The problem with skeletons, Reed decided immediately, was that they were rude.

They didn't knock. They didn't read the warning signs. And they definitely didn't appreciate the ambiance.

Reed stood at the entrance of the dungeon, flanked by his family. It was twilight. The sky was bruising purple and black.

Down the hill, emerging from the tree line, came the horde.

It wasn't a massive army, maybe thirty or forty of them, but they were ugly. Bleached white bones, rusted weapons, and a smell like old, wet dirt. Their eye sockets glowed with a sickly, pale green light.

"Disgusting," Maira pronounced, adjusting her gloves. "Look at them. No formation. No hygiene. They are literally falling apart."

"They don't vibrate," Riva complained from Reed's shoulder. "No heartbeat. No warm. Just… clatter."

"They're scrap," Grika grinned, racking the slide on her harpoon gun. "Walking spare parts. Can I shoot them now, Boss? Please?"

Reed looked at the mana readout.

[THREAT ANALYSIS]

Enemy: Feral Skeletons (Lvl 3).

Source: The Necropolis (Rival).

Intent: Extermination.

Loot: Calcium.

"Okay," Reed said. "Rules of engagement update. These guys don't pay. They don't feel pain. And they don't get turned on."

Seraphine hissed, uncoiling to her full height. She looked magnificent in her armor, but her face was twisted in disgust.

"Useless," she spat. "I cannot squeeze a skeleton. There is no flesh to yield. They just… snap. It is unsatisfying."

"Then don't squeeze them," Reed ordered. "Smash them."

He pointed at the lead skeleton, which was dragging a rusty axe.

"Grika. You have permission to go Lethal."

Grika's eyes lit up like Christmas lights.

"Music to my ears," she whispered.

She raised her harpoon gun.

"Say hello to the G.S.S. Deep-Throat's little brother!"

First Blood (Or lack thereof)

The battle started not with a clash of steel, but with a THUNK.

Grika fired. The harpoon—a heavy iron spike attached to a chain—flew through the air.

It hit the lead skeleton in the chest. It didn't just pierce him; it shattered him. Ribs exploded into powder. The spine snapped. The skeleton collapsed into a pile of confused bones.

"Strike!" Grika cheered. She yanked the chain, retrieving the spear. "Next!"

The horde surged forward. They moved with a jerky, unnatural speed. Clack-clack-clack.

"My turn," Seraphine announced.

She didn't wait for them to enter the corridor. She slithered out onto the grass.

Usually, Seraphine fought with a kind of sultry grace. She liked to toy with her prey.

Not today.

Today, she was a wrecking ball.

She swept her tail in a massive, low arc. It hit the front line of skeletons with the force of a speeding truck.

CRUNCH. CRACK. SNAP.

Five skeletons were instantly pulverized. Skulls flew into the trees. Femurs spun like batons.

"Pathetic!" Seraphine roared, rearing up. She stabbed down with her spear, crushing a skull. "Where is the resistance? Where is the squish?"

A skeleton managed to get close, swinging a rusty sword at her tail.

CLANG.

It bounced harmlessly off her Thermal Dreadnought plating.

Seraphine looked down at it. She didn't squeeze it. She just slammed her tail down on top of it, flattening it into dust.

"Dust to dust," she sneered.

But there were more of them. They swarmed around the sides, mindless and relentless.

"They're going for the entrance!" Reed yelled. "Luma! Block the door!"

Luma bounced forward. She was in her Hydro-Shell Suit, looking like a futuristic superhero.

"I'm a wall!" she shouted.

She expanded. She toggled off [Solid State] for her midsection, turning into a wide, gelatinous barrier across the cave mouth.

Three skeletons ran straight into her.

They didn't bounce off. They got stuck.

SHLORP.

They sank into her blue gel. They thrashed, trying to swing their swords, but the slime slowed them down.

"Eww!" Luma complained. "They're scratchy! And they taste like old milk!"

"Dissolve them!" Reed yelled.

"I can't!" Luma cried. "Bones are hard! I need… acid!"

"Maira!" Reed turned to his maid. "Do we have acid?"

Maira sighed. She reached into her apron and pulled out a bottle of industrial cleaner.

"Bleach," Maira stated. "High concentration."

