The mood in the Core Chamber was somber.

Maira had set up a chalkboard. On it, she had written a single word in aggressive, block capitals: NORMALCY.

Reed stood before his assembled family. They looked confused. Grika was spinning a wrench. Luma was bouncing. Seraphine was heating her tail on a thermal vent. Riva was trying to eat the chalk.

"Okay," Reed began, clapping his hands. "We survived the Junior Auditor. But he gave us a warning. The Big Boss is coming. Inquisitor Kaelen."

Seraphine hissed. "Let her come. I will squeeze her until she pops."

"No," Reed said firmly. "Pip said she hates monsters. She hates 'anomalies.' If she sees a slime making pizza or a goblin in a bikini, she won't just fail us. She'll exterminate us."

The room went quiet.

"So," Reed continued. "We have to train. We need to learn how to be… generic."

"Generic?" Grika made a face. "That sounds boring."

"It is boring," Maira agreed, tapping the chalkboard with her pointer. "But it is camouflage. For the next twenty-four hours, we are initiating Operation: Normal Dungeon."

She flipped the board. It had a list of rules.

THE RULES OF NORMALCY:

No talking to adventurers. (Growling only).

No flirting. (Intimidation only).

No "special services." (Pizza/Massage forbidden).

Kill or be killed. (Simulated).

"We are going to run a drill," Reed announced. "I will play the role of the Inquisitor. You will try to kill me like normal, brainless monsters. If you break character… Maira has the spray bottle."

Maira held up a spray bottle labeled BAD MONSTER.

"I am loaded with ice water," Maira threatened. "Do not test me."

The Drill: Grika

The setting: The Workshop corridor.

Reed walked down the hall, holding a stick he was pretending was a sword.

"I am an Inquisitor," Reed announced in a monotone voice. "I hate joy. I am looking for violations."

Grika popped out from behind a pillar. She was wearing a ragged burlap sack Maira had forced her into, covering her usual straps-and-skin aesthetic.

"GRAAAH!" Grika shouted. She waved her wrench. "I am a goblin! I like… dirt! And stabbing!"

Reed stopped. "Okay. Good start. Menacing."

Grika lunged. She swung the wrench. Reed dodged.

So far, so good.

Then, Grika got close. She didn't strike. She stepped inside his guard, hooked her leg around his, and tripped him.

Reed hit the floor.

Grika was on top of him instantly. She pinned his wrists. She straddled his waist.

"Gotcha, Inquisitor!" she grinned, leaning down. "Now, admit that my traps are genius or I'll sit on your face until you pass out."

PSSST.

A jet of ice water hit Grika in the ear.

"GAH!" Grika yelped, rolling off Reed.

Maira lowered the spray bottle.

"Failure," Maira stated. "Goblins do not demand validation. They stab. Also, 'sit on your face' is a Sexual Harassment violation."

"It's a combat maneuver!" Grika argued, shaking water out of her ear. "It's psychological warfare!"

"It is horny," Maira corrected. "Next."

The Drill: Luma

The setting: Floor 2, The Slide Exit.

Reed slid down the ramp. He splashed into the water.

"I am an intruder," Reed gargled. "I am very serious."

Luma surfaced. She was not wearing her Hydro-Shell. She was just… slime. She formed a vague, blobby shape.

"Blorp," Luma said menacingly.

"Good," Reed encouraged. "Keep going. Scary noises."

"Gurgle," Luma tried. She raised a pseudopod. "I am… acid! I will… digest you!"

She surged forward. She engulfed Reed.

Usually, acid burns. Luma… tickled.

Reed felt warm, tingling gel wrap around him. It massaged his shoulders. It swirled around his chest.

"Luma," Reed muffled through the slime. "You're vibrating."

"I can't help it!" Luma's voice echoed inside her own body. "You're in me! It makes me happy!"

She hugged him harder.

"Die, intruder!" she giggled. "Die of… snuggles!"

PSSST.

Maira sprayed the surface of the slime.

Luma spat Reed out.

"Failure," Maira noted. "Slimes dissolve flesh. They do not cuddle. You made him smell like blueberries."

"I'm a blueberry slime!" Luma pouted.

"You are a menace to canon," Maira sighed.

The Drill: Seraphine

The setting: The Knight's Gallery.

