The Dungeon of the Teasing Tomb usually smelled of three things: ozone (Grika), lavender (Maira), or wet dog (Riva).

Today, it smelled of burning hair and swamp gas.

Reed woke up choking.

"System," he wheezed, sitting up in bed. "Are we under attack? Did a necromancer throw a stink bomb?"

[ENVIRONMENTAL ALERT]

Air Quality: Critical.

Source: The Workshop Cavern.

Threat: Culinary Experimentation.

"Culinary?" Reed rubbed his eyes. "Oh no."

He stumbled out of bed, pulling on his pants. Grika was already awake, standing in the doorway with her shirt pulled up over her nose.

"Don't go in there, Boss," Grika warned, her voice muffled by the leather. "The puddle is cooking."

"Cooking what?"

"I don't know," Grika said, eyes wide with horror. "But it's moving."

Reed took a deep breath—big mistake—and walked into the workshop.

Maira had been banished. She was standing in the far corner, holding a handkerchief soaked in perfume to her face, looking as green as Grika.

In the center of the room, Luma stood over a stone cauldron Reed had shaped for alchemy.

She was wearing a "Kiss the Cook" apron. Just the apron. And her Hydro-Shell.

She was stirring the pot with her own arm.

"Morning, Reed!" Luma chirped, pulling her arm out of the sludge. It made a wet shhh-luck sound. "I made breakfast! Humans need nutrients, right?"

Reed looked into the cauldron.

The substance inside was purple. It was bubbling sluggishly. Occasionally, a fish eye from the blind cave fish in the subterranean river would surface, stare accusingly at Reed, and sink back down.

"Luma," Reed said gently. "What is this?"

"It's Slime Stew!" she beamed. "Ingredients: Cave moss. Fish. A little bit of bat guano for spice. And… me!"

"You?"

"I put a little of my essence in for texture!" she said proudly. "It thickens it!"

She scooped up a ladle full of the purple goo. It stretched. It didn't drip; it hung in a thick, cohesive strand like melted rubber.

"Open wide!" she offered, bringing the ladle toward Reed's face.

Reed looked at his monster girls.

Grika shook her head slowly. Don't do it.

Seraphine, who had just slithered in, sniffed the air and hissed. "Poison."

Maira adjusted her glasses. "I have prepared the stomach pump, Master. Just in case."

Reed looked at Luma. She was vibrating with excitement. Her big blue eyes were shining. She wanted so badly to help.

"Okay," Reed whispered. "For morale."

He took a sip.

It tasted like licking a battery that had been dipped in pond scum.

Reed's vision swam. His tongue went numb.

"Mmm," he managed, tears streaming down his face. "Textured."

"Did you like it?" Luma asked, bouncing.

"It's… unique," Reed choked. "But maybe… maybe we try a different recipe? Something from my world?"

Luma tilted her head. "Your world?"

"Yeah," Reed said, clutching his stomach. "Let's make Pizza."

The Prep Work

"Pizza," Grika repeated, testing the word. "Is that a weapon?"

"It's a flat circle of dough covered in sauce and cheese," Reed explained. "It is the food of the gods."

"Dough requires flour," Maira noted, checking her inventory. "We have none. We have rock dust."

"I bought supplies with the Bard Gold," Reed reminded her. "Check the crates."

Maira checked. Indeed, among the bleach and silk, there was a sack of high-quality grain flour and a jar of yeast.

"Okay," Reed clapped his hands. "Stations. Grika, I need an oven. Brick, stone, wood-fired. Can you build it?"

Grika cracked her knuckles. "I can build a forge that melts steel. A bread-heater is easy."

"Seraphine," Reed said. "You are the heat source. Once the oven is built, I need you to coil around it. Keep it at a steady 500 degrees."

Seraphine puffed out her chest. "I am the dragon of the hearth."

"Riva," Reed pointed to the ceiling. "Hunt. We need meat. Boar. Deer. Something that isn't a blind fish."

"Meat!" Riva shrieked, launching herself up the shaft.

"And Luma," Reed turned to the slime.

Luma held up her ladle. "More stew?"

"No," Reed said. "You are the mixer. You have the perfect consistency for kneading dough."

Luma's eyes widened. "I get to… squish it?"

"You get to squish it."

The Dough

Making pizza dough with a slime girl was an erotic experience that Reed was not prepared for.

Reed poured the flour and water onto a clean stone slab.

"Okay, Luma," he said. "Mix it. Fold it over. Push it."

Luma didn't use her hands. She used her whole body.

She hopped onto the table. She expanded her midsection, effectively engulfing the pile of flour and water.

"It's inside me!" she giggled, vibrating. "It tickles!"

She began to undulating. Her body rippled, churning the mixture internally.

"Is this sanitary?" Maira asked, looking horrified.

"She's a sterile environment," Reed lied. "Probably."

Luma moaned happily as the dough formed.

"It's getting stiff!" she said. "It's fighting back!"

She pressed herself flat against the table, rolling the ball of dough under her chest. She kneaded it with her weight, rocking back and forth. Squish. Roll. Squish.

"Look at me, Reed!" she called out, sweat (or slime) glistening on her forehead. "I'm kneading! I'm a baker!"

She grabbed the dough ball and pressed it against her chest, hugging it tight.

