connection.

The leader, a man with a goatee and a mandolin, was strutting down the hallway. Valerius (Bard - D-Rank).

Behind him was a sketch artist with charcoal-stained fingers, furiously drawing the walls. Pippin (Artificer/Artist).

And bringing up the rear, carrying a large picnic basket, was a man who looked like he had never lifted anything heavier than a wine glass. Gyl (Critic).

"This architecture!" Valerius proclaimed, strumming a chord. "The curves! The undulation of the stone! It speaks of a master who understands sensuality!"

He stopped at the first trap—Grika's Spanking Paddle.

Instead of triggering it and getting mad, Valerius examined it.

"Look at the leatherwork," he whispered reverently. "The stitching. It's… exquisite. This isn't a trap. It's an invitation."

Grika, watching from the workshop, looked horrified.

"Boss," she radioed in through the bond. "They're petting the trap. They aren't triggering it. They're just… caressing the paddle."

"Do not engage," Reed ordered. "I repeat, do not engage. They look sticky."

"Too late," Grika whispered. "They saw me."

The Workshop

Grika stood in the doorway, wrench in hand, wearing her Sapper's Straps. Usually, this was the moment adventurers drew swords.

Valerius dropped to one knee.

Pippin started sketching furiously. "The lighting! The grease! The raw, unbridled energy!"

"Oh, Green Goddess of the Gear!" Valerius sang, hitting a high note that made Grika's goggles rattle. "Your skin is the color of emeralds! Your abs are the anvil of my heart!"

Grika blinked. She looked at her wrench. She looked at the bard.

"Are we fighting?" she asked, confused. "I have a harpoon gun. I can shoot you."

"Shoot me!" Valerius cried, clutching his chest. "Shoot me with your disdain! Your scorn is the fuel of my muse!"

Gyl, the critic, stepped forward adjusting a monocle.

"I must say," he noted, looking at Grika's outfit. "The juxtaposition of industrial utility and gratuitous skin exposure is… avant-garde. Five stars."

Grika took a step back. "Boss? I'm scared. They aren't attacking. They're… complimenting me."

"They're Simps," Reed realized, watching from the Core. "A high-level infestation. Grika, retreat to Floor 2. Lead them to the water. Maybe they'll drown."

"On it," Grika said. She turned and sprinted for the slide.

"She flees!" Valerius cried. "A chase! Come, brothers! To the depths of passion!"

They ran after her. They didn't even check for tripwires. They just bolted.

Floor 2 – The Bathhouse

When the Bards shot out of the slide and into the pool, they didn't scream. They cheered.

"The waters of Venus!" Valerius shouted, surfacing with his mandolin held high (it was waterproof, apparently).

They paddled around, looking at the glowing moss and the steam rising from the central island.

Seraphine was resting on her Heated Rock. She saw the intruders. She uncoiled, rising up to her full height, ready to intimidate.

"You dare disturb my—"

"GORGEOUS!" Pippin screamed, splashing water as he tried to keep his sketchbook dry. "The scale pattern! The sheer magnitude of the tail! Hold that pose! Look fierce! Look like you want to crush me!"

Seraphine paused. Her tail twitched.

"I… do want to crush you," she hissed.

"Yes! That's the energy!" Pippin sketched frantically. "More disdain! Look at me like I'm a worm!"

Seraphine looked at Reed (via the Core link).

"My Lord," she projected, sounding disturbed. "Why are they not afraid? I am terrifying."

"They're… enthusiasts," Reed explained. "Just… loom. Don't squeeze them yet. I think they might enjoy it too much."

Luma popped up from the water next to Gyl.

"Hi!" she chirped. "Do you want to be dissolved?"

Gyl adjusted his monocle, which was wet.

"A slime entity," he observed. "Viscosity appears to be high. Transparency is excellent. Tell me, my dear, are you locally sourced?"

"I'm from the floor!" Luma beamed.

"Farm to table," Gyl nodded approvingly. "Authentic."

Valerius swam toward the shore where Maira was standing.

Maira was wearing her Supervisor's Skin. She held her clipboard like a shield.

"Halt," Maira ordered. "This is a restricted area. Hygiene protocols are in effect. You are contaminating the pool with… cologne."

Valerius hauled himself out of the water. He shook his wet velvet coat.