This was the big one. Seraphine was the Guardian. If she couldn't pull off "Scary Boss," nobody could.

She was on her dais. No thermal suit. No heated rock (Reed had turned it off for realism). She was cold, stiff, and wearing basic iron armor.

Reed walked in.

"I am the Inquisitor," Reed yelled. "I judge you!"

Seraphine uncoiled. She looked majestic. She looked terrifying.

"You dare," she hissed.

She slithered down. She raised her spear.

"I will flay the skin from your bones," she threatened.

"Excellent!" Reed whispered. "Keep that energy!"

Seraphine struck. She used her tail to sweep Reed's legs. He fell.

She loomed over him. She raised the spear for the killing blow.

She froze.

She looked at Reed, lying on his back, vulnerable.

Her eyes dilated. Her tail twitched.

Slowly, the spear lowered.

"But first," she whispered, her voice dropping to a sultry purr. "I must… inspect the prisoner."

She dropped the spear. She wrapped her tail around his legs. She slid her hands up his chest.

"You are cold, little man," she murmured, leaning down. "Let me… squeeze the heat back into you."

She pulled him into a hug. A tight, possessive, full-body constrictor hug.

"Submit," she breathed against his neck. "Tell me I am your queen."

PSSST. PSSST. PSSST.

Maira dual-wielded spray bottles.

"NO!" Seraphine hissed, shielding Reed with her body. "I was… interrogating him!"

"You were courting him!" Maira snapped. "You are a Floor Guardian, not a body pillow!"

Seraphine tightened her grip on Reed. "Why can I not be both?!"

"Because Inquisitors do not like cuddles!" Reed wheezed from inside the coil.

The Debrief

They gathered back in the Core Chamber. Everyone was wet. Everyone was grumpy.

"We suck at this," Grika summarized. "We are physically incapable of being normal."

"It is in your nature," Maira sighed, putting down the spray bottle. "You have evolved past basic aggression. You require… interaction. Stimulation."

"So we're doomed?" Luma asked, leaking a little blue puddle of sadness.

"If Kaelen comes," Reed said, rubbing his chin. "We can't pretend to be dumb monsters. She'll see through it in a second."

He looked at his family. The chaotic, horny, affectionate mess of them.

"Maybe we don't pretend," Reed said slowly. "Maybe we just… control the chaos. Instead of 'Normal Dungeon,' we aim for 'Elite Dungeon.'"

"Elite?" Seraphine asked, perking up.

"Professional," Reed said. "Deadly. But with style. We don't hide who we are. We just… wear better uniforms."

Riva flew down the chimney shaft. She crashed onto the table, scattering Maira's notes.

"BOSS!" she screeched.

"Riva!" Reed jumped. "Did you fail the stealth drill too?"

"No drill!" Riva yelled. Her feathers were puffed up in genuine fear. "Real! Outside! Bad things!"

Reed's expression hardened. "Adventurers?"

"No!" Riva shook her head frantically. "Not Metal-Men. Bone-Men!"

She hopped up and down.

"Skeletons! Walking! But not ours! They smell like… rot. And old dirt."

Reed looked at Maira.

"We don't have skeletons," Reed said.

"No," Maira confirmed. "We have not unlocked the Necromancy tree."

"Where are they?" Reed asked.

"Hills," Riva pointed north. "Coming here. Lots of them. Shambling."

Reed stood up. The playful atmosphere vanished. The "Teasing Tomb" vibe evaporated, replaced by the cold, hard hum of a Dungeon Core sensing a threat.

[THREAT DETECTED]

Enemy: Undead (Feral).

Source: Rival Core Signature Detected. Distance: 1 Mile.

"Rival," Reed whispered.

He looked at his girls.

Grika racked the slide on her harpy gun. Seraphine picked up her spear, her eyes narrowing into cold slits. Luma solidified her armor. Maira adjusted her gloves.

"Okay," Reed said. "Forget Operation Normal."

He turned to the exit.

"Operation: Get Off My Lawn is in effect."

He looked at Grika.

"Warm up the traps. Lethal mode."

Grika grinned. It wasn't a nice grin.

"Finally."

[ACT 2 CONFLICT INITIATED]

Enemy: The Necropolis.

Objective: Defend the Waifus.

The drill was over. The war had begun.

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