The alarm that rang through the dungeon wasn't the low thrum of adventurers, nor the high-pitched wail of an invasion.

It was a sharp, persistent ding-dong that sounded suspiciously like a doorbell.

Reed froze in the middle of counting the gold coins from the pizza delivery service.

"System," he asked. "Do we have a doorbell?"

[NOTIFICATION] Visitor at Threshold. Designation: Non-Combatant / Official. Faction: The Dungeon Authority.

The blood drained from Reed's face.

"Maira!" he shouted. "Code Grey! We're being audited!"

Maira materialized from the shadows. She wasn't wearing her combat swimsuit or her cleaning hazmat gear. She was wearing her "Executive Maid" outfit—a severe black suit with a pencil skirt that fit like a glove, and glasses that were polished to a lethal shine.

She held a clipboard that was twice the size of her usual one.

"I am aware, Master," Maira said calmly, though her tail was twitching with manic energy. "The paperwork horizon has arrived."

"Who is it?" Grika asked, popping her head out of the workshop. "Do I need the harpoon gun?"

"No weapons," Reed ordered. "Hide the weapons. Hide the pizza oven. Hide… Luma."

"I'm right here!" Luma chirped, bouncing into the room. She was wearing a "Welcome" sash over her Hydro-Shell.

"Oh god," Reed whispered. "We look like a circus."

"Compose yourself, Master," Maira snapped. She walked over and straightened his collar with aggressive precision. "Panic suggests guilt. We are not guilty. We are… innovative."

She pushed his hair back.

"Go to the entrance. Smile. Deny everything."

The Threshold

Reed stood at the cave entrance. Maira stood one step behind him, radiating an aura of terrifying competence.

Standing outside, blinking in the sunlight, was a young man.

He was thin, pale, and looked like he hadn't slept in a week. He wore the grey robes of the Dungeon Authority, but they were slightly too big for him. He clutched a leather satchel to his chest like a shield.

He looked at Reed. He looked at Maira. He gulped.

"G-greetings," he squeaked. "I am… Pip. Junior Auditor, Third Class. Dungeon Authority, Northern Branch."

He fumbled with his bag and pulled out a scroll.

"I am here for a… random spot check regarding… anomalous mana readings and… rumors of… pizza?"

Reed smiled. It was his best "I am a legitimate business owner" smile.

"Welcome, Auditor Pip! I'm Reed. This is Maira, my… Head of Operations."

Maira adjusted her glasses. The sunlight glinted off the lenses, turning them opaque.

"Your boots are dusty," Maira observed coldly.

Pip looked down at his feet in panic. "I—I walked from town! The road is dirt!"

"Inefficient," Maira noted, making a mark on her clipboard. "Strike one."

Pip paled. "Wait, you're grading me?"

"We hold ourselves to a high standard here," Reed interrupted smoothly, stepping aside. "Please. Come in. Inspect away. We have nothing to hide."

The Tour

Pip walked into the dungeon. He didn't draw a weapon. He drew a measuring tape.

"Corridor width… standard," he muttered, checking a box. "Lighting… bioluminescent moss… acceptable."

He reached the Spanking Paddle Trap.

He stared at it.

"Item 4-B," Pip read aloud. "Lethal Deterrents. This appears to be… leather."

"It is a kinetic impact device," Maira explained. "Designed to inflict blunt force trauma to the gluteal region. It discourages retreat."

Pip poked the paddle. It wiggled.

"It seems… surprisingly soft."

"We believe in humane discipline," Reed said.

Pip frowned, but checked a box. "Technically compliant. Though unconventional."

They moved to the Workshop.

Grika was standing at attention. She was wearing her apron (and nothing else visible underneath). She was sweating.

"Goblin Unit," Pip noted. "Engineering class?"

"Yes sir," Grika said through gritted teeth. "I build… infrastructure."

Pip looked at the pile of scrap. He looked at the half-finished shark-torpedo in the corner.

"Is that… a bomb?"

"It's a water heater," Grika lied instantly.

Pip squinted. "It has a face painted on it."

"It's a cheerful water heater," Reed added.

Pip sighed and scribbled something. "Safety railing missing on the upper ledge. Violation Code 7. Please rectify."

"I'll rectify your face," Grika whispered.