"My lady of the night," he bowed. "Your stern demeanor chills me to the bone. I love it. Tell me, do you charge for entry to this paradise?"

Maira froze. Her eyes narrowed behind her glasses.

She looked at Reed through the link.

"Master," she said. "He mentioned… payment."

Reed sat up straight.

"Payment?"

"Gold," Maira clarified. "Currency."

Reed looked at his dungeon. It was beautiful. It was expensive to maintain. And he had zero gold coins to buy things from the surface world—like better fabric for Maira, or rare metals for Grika.

"Negotiate," Reed ordered. "Fleece them."

Maira adjusted her glasses. A shark-like smile touched her lips.

"Indeed," she said to Valerius. "This is an exclusive resort. The entry fee is… substantial."

Valerius laughed, tossing a heavy pouch onto the stone. It clinked with the heavy, sweet sound of gold.

"Money is temporary," he declared. "Art is forever. We wish for the 'Full Package.'"

Maira picked up the pouch. She weighed it.

"The Full Package," she said coolly, "includes towel service, one (1) non-lethal constriction session, and access to the heated rocks. No touching the staff. Violation results in immediate… disposal."

"Sold!" Valerius cheered.

The Transaction

For the next hour, the Dungeon of the Teasing Tomb ceased to be a place of combat and became a theme park.

Seraphine, looking incredibly bored and slightly violated, held a pose on her rock while Pippin sketched her from twelve different angles.

"Chin up! Tail out! Yes, give me 'Ancient Goddess of Death'!"

"I am going to eat him," Seraphine whispered to Reed.

"Think of the gold," Reed soothed her. "We can buy you a heated blanket."

Seraphine held the pose.

Luma was giving Gyl a "massage," which mostly involved her engulfing his arm and vibrating.

"Fascinating texture," Gyl murmured, taking notes with his free hand. "Exfoliating properties are off the charts."

Grika was sitting with Valerius, who was trying to write a song about her wrench.

"It's big! It's heavy! It turns the nuts of my soul!" he sang.

"It's steel alloy," Grika corrected, bored. "And if you rhyme 'wrench' with 'wench' one more time, I'm detonating your lute."

"Feisty!" Valerius scribbled in his notebook.

Finally, their time was up.

Maira clapped her hands.

"Session concluded," she announced. "Please exit via the side tunnel. Do not forget to rate us at the Guild."

The Bards packed up. They looked wet, exhausted, and incredibly happy.

"We shall return!" Valerius promised, bowing to Seraphine. "I shall compose an opera about your tail!"

"Please don't," Seraphine said.

They left.

The Loot

Reed sat on his bed, dumping the pouch out.

Gold coins spilled onto the stone. Real, stamped Kingdom Gold.

[LOOT ACQUIRED]

Currency: 500 Gold Coins.

Source: Service Industry.

Mana Gained: +15 DM (Lust/Admiration).

"Five hundred gold," Reed whispered. "That's… a lot, right?"

"It buys a lot of steel," Grika said, eyeing the pile. "I can upgrade the vents. I can buy copper wiring."

"It buys silk," Maira said, touching the coins. "And bleach. Do you know how hard it is to synthesize bleach from mana? I can buy gallons of it."

"It buys… snacks?" Luma asked hopefully.

"Yes," Reed said. "It buys snacks."

He looked at the coins. He realized something profound.

He didn't just have to wait for adventurers to come kill him. He could invite them. He could sell to them.

"System," he asked. "Can I open a shop?"

[FEATURE UNLOCKED: DUNGEON MERCHANT] You can now designate a neutral zone for commerce. You can contract a Wandering Merchant to visit your entrance.

Reed smiled.

"Maira," he said. "You're promoted. You are now the CFO."

Maira adjusted her glasses. Her tail twitched happily.

"I will prepare the ledgers," she said. "We will run this dungeon in the black."

Seraphine slithered in, looking exhausted.

"My Lord," she groaned, collapsing onto the floor. "I feel dirty. They… looked at me so much."

Reed went over and patted her head.

"You were brave," he said. "You took one for the team."

He held up a gold coin.

"I'm buying you that heated blanket."

Seraphine cracked one eye open.

"Wool?" she asked.

"Cashmere," Reed promised.

Seraphine sighed contentedly.

"Acceptable."

The Teasing Tomb was no longer just a dungeon. It was an enterprise. And business was booming.

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