She walked up to Luma. She poured the bleach into the slime.

Luma turned a slightly lighter shade of blue.

"Spicy!" Luma giggled.

Inside her body, the skeletons began to fizz. The rust on their armor dissolved. The bones grew brittle.

Luma flexed.

CRACK.

The skeletons crumbled inside her. She spat out the pieces like watermelon seeds.

Ptoo. Ptoo. Ptoo.

"Clean bones!" Luma cheered.

The Cleanup

The battle lasted five minutes.

It was less of a fight and more of a demolition derby. Without flesh to bruise or morale to break, the skeletons were just targets.

Grika was having the time of her life, using her wrench to play golf with skulls. Seraphine was sulking because she hadn't gotten to hug anyone. Maira was spraying disinfectant on the grass where the undead had walked.

Reed walked out onto the field.

It was a boneyard.

He knelt down and picked up a skull. The green light in its sockets had faded.

He closed his eyes and used his Core Sense.

He felt… a thread.

A thin, dark line of mana connecting this skull to something distant. Something cold.

He followed the thread in his mind. It led north, over the hills, to a valley shrouded in mist.

There, he felt It.

The Rival.

It felt like a cold, wet hole in the world. It didn't feel like Reed—curious, horny, chaotic. It felt hungry. It felt like a machine made of hate.

"…Avatar…"

A voice whispered in Reed's head. It wasn't a sound. It was a thought forced into his brain like an icepick.

"…Soft… Weak… Flesh…"

Reed dropped the skull. He gasped, stumbling back.

Seraphine was there instantly. She caught him, wrapping a protective coil around his waist.

"My Lord?" she hissed, her eyes scanning the horizon. "What attacked you?"

"The Other," Reed whispered, rubbing his temples. "He… spoke to me."

"What did he say?" Grika asked, reloading her gun.

"He called us weak," Reed said. He stood up, anger flaring in his chest. "He thinks because we're soft… because we have pizza and hot springs… that we're easy prey."

He looked at his family.

Grika, covered in bone dust, grinning. Luma, glowing with bleach-power. Seraphine, a literal mountain of armored muscle. Maira, who had just sanitized a patch of dirt.

"He's wrong," Reed said.

He turned to the skull on the ground. He crushed it under his boot.

CRUNCH.

"We aren't weak," Reed declared. "We're just… picky about who we kill."

He looked at Maira.

"Maira. Add a new item to the budget."

"Yes, Master?"

"Defenses," Reed said. "Lethal ones. If the Bone-Man wants a war… we're going to give him one."

The Aftermath

Later that night, the mood in the Core Chamber was different. Less party, more planning.

"The skeletons were scouts," Maira noted, pointing to the map. "Feral probes. He was testing our perimeter."

"He knows where we are now," Seraphine growled, sharpening her spear. "He will send more. Stronger ones. Ghouls. Zombies. Things with… meat."

"Meat I can squeeze," she added darkly.

"We need to upgrade," Reed said. "Floor 1 is a tutorial. Floor 2 is a water park. We need a Floor 3."

"What kind?" Grika asked. "More traps? Another pool?"

"No," Reed said. "We need industry. We need armor. We need weapons."

He looked at the empty space below Floor 2.

"Floor 3," Reed announced. "The Iron Works."

Grika gasped. "A factory? A real factory?"

"A forge," Reed corrected. "Magma-powered. Automated. We're going to build golems. We're going to build walls. And we're going to build you that Shark-Roomba."

Grika squealed and hugged him. Her rubber straps squeaked.

"Best. Boss. Ever."

Reed looked at the notification window hovering in the corner of his vision.

[QUEST STARTED: ARMS RACE] Objective: Construct Floor 3 (Industrial Zone).

New Unlock: [Golem Waifu].

Enemy Status: Mobilizing.

"Okay team," Reed said. "Rest up. Tomorrow, we stop being a resort… and start being a fortress."

Luma raised her hand.

"Can the fortress still have pizza?"

Reed smiled.

"Yes, Luma. The fortress will definitely have pizza."

[STATUS UPDATE]

Mana: 35 (Spent on repairs).

Threat: Moderate.

Vibe: Determined.

The Teasing Tomb was going to war. And it was going to look fabulous doing it.

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