Maira kicked Grika's shin. Grika saluted. "Yes sir! Railings! On it!"

They moved to the Knight's Gallery.

Seraphine was waiting.

Reed had briefed her: "Look professional. Do not flirt. Do not squeeze."

She was coiled on her dais, wearing her full bronze armor over her thermal suit. She looked magnificent. Terrifying. Regal.

Pip stopped dead. He stared up at the twenty-foot snake woman.

"Guardian Class," Pip squeaked. "Lamia. High-Tier."

Seraphine looked down her nose at him.

"Little gray man," she boomed. "You trespass."

"I—I have a permit!" Pip waved his scroll.

Seraphine leaned down. Her face was inches from his. Her tongue flicked out, tasting the air near his ear.

"You smell of ink," she hissed. "And fear."

Pip trembled. "I—I need to measure your… threat radius."

"Measure me, then," Seraphine purred, uncoiling slightly to expose her full length. "But be careful where you put that tape."

Pip turned bright red. He quickly estimated the distance with his eyes and scribbled furiously.

"Guardian is… robust," he muttered. "Intimidation factor: High."

"Pass?" Reed asked.

"Pass," Pip agreed, backing away slowly. "Please don't let her eat me."

"She only eats sinners," Reed assured him.

The Violation

Everything was going well until they reached Floor 2.

Pip stood at the top of the slide. He looked at the water. He looked at the steam.

"Hydro-floor," he noted. "Ambitious for a Level 2 Core."

Then, Luma surfaced.

She was in her Siren form—solid, curvy, and wearing her sleek white bodysuit. She waved.

"Hi New Friend!" she sang. Her voice carried the faint, magical harmonic of the [Siren's Call].

Pip's eyes glazed over. He dropped his clipboard.

"She's… shiny," he whispered.

Maira stepped in front of him, snapping her fingers. Snap. Snap.

"Auditor!" Maira barked. "Focus!"

Pip shook his head. "W-what? Sorry. Mental interference detected."

He picked up his clipboard. He frowned.

"Wait," he said. "You have a Goblin. A Lamia. And a High Slime."

"Yes?" Reed said.

"Living together," Pip said. "In the same ecosystem."

"Yes?"

Pip tapped his scroll.

"Violation Code 99," he stated. "Incompatible Monster Cohabitation. Goblins require dry heat. Lamias require basking spots. Slimes require moisture. Mixing these species usually results in… territorial cannibalism."

He looked at Reed suspiciously.

"Why aren't they killing each other?"

Reed sweated. "Management?"

"It's unnatural," Pip insisted. "Monsters don't just 'get along.' Unless…"

He looked at the heated rock island where Seraphine was now waving at Luma. He looked at Grika, who was sharing a slice of pizza with Riva on the ceiling.

"Unless the Core is… drugging them?" Pip accused. "Are you using mind control?"

"No!" Reed said. "I'm using… team building!"

"Team building is a myth," Pip said, looking sad. "I work for the government. I know."

He raised his quill. It hovered over a red box marked FAIL.

"I have to flag this," Pip said. "Unstable Monster Hierarchy. It's a safety risk. The dungeon could implode from internal conflict at any moment."

Reed panicked. If he checked that box, Inquisitor Kaelen would come. And Kaelen would bring a sword, not a clipboard.

Reed looked at Pip. The guy was shaking. He had bags under his eyes. His knuckles were white.

"Pip," Reed said softly. "You look… tired."

Pip blinked. "I… what?"

"You're stressed," Reed observed. "Traveling. Inspecting. Dealing with monsters who want to eat you. It's a hard job."

Pip's shoulders slumped. "You have no idea. My boss is a tyrant. The quotas are impossible. I haven't slept in a bed in three days."

Reed smiled.

"Maira," Reed said. "Initiate Protocol: Hospitality."

Maira smiled. It was terrifying.

"With pleasure."

The Bribe (Stress Relief)

"Wait," Pip said as Maira took his satchel. "What are you doing? I can't accept bribes!"

"It's not a bribe," Reed said, guiding him toward the Sauna. "It's a… capability demonstration. You need to verify the facilities, right?"

"Well, yes, but—"

"This is the Decompression Chamber," Reed lied. "Step inside."

Pip stepped into the sauna.

The heat hit him. The smell of lavender and sulfur wrapped around him.