"It's warm," she whispered. "Like a baby."

"Don't get attached," Reed warned. "We're going to eat it."

Luma pouted, but she slammed the dough back onto the table.

"It's ready!"

It was, surprisingly, perfect. Smooth, elastic, and slightly glowing blue.

The Sauce & Toppings

While Luma wrestled the gluten, Grika had constructed a masterpiece of stone engineering.

It wasn't just an oven. It was a Magma-Core Pizza Forge.

"I tapped a thermal vent," Grika explained proudly, wiping soot from her forehead. "Airflow is cyclonic. It'll cook a pie in ninety seconds flat."

Seraphine was already coiled around the stone dome of the oven. Her thermal suit was glowing orange as she pumped extra heat into the rock.

"It is toasty," Seraphine purred, resting her chin on top of the dome. "I could sleep on this."

"Don't sleep," Reed said. "Cook."

Riva returned.

THUMP.

She dropped a wild boar carcass onto the floor.

"Hunt!" she screamed, landing on top of it. She was covered in leaves and triumph. "Pig was fast. Riva was faster. I stabbed it in the butt!"

"Good job," Reed said. "Maira, butcher it."

Maira produced a set of knives that looked surgical.

"With pleasure," she said.

Twenty minutes later, they had toppings. Sliced boar sausage (courtesy of Maira's precision chopping), wild mushrooms Grika found in the damp caves, and a "cheese" substitute Reed synthesized from coagulated mana milk (don't ask).

Reed assembled the first pie. He stretched the dough. He spread the sauce (crushed cave tomatoes). He layered the cheese and meat.

"Behold," Reed said, holding up the raw pizza. "The Margherita of the Deep."

He slid it into the oven.

The Bake

They all gathered around the oven.

The smell began to drift out.

It wasn't burnt hair. It wasn't swamp gas.

It was yeast. It was roasting meat. It was bubbling cheese.

Grika sniffed the air, her ears twitching. "By the gears… what is that smell?"

"That," Reed said, "is civilization."

Seraphine tightened her coil around the oven.

"I can feel it expanding," she whispered. "The crust is rising against my scales. It is… alive."

"Ninety seconds," Grika counted down. "Pull it, Boss!"

Reed used a flat shovel (Grika's spare sheet metal) to retrieve the pie.

He pulled it out.

It was golden. It was bubbling. The crust was charred perfectly.

Luma gasped. "It's beautiful! It looks like the sun, but edible!"

Riva tried to peck it.

"Hot!" Reed swatted her away. "Wait."

He sliced it. The crunch of the crust echoed in the silent room.

"Okay," Reed said, handing a slice to each of them. "Careful. It's hot."

The Feast

Grika took the first bite.

She froze. Her eyes went wide. She chewed slowly.

"Oh," she whispered. "Oh my god."

She looked at the slice.

"It's crunchy. But soft. And salty. And greasy."

She took another massive bite, sauce getting on her chin.

"It's better than explosions," she declared.

Seraphine ate hers delicately, using a knife and fork Maira provided. She took a bite of the sausage.

"The meat," she purred. "It is… succulent. And the heat… it warms me from the inside."

She shivered, her tail curling happily.

"I approve of this 'Pizza'," she announced. "It is worthy of a Guardian."

Riva didn't chew. She swallowed her slice whole like a seagull.

Gulp.

"More!" she screeched. "More circle-meat!"

Luma held her slice. She didn't eat it. She pressed it against her cheek.

"It's so warm," she whispered. Then, she opened her mouth—which expanded unhinged like a snake—and engulfed the slice.

She dissolved it.

"Yummy!" she glowed bright pink. "I can taste it with my whole body!"

Maira wiped a speck of sauce from her lip with a napkin.

"It is… nutritionally acceptable," she admitted, though she was already reaching for a second slice. "The flavor profile is chaotic, but effective."

Reed ate his slice. It wasn't New York style. It was Cave Style. But it was the best thing he'd tasted since he died.

"We did it," Reed said, leaning back. "We cooked."

An hour later, they were all in a food coma.

Grika was asleep on the floor, clutching her stomach. Riva was perched on the oven (which Seraphine was still warming), looking like a stuffed turkey. Luma was slowly dissolving the leftovers.

Reed sat next to Seraphine, leaning against her warm coils.

"Good meal, my Lord," Seraphine murmured, her eyes closed.

"Great meal," Reed agreed.

The System chimed.

[QUEST COMPLETE: DUNGEON CUISINE] Dish Created: The Dungeon Deluxe Pizza. Effects: +20 Morale to all staff. +5 lbs to Reed (Temporary).

New Feature: [The Cafeteria] unlocked.

Reed looked at his family. They were full. They were happy.

He looked at the empty pizza tray.

"System," he thought. "Can I monetize this?"

[MERCHANT SUGGESTION] Pizza Delivery to Adventurers? Success Rate: High.

Reed smirked.

"Maira," he whispered to the dozing maid. "Wake up. We need to design delivery uniforms."

Maira's eyes snapped open.

"Thirty minutes or it's free?" she asked.

"Exactly."

The Teasing Tomb was about to become the first dungeon with room service.

If you find any errors ( broken links, non-standard content, etc.. ), Please let us know < report chapter > so we can fix it as soon as possible.