"Oh," Pip exhaled. "That's… warm."

"Sit," Reed ordered gently.

Pip sat on the heated stone bench.

"Luma," Reed called.

Luma flowed into the room. She wasn't wearing her armor. She was in her soft, semi-solid state.

"Is he the patient?" Luma asked.

"He is the Guest," Reed said. "Shoulders."

Luma glided behind Pip. She placed her slime hands on his shoulders.

"Eep!" Pip jumped. "She's wet!"

"She's hydrating," Reed corrected.

Luma began to massage. Her hands didn't just rub; they engulfed. The warm, vibrating gel sank into Pip's tense muscles, dissolving the knots instantly.

"Oh gods," Pip moaned, his head falling back. "That feels… illegal."

"Seraphine," Reed signaled.

The lamia slithered in. She was wearing her heated tail rings.

She circled Pip.

"You are small," she observed. "You lose heat quickly."

She wrapped the tip of her tail around his ankles. Then his waist.

"Wait!" Pip panicked weakly. "Constriction is a violation!"

"It is a weighted blanket," Seraphine corrected. "Hush."

She applied gentle, warm pressure. The sensation of being held—firmly, securely, warmly—hit Pip's touch-starved nervous system like a sledgehammer.

He stopped fighting. He melted.

"I… I should be… checking boxes," Pip mumbled, his eyes closing.

"Check this," Grika said, walking in with a steaming tray.

She held a slice of Dungeon Deluxe Pizza.

"Nutrition," Grika said, shoving it into his hand.

Pip took a bite. The cheese stretched. The boar sausage popped with flavor. The crust crunched.

Tears leaked from Pip's eyes.

"It's hot," he wept. "It's actual hot food. I've been eating hardtack for weeks."

He ate the pizza. He leaned back into Seraphine's coils. He let Luma massage his brain.

Reed stood by the door with Maira.

"Status?" Reed whispered.

Maira checked the mana readings.

"Target is pacified," she noted. "Dopamine levels are critical. He is no longer an Auditor. He is… a puddle."

The Verdict

Two hours later, Pip stumbled out of the dungeon.

He looked disheveled. His robes were wrinkled. He smelled of pizza and lavender.

But he was smiling. A goofy, relaxed smile.

He turned to Reed at the entrance.

"Mr. Reed," Pip said, adjusting his satchel. "I have completed my inspection."

He held up the scroll.

Every box was checked PASS.

Under "Monster Cohabitation," he had written: Synergistic Ecosystem. Highly Therapeutic.

"You run a… unique establishment," Pip said. "I have never felt so… thoroughly processed."

"We aim to please," Reed said.

Pip's smile faded slightly. He leaned in, lowering his voice.

"Listen," he whispered. "I'm marking you as Safe. Low Priority. That will keep the casual inspectors away."

He looked over his shoulder at the horizon.

"But Director Vane saw your mana spikes. He knows you're an Aberrant. I'm just a Junior. Eventually… he's going to send Her."

"Her?" Reed asked.

"Inquisitor Kaelen," Pip shuddered. "She doesn't take bribes. She doesn't like pizza. And she hates monsters."

He gripped Reed's arm.

"If she comes… hide everything. Hide the slime. Hide the joy. Because she will burn it all down."

Pip let go. He adjusted his robes.

"Thank you for the pizza," he said loudly. "Good day, citizens!"

He hurried away down the path, looking lighter than he had arrived.

The Aftermath

Reed stood at the entrance, watching the Junior Auditor disappear.

"Kaelen," Reed muttered.

Maira stepped up beside him.

"I have heard the name," Maira said softly. "They call her the 'Core Cracker.' She is efficient."

"So are we," Reed said.

He turned back to his dungeon. He heard Grika laughing in the workshop. He heard Luma singing in the pool. He heard Seraphine sharpening her spear.

"Let her come," Reed said. "We'll just have to make sure our hospitality is… stronger than her hate."

He walked back inside.

[QUEST COMPLETE: THE AUDIT]

Result: PASS.

Reward: Official "Safe" Certification (Temporary).

Threat Level: Escalating.

The first hurdle was cleared. But the real boss fight was still on the horizon

If you find any errors ( broken links, non-standard content, etc.. ), Please let us know < report chapter > so we can fix it as soon as